21st July 2009

Well thats us had another trip.  The RCN sick nurses funded, gave me some money towards a trip to a Lodge in Aviemore.
Suzie, Tasha and I went up.  I knew N and R were coming for 2 nights, but S and D surprised us and turned up too - I just screamed and went out and hugged them.  We had an ace laugh - pj's, cards, pizza and alcohol - it was just fab.  They all left on the Sunday which left the 3 of us to enjoy the rest of the week.  WE had a great time, even tho the weather was not that brilliant.  It was good to spend time with Tasha.
Another happy memory :)

on 14th July I was admitted to hospital with chest pain - must admit I was scared.  Had VQ scan which was normal and had MUGA scan which was already planned.  The results of that were not good.  My LVEF was on 44%.  Apparently it would have been the first chemo (Doxyrubicin), that had caused the damage.  This news got me a bit down as good news does not seem to last very long.  Was only in hospital for 2 nights thankfully.

28th June 2009

Had L and R's wedding yesterday.. Had a fantastic day - thank you so much for inviting me.  And of course, I had managed L's request and not died before :)
Congratulations to you both, hope you have a long, happy and healthy life together.
xxxxxxxx

22nd June 2009

Saw Take That in concert in Glasgow. Went with Suzie, N and S.  They were fanbloodytastic - was on a high the whole gig.  Its the biggest concert Suzie has been to - so she really enjoyed it too.
Day after gig was 21st June - my baby turned 16!!!!!!!!!!!  We all woke up in Glasgow and sang happy birthday to her and of course she got to open all her pressies.

7th June 2009

I have been feeling a lot better physically and of course mentally.  I am feeling quite cheery.

Going out for tea for S's birthday then the next thing on the cards is TAKE THAT!!!!!!!  Really excited about that one - will be down in Glasgow for Suzies birthday - with take that the night before - yeeehhaaaa grandma

29th May 2009

Had clinic today.
ACTUALLY GOT GOOD NEWS :):):)
Couldnt believe it, but there has been some reduction in size of all tumours, nodes etc so we continue on with this one, with another scan after another 3 cycles. 
I have cried on and off the rest of day - but happy tears this time.
It was fantastic to be able to tell Suzie good news for a change.  Dad and N came with me to clinic.

22nd May 2009

Well Suzie, thats you and I been to London again.
We saw Blood Brothers (which you loved Suzie, even tho you refused to come in Aberdeen!!), Lion King - fantastic, and Mamma Mia.  They were all brilliant in their own way, but my fave has to be Lion King - I hope I can see it again before I die.
Trips like this really do exhaust me, but they are so worth it.

I have a CT Scan this coming Monday to see if this chemo is working. I managed to forget about it in London, but now I am home its all I am thinking about.  I am so scared this chemo is not working.  Will then have to wait till Friday for the results.

10th May 2009

I have not written anything for a while as I have been feeling very negative so didnt see the point in writing.  I try to shield things from Suzie when I feel like this but its not easy.
Each day, both mentally and phsyically is so different - sometimes I get a good couple of days, then feel crap again - its not easy this living with cancer business!!

I have now finished the letters and memory boxes for everyone that I want to.  They are all sealed up now.  I had to do this for my own sanity.  I still have another letter to do for Suzie, thats going to be the hardest, and why I have put it off.

I have booked for Suzie and I to go to London again - for 3 nights.  Seeing 3 shows, but not telling Suzie which ones, and we are staying in a spa hotel so we can chill through the day if we want to.

27th April 2009

Got back from our Willow Foundation trip to London yesterday.  The Willow Foundation are simply fantastic.  Everything was organised down to every last detail and went so smoothly.
It was great to spend time with Suzie , S and N and I think it brough Suzie closer to the girls.
We saw Wicked the evening we arrived - which was fantastic.  We went shopping Saturday morning then Suzie and I went to see Billy Elliot - it was great too - I have wanted to see that for years and was not disappointed.  The 4 of us then went to Boxwood Cafe, which is one of Gordon Ramsays restaurants.  The food was delicious, as was the 2 bottle of pink champange we had!!!!!!!!  Think Suzie was a wee bit boozie??!!.  It was my birthday on the Saturday, and at end of meal, N organised for sparklers to come with my pudding and they sang happy birthday - I just cried!!!!  Happy tears tho.
Thank you to the WILLOW FOUNDATION for a fantastic memory.  I intend to raise money in the future so someone else can benefit from this.

23rd April 2009

I had my 'retiral' tea party at work today.  There were quite a lot of people from throughout the hospital came.  Folks had brought loads of food.  I didnt/couldnt do a speech, and no-one else did one, as I would have just got far to emotional.
Suzie came with me, and we went in early and stuck up the piccies from Stobo Castle, so everyone could see how much fun we had.
I think because I have been off sick for so long, it didnt feel like a leaving party, as I felt I left ages ago, so it was not as emotional as I thought it was going to be.  I will still see folks from work so will keep up to date with the goss.

22nd April 2009

Suzie and I have had our 2 nights in Stobo Castle - it was everything we expected/wanted, and more.  Think Suzie enjoyed it more than she thought she would, especially the jacuzzi and pool.  It was so so good to spend this time with Suzie - no computers and minimal texting.  We just had such a relaxing time and a good laugh - her hiding in the huge big wardrobes and losing each other cos the suite was so big.  The huge bathtub was fab we had a bubblebath, while watching telly in the bathroom and drinking champagne - how fab is that?

We cannot thank all of you enough at RACH who donated towards this.  I will never forget your generosity and sure Suzie will cherish this memory.

17th April 2009

No - Lemar did not buy me a diamond ring :(

L and I went down to Glasgow to see Lemar.  We got there early, dumped our bags, then went shopping.  I made a passing comment to L and said I have always wanted a solitaire diamond ring - she was like ' right lets go shopping'.  Long and short of it, we walked into Mappin and Webb (very posh), and started looking.  My whole purpose for choosing the ring I chose, was for leaving it for Suzies 21st, so I chose it with her in mind.  The ring I chose was the 2nd cheapest in the shop!!  We were treated very well.  Had champagne while picking the ring, and once the sales assistant knew the reason I was buying it, and my story, L started crying, I cried, then the sales assistant joined in!!!  The ring is beautiful, and I would have left something like this for Suzie, but its more personal now that is something I will wear and love, then leave it to her.  She knows the reason I bought it , and she loves the ring too.

Now onto Lemar, - he was fanbloodytastic.  Not everyones taste, but he just has such a pure and brilliant voice.  We both loved it so much.

This time in 48 hours, we will be in Stobo, and this time in 7 days, we will be in London seeing Wicked.  I do find all this tiring and do struggle a bit, but its all worth it.  I am making so many memories to take with me.

11th April 2009

I am feeling so much better mentally and physically today.

Went into town before I went to see Blood Brothers again.  I was a very bad girl and treated myself to a Links of London sweetie necklace and charm - naughty but I love it :)

10th April 2009

Have felt pretty crap the last couple of days.  I HATE feeling unwell but I suppose this is nothing compared to what I am gonna be like as I deteriorate.  Yesterday I was very low both mentally and physically - have started thinking is the chemo really worth it if its making me feel this bad.  Maybe I am just expecting too much of my body???

I got dads car yesterday.  I phoned him up when I was round the corner and asked him to come outside as I wanted to show him something but couldnt be bothered taking it in!!  He was so surprised, shocked and chuffed - he just had tears running down his face.  He was not expecting it at all and was so grateful.  I was just so happy that I was able to do something like this for him - his  face was a picture and will live with me till my dying day.

8th April 2009

I met the Macmillan Nurse yesterday - she is lovely.
I really did get upset tho, talking about the wheres and hows of dying.  I just hate the thought of getting sicker and dying.  I get sad, I get angry - not just for me, but for Suzie, dad and my friends.  ITS JUST NOT FAIR.

Was into theatre tonight to see Blood Brothers - it was bloody amazing - really funny but VERY emotional at end - dont think there was a dry eye in the theatre.  Think Suzie would enjoy this.

6th April 2009

Mornings are really not good for me just now.  I just feel so shitty for the first few hours.  Of course I have to eat something to take chemo, so this is not easy.

G and D came up from Friday and home on Sunday.  It was lovely to see G again and meet D - he is a lovely man.  I got really emotional when I dropped them at airport, as it suddently hit me when we were saying goodbye that I may not see them again.  The reality of this just made me cry all the way home.

While G and D were here, I went and bought dad a car on Satursday.  Dont pick it up till Thursday, but dad knows nothing about it.  Cant wait to see his face.

Went to the funeral directors today, so gonna get everything sorted for them that I need to do, and that will be something else ticked off the list.

2nd April 2009

Took my first dose of xeloda with tea this evening.  I really really hope this one works, but I sure aint gonna hold my breath.

1st April 2009

Today is my official retirement date.  Knew it was coming, obviously, but cannot believe I will never practice as a nurse again.  I have had many good times, laughs and tears, over the years at sick kids and will miss nursing the kids.  I have also met and become friends with lots of colleagues, over the years, and will miss you all too.  Thank you all for all the good wishes i keep receiving through N and S.

I am now officially rich too!!!!!!!!!  Money in bank today.

31st March 2009

Well - got back from Cyprus on Monday evening.  The hotel and suite were beautiful. 
We had to fly down to London to fly to Cyprus.  I must admited I was getting a bit panicky on flight down to London cos I didnt know if I would have any problems flying after rads - but I was fine.  BUT, coming back from Cyprus, I ended up needing oxygen - no huge emergency, but chest felt tight and I just couldnt get enough breath in, also started getting wee bit of pain - felt better once I go oxygen tho.  I gave S and N a scare and they said they didnt think we should fly to London in a few weeks (Willow Foundation trip), especially as Suzie will be there, so will have to change to train.

Back to the holiday tho.  Had a great time.  Had 3 different treatments - a facial, pedicure, and coconut milk float - which was bliss.  I did feel pretty crappy in the mornings, and had a day in bed with a fever, but managed to have plenty laughs.  I am glad I/we went on hols sooner rather than later.
I really missed Suzie though, and it was great to see her again.  Feel very tired since I came back, but it does not take much to tire me out at the mo.
G and D arrive on Friday - it will be great to see G again and meet D for first time.

17th March 2009

Had my first of 4 blasts of rads today.

S really upset at teatime and asked 'how ill i am'.  Just had to reassure her that I have been and will be completely honest with her.  We still just have to hope that we get a treatment that actually works.  My heart is in so much pain for Suzie, and I just feel so guilty about dying and putting her through this - even though its completely outwith my control.

Phoned Stobo today to change dates and have upgraded to suite.  It looks so luxurious, I dont think we will be leaving the room much.  Suzie seemed really excited when I showed it to her.

Dad sounding really down on phone, I do worry about him.

16th March 2009

Got MRI of head done today, but have decided I dont want results until after my holiday..............which leads me onto the next bit.

I HAVE BOOKED LUXURY HOL  for me and the girls.  We are going to Le Meridien Spa Hotel in Limassol, Cyprus.  Hoping for presidential suite, best available, but will find out tomorrow.  Whatever happens, we will have a suite of some sort.  Think we all excited, yet sad about holiday, but there will be plenty time for sadness later.  Just wanted to do something special to thank the girls for their never ending support and friendship.
Will have to postpone Stobo now, but hopefully just till easter hols.  I have decided tho that I am going to book the 'suite' in Stobo castle too - luxury for Suzie and I cos we deserve it.

14th March 2009

Feeling very angry today - completely pissed off and angry.  Why oh why couldnt I get good news for once?  I know I said before deep down I knew it was going to be bad, but also deep down I was hoping for some sort of miracle, and good news for a change.  It just hurts like hell!!

I painted the kitched today,  music on loud and painted away.  I just couldnt sit still.  Probably did too much as I am shattered now. 
Now hitting the voddy!!!

13th March 2009

Went to see dad today to tell him about prognosis.  He was just gutted and just looked 'broken'.  He is also bitter and just keeps saying 'why me', when there are all those junkies etc out there.
Met L for walk down beach with dogs.  She was really upset and said the same as N had last week - that it just was not fair and she didnt want me to die.
I am so scared about dying - scared of how long it will be, how quick I will deteriorate?  How will I die?  I just dont want to linger on for months being totally dependent on people.

Felt I had to tell Suzie about prognosis when she came home today - what can I say, she must be so scared, I just dont know whats going on in her head.  I am so so glad she has her friends.

Looks like I will be going on hols with N and S week of 23rd March, straight after rads.  Suzie is happy for me to go away with the girls and understands why I need to.  Will have to postpone Stobo tho - but hopefully not for long.
I have Suzie next weekend so have booked for us to go to Edinburgh for a night and got tickets for Joseph.  Will do a bit of retail therapy too.

This whole thing is absolutely shit, it really is.  As N said-being positive just does not work anymore!!!  I just need to cram in loads of trips while I am fit to do so.  Found out how much ill health retirement I will be getting - WOW!!!!!!!!!  Going to manage to do as many trips as we want.

12th March 2009

Today was results day of CT scan to see if Taxotere has worked.  N came with me.

The news was shit really.  The chemo is not working - I have further spread to my mediastinal nodes and growth of other spread.  I have 1 node on my trachea , and 1 on right main bronchus - Consultant is worried that if these continue to grow they will compromise my airway, so he wants to do a short, sharp blast of radiotherapy.
I asked the million dollar question about prognosis.  He hummed and heyed for a while, but then said, given the aggressiveness of the cancer, if we cannot get a chemo to work, I would be lucky to have a year.  I was absolutely stunned, shocked and all the other words like that.  Just sat and thought WHY ME? WHY SUZIE AND DAD?
After radiotherapy he will start another type of chemo - I had to chose which one - oral, or IV.  I chose oral, main reason being no hair loss with this one.  Its called capecitabine or xeloda.  Its still a 3 week cycle, where I will take tablets twice a day for 2 weeks, and have a week off, then start the cycle again.  Its a chemo that I could stay on long term if it works.  I will be scanned after 3 cycles (9 weeks), to see if its working.

Went into panic mode a bit and decided I wanted to take N and S on a special holiday, but we thought we had better do it sooner rather than later, as who knows how quick my condition could deteriorate if this chemo does not work.

Suzie had gone into town after school and was not home till 7.  She was not surprised it was bad news and had kind of geared herself up for it.  She said she does not hope for good news anymore as she is sick fed up of geting knockbacks all the time - I cant blame her for thinking like that!!!  Although she has asked about life expectency before, she never asked tonight.  I think she has probably thought about it but is maybe just not ready to hear the answer.  She is with her dad this weekend, but I am going to have to tell her after that as other people know.
I knew deep down the news was not going to be good, but it hurt like hell to hear.  I always hope , deep down for good news, I just never get it!!!!!!!!!  S really upset when I phoned her.  I hate hurting people all the time, really hate it.
Have said to girls we need to get together to sort out dates to go on hols and get something booked.
I am absolutely exhausted, but how am I supposed to sleep with all this going on in my head??

11th March 2009

Have been feeling pretty good till today.  Had headache most of last night and woke up with it today.  Dont feel to 'hot' either.  Feel achey and sicky.  Dont know if headaches are to do with stopping the steroids on Saturday.  Was supposed to be going for boozy lunch with L today but had to cancel - so must be feeling bad eh?
Having to take regular sevredol again which I am not happy about.  WHAT IS GOING ON?
I know I am a bit stressed about scan results but it seems more than that.

6th March 2009

Did more thinking about funeral.  I got a usb pen of all the Venture pics and was originally going to show these at my funeral service, but have decided its not really appropriate to have pics of Suzie on her own, as its not her funeral, so will just put up ones of me, or me and Suzie.  Also hoping to get good pics of all our forthcoming trips and fun times and show some of these too.
Finished first draught of service so have e mailed it to J.  He will be the only person who knows the content of service till the day it is used.

4th March 2009

Will start with saying dad got home from hospital - and everything went smoothly so that was good.

Bit up and down today tho, but I suppose with what I have done thats not surprising.

I finished painting the memory chest so everything is now locked up so dont have to worry about Suzie finding things I dont want her to see till after I die.  The very low point of today was I wrote my first letter to Suzie.  To say its one of the hardest things I have EVER had to do would be the understatement of the century.  There are no words to describe the pain and hurt when writing it.  But I suppose the up bit of this is some people , if they die suddenly, have not had the luxury of being able to write letters to loved ones.

I still so wish I wastnt having to do these things tho..................

2nd March 2009

Had CT scan of chest and abdomen today to see if Taxotere is working.  Will get results later this week.

Have had a relaxing day.  I am a bit bored and lost without Millie but definately less stressed.
I stopped taking regular Sevredol on Saturday and havent needed any breakthrough meds so thats good.

Dad goes into hospital tomorrow to have pacer fitted so bit worried about that.  Why is there always something to worry about???

28th February 2009

Yesterday was one hell of an emotional day.  I took Millie out to F's work yesterday for him to take her home with him.  I felt I had to do it sooner rather than later and F was more than happy with this.  D was there, but I couldnt speak to him.  I basically just handed over all Millies stuff to F and didnt/couldnt say goodbye to her.  The office was full of guys I dont know and I had tears running down my face.  F was brilliant, said I could see her anytime.  I cried all the way home - really cried.  I know she has gone to a good home and she will have a great life with them.

On the plus side, I picked up the Venture pics.. I am so so happy with the album, as is Suzie, but again I keep crying when I look at them, as it just breaks my heart as to WHY the pics were taken.

Went to the theatre last night with Suzie and N to see Fame - it was good but I wouldnt rush back to see it.

26th February 2009

Have had quite a bad week this week.  Had been feeling pretty emotional and stressed anyway, but on Monday, Millie fell down a rabbit hole and broke her leg.  I had to carry her back to the house from the forrest out the back.  Had to keep stopping as was so breathless and weak. 
That was the straw that broke the camels back and I have decided I cannot cope with having her.  Its been a HUGE decision to let her go, and one Suzie is not happy about.  There are so many benefits to having Millie, BUT the negatives and stress outweigh those.  I feel like I do not have  a second to myself, as she demands so much attention, and needs up early etc, and these days I need so much sleep with being on MST etc.  F and J always said they would take Millie when the time came so S phoned and has arranged this.

Handed in all my paperwork for ill health retirement so hopefully that will go through smoothly and my date should be the 1st April.  Have decided to have a little HDU tea party.

On the plus side, we had x factor at AECC on Tuesday night, and had lunch with S and N yesterday which was really good.

It was L's 18th birthday yesterday.  Cannot believe she is 18.  It makes me wander/hope/be afraid at the thought of will I be around for Suzies as thats over 2 years away.

21st February 2009

Got my chemo as planned yesterday.  J came with me this time so thank you.  It was a long day, but great to have your company.

Today Suzie and I have spent the whole day and evening together.  We have talked loads , which was well overdue.  We needed to sort out a rota of when she would stay here and when she would be at her dads now that I will not be going back to work.  Obviously I would love to have her all the time, while I am well enough to do so, but appreciate she still needs to see her dad, and of course her friends.  She needs to be a normal teenager, despite whats going on, and she is managing that very well.  I am so so proud of her, and always will be.

19th February 2009

What a week its been.  When I woke up on Saturday I felt very weak, severe headache and vomited.  Phoned chemo helpline who advised G Docs.  Couldnt face speaking on phone so text N to ask her to come over.  I was pretty frightened.  This was the first time I have felt ill ill as an emergency.  N had also phoned S so she came in the road too.  GP came at 2 and gave me more anti sickness, tramadol and trimethoprin for UTI which I didnt have any symptoms of apart from low grade fever.
The girls were both on night shift but didnt want to leave me alone so they got a hold of C.  She came up straight away and took charge - in a nice way.  She came back at 5 and said she would come back at 9pm, but I had to phone her before as was sick again and felt really bad.  She phoned G Docs again who came out and got me admitted to hospital as needed IV Infusion and stronger analgesia.
Ended up in hospital for 3 nights and I couldnt complain about the care.  Even though CT scan was clear, consultant agree to do MRI of head to make sure.
Even though I have been in hospital as emergency, consultant was still keen for me to come back and get chemmo tomorrow, due to the aggressiveness of the cancer, and my blood counts are ok.
I waited till I got home till I phoned and told Suzie about it, which she was ok about, but think she got a real scare and was asking lots of pertinent questions.  I couldnt give her answers to lots of her questions, as I just didnt know.
Obviously my trip to Norwich was cancelled which I was well upset about.  G and D were both upset too and have booked to come up in April to see me - bless them.

I phoned neighbour (F) on Sat when I was first ill as SOS to take Millie out.  She was fantastic and came round this evening with some soup.  I am very quickly learning that if people have offered help, they genuinely mean it (well I know the people who do), and I am getting better at asking for help when I need it.
T took me home from hospital.  Everyone is being fantastically supportive and generous - it is very heartwarming.  Thanks to all of you - you know who  you are.

13th February 2009

Saw Consultant yesterday who agreed to do CT scan of my head.  I am still extremely tired and headaches have continued and i have developed altered sensation on right arm and leg.  I went to CT department with chit for scan, and happened to be in right place at right time as they had a spare slot there and then.  Got phonecall in evening to say scan was clear - I was very happily shocked.
Still look and feel like shite, but hey ho - guess its the cancer, the chemo and stress.
Going to have a quiet weekend as I am going to G's in Norwich on Monday.
D is coming to decorate my bedroom whil I am away, so that'll be good to come home to.

9th February 2009

Have not done much last few days.  Had lunch with C today.
I am very tired and worrying about headaches wich are now happening on a daily basis.  My eye has also been twitching most of today - not good.  Have spoken V so she is going to see if she can arrange scan.
I feel and look like shite - pale, shadows under eyes and very tired.
Told N and S about headaches - brain mets is just my worst nightmare, they really are.  This is such a rollercoaster ride, just dont know whats going on inside my own body - its horrible.

6th February 2009

I had a meeting with HR at work today and I have decided to apply for ill health retirement.  When I said this at meeting I cried, which really surprised me, I didnt think I would get emotional.  I know its a huge decision, and nursing has been part of my life since I was 17 1/2 years old, so I am sitting here quiet shocked and stunned thinking that I will never practice as a nurse again.  I suppose it has brought home my terminal diagnosis.

Was meant to be going to theatre to see Calendar Girls, but the traffic and roads were absolutel chaos due to very heavy snow fall.

1st February 2009

Last night and today have been pretty emotional.  Its a year today since mum died.

I went to a rugby night out in Banff last night.  It was ok, and I did manage to have a bit of a laugh, but I was tired and thinking about mum loads so I was not on top form.

Went to see dad after I got back today and we went down to grave with some flowers.  Cannot believe its been a year and so much has happened - none of it good - well apart from trips etc with Suzie

30th January 2009

Managed to write the bulk of my funeral today.  Very very emotional when writing it, especially the end.  What upsets me most is leaving Suzie, its just not fair that she is gonna have to deal with this.
Chaplain phoned today.  I spoke to him about doing a slide show at end of funeral, mostly of Venture pics, as I want everyone to remember me happy and vibrant, rather than however I end up so hes going to find out if its possible and do a trial run.  I said I would meet him there, but have now decided that would just be too surreal.  I need to learn to let others do things and not do things that will unduly upset me, when theres not need.  Its all about me being in control, but just need to hand over that control at times and trust other people.
At least thats another job ticked off the box

29th January 2009

Took Millie for a walk in Kirkhill Forrest this afternoon.  I have never been here before, but know it goes roudn in a big loop.  Well, I got well and truly lost.  The signposting was awful.  So what turned into a wee stroll ended up a big long nightmare.  I was starting to get panicky as I was feeling crap and started seeing stars at one point, and it was starting to get dark. Obviously I didnt plan on getting lost, but I was a bit stilly really - as N said afterwards, what if I had collapsed, theres not exactly a lot of people walk there.

Started to write funeral service today - didnt get very far - its gonna take a while!!

27th January 2009

Have been feeling pretty yeuch since chemo but I suppose am just gonna have to get used to it to try and kick cancers arse for a while.

Met with V yesterday and we were chatting about stuff I wanted to do with my time left.  I asked her outright how long she thought I might have left, give aggressiveness of cancer so far etc.  Although I know no-one can tell for sure, she thought I would be lucky to have a couple of years, given past experience of women like me.  I was pretty gobsmacked although I probably knew deep down, but WOW - reality check!!

Suzie asking lots of questions - I answered what I could and promised her I would never hide anything from her, and always be truthful.

On an upside, Stobo Castle is booked for the 28th and 29th March - yipeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee

20th January 2009

Was in for my 2nd taxotere today - more about that later.
Before I went for chemo, I popped into HDU.  S presented me with £750 of vouchers for Stobo Castle.  That will pay for Suzie and I to stay for 2 nights, dinner, bed and breakfast, and have 2 treatments each.  She also presented me with a cheque for another £675 quid which I was to use how I wanted for another treat for Suzie and I.  I was absolutely astounded at the amount of money that was raised, absolutely speechless.  To all my friends and colleagues I have worked with over the many happy years I had in RACH, from the bottom of my heart, THANK YOU ALL SO VERY VERY MUCH.  I didnt realise I was thought of so highly.

Went for 2nd Taxotere and it all went very smoothly and quickly.  Since I havent had ANY hair loss, I used the torture chamber again, but its worth it to keep my hair - so very very worth it.  Another tip for anyone who may be reading this and thinking about using cold cap, take a hot water bottle with you to cuddle - it really helped me.   My head might have been frozen, but at least my body was warm.  S came with me for chemo today, cant even remember what we chatted about, but thanks for keeping me company, it fair helps to pass the time
xxx

Also had mindfulness reunion session today.  Think they were all gobsmacked at how 'happy' I looked.

18th January 2009

I found out about the Willow Foundation through someone at work.  Basically this foundation arranges special trips for terminally ill adults aged from 16 to 40 (so I just qualify!!).  I applied to them about found out that they are granting my wish.  I originally asked for Suzie and I only, but because Suzie is not 18, I needed someone over 18 to accompany me, so I asked for both N and S to come.
Anyway, they are sending us to London as requested - the first night we are seeing Wicked at the theatre, and the 2nd night, which happens to be my 41st birthday, we are going to a Gordon Ramsay restaurant called the Boxwood Cafe.  We are really looking forward to it already.

L came round on Friday night, and we stayed up drinking and talking til 2am.  We climbed Bennachie on Saturday - not something L does, but when we were out for lunch last week she agreed.  Thank you for being a great friend L.

13th January 2009

J came round today to discuss my funeral.  He is happy to do a completely non religious celebration on my life.  I am happy he is doing it as I have known  him at work for the past 20 years or so.  It was pretty emotional stuff talking about it, but I just have to face up to this as I dont want Suzie or dad having to think about what to do and what I would want.  I am going to write my own service, so it will be J talking my words.

P from work also phoned tonight.  Unbeknown to me, she has been in contact with Uni about me getting an honorary degree.  I have done so much of my degree, but had to stop because of Suzies illness then my own, and have got good grades at each stage, that they are willing to do this.  I again, cannot believe the thoughfulness of people, I really am humbled.  Thank you for doing that P.

9th January 2009

Good days yesterday and today.  I had an appointment with M today. I feel quite upbeat and calm, despite being dx terminally ill, so much so , that I have chosen not to arrange to see M again, although I know her door is open if I need it.  I really do believe the mindfulness must have worked, because I feel very 'at peace' with things, and living day to day, but making lots of plans for the future too.
If anyone is reading this and needs to get their mind sorted I really cannot recommend doing a mindfulness course enough,  or even studying it or reading about it, but  a course would be better tho.

Yesterday, I went to the dogs home to have a look at dogs and came away with a cross black lab/collie.  She is about 2 y ears ok.  We decided to call her Millie, and she has settled in really quite well.  She will give me a reason to get out of the house, even when I dont feel so great.

7th January 2009

Have felt a bit crap last couple of days.  Still no hair loss tho - so fingers crossed.
Even though I didnt feel brilliant, I went to arranged lunch with some friends - ended up getting home at 11pm!!  Was out with N, S, Le, and Rh.  Thank you all for being so supportive and keeping me going with fun and laughter - you are stars
xx

3rd January 2009

Having been feeling quite listless last couple of days, not much energy at all.

Suzie still with her dad so spent this afternoon working on memory boxes and cards for folks.  They are definately works in progress.  Its sad to be doing them, but looking through old photos etc has brough back a lot of good memories so have been smiling too.
Have made another 'to do' list.

My friends L and R got engaged today so I am very happy for them.
And J and I's twin grandaughters were born yesterday, they are early and small, but stable - so fingers crossed for them

1st January 2009

What can I say - its the 1st day of this year.  Cant help but think what this year is going to hold?  Also cant  help wandering will I still be here this time next year?

Suzie and I went up to Banff for hogmany.  When the bells sounded in the New Year, I did not get emotional like I thought I would, just kinda felt numb.  Manged to enjoy ourselves tho and good that we had something like that to go to.  Thank you again the B family for making us so welcome and inviting us.
xx
Dropped Suzie at her dads on way home from Banff.  After I went to bed, I had a MAJOR wobble.  Couldnt stop thinking about what this year is going to bring.  I am so so scared.  Started thinking about my funeral and just sobbed and sobbed, feel so alone right now.  I feel so feckin angry that I am having to do all this.  ITS NOT FAIR, I HATE CANCER AND I HATE FEELING SHITTY FROM CHEMO.
I am now thinking that I cant believe I was so hooked on my body post mastectomy.  I would give ANYTHING - live my life with NO boobs - just to live my life and see Suzie growing up into a beautiful woman.
I DO NOT WANT TO DIE
I DO NOT WANT TO LEAVE SUZIE, DAD AND MY FRIENDS
I HATE HATE HATE THIS.

30th December 2008

I have felt not too bad since the chemo.  Was a bit nauseas last night and this morning but side effects not bad at all.
Its dads birthday today, but he is full of the cold so couldnt go over and see him as dont want to chance catching it.
Just taking things easy

28th December 2008

Well had 1st Taxotere today.
Was sat waiting for N at revolving doors, feeling very down and anxious, when both N and S walked round corner.  I was sooooooooooooo happy they were both there.  I got all teary when I saw them, then S gave me a card which made me cry more.
We went to the ward, got shown to chair straight away, the after a lot of 'nothing' happening, I had to remind them to switch cold cap on, so we then had to wait for it to get to right temperature..  Once they put on the cold cap, I was in tears - after just 5 minutes.  I felt like ripping it off, but managed to keep it on.  The chances of keeping my hair with this chemo, using the cold cap, are really quite high, so that kept me going.  The thought of losing my hair again, and looking like a cancer 'victim' does nothing for me so stubborn old me kept going.
Thank you N and S for coming with me and keeping me company and making an unbearable day a lot more bearable.
I just hope the cancer responds to this chemo - keeping everything crossed.

27th December 2008

Got up early this morning and took down christmas tree and decorations.  I know its early but wanted to done in case I feel crap after my chemo.
Then had a walk up Bennachie with N.  I managed not too bad, but what it did for me psychologically was indescribable!!

Suzie and I went to view Venture pics today.  We were shown into room with a huge TV and comfy sofa.  He said we just had to look at all the pics first.  So we were sat there, then the slide show of pics began, with Take Thats - Greatest Day playing in the background.  Half way through , I looked at Suzie, she was in tears, so that started me off - we laughed and cried through the rest of it, god knows what the guy must have thought.  Think it probably hit Suzie why these pics were done.  I always knew you were beautiful Suzie, but some of those pics, you are simply stunning xx
We managed to narrow down the pics enough for an album which I have ordered - nae cheap, but worth every single penny, and a brilliant memory for Suzie to keep.
TODAY HAS BEEN A GOOD DAY

26th December 2008

Well its boxing day and I actually managed to have a great xmas.

Started by having brunch with Suzie and dad and pressie opening.  Suzie then went to her dads and I went up to stay in Banff with N's family.  It felt great to have a big family xmas with them, as its years since I have been able to do that, back to the time I was married!!

Thank you N's family for making me feel so welcome, I had a great time.  You are all very special to me.
xx

23rd December 2008

Suzie and I had venture pics done today.  It was D's idea.  He thought it would be a good memory for Suzie, and to get them done while I still looked well.
It was a brilliant idea, we had fun.  We took changes of clothes, juggling balls,  our pyjamas, Suzies guitar.  So looking foward to seeing the pics.

I got the mini from I a couple of days ago - its great to drive around in - feel affa posh!!

Finding it hard to get excited about xmas as keep thinking is this my last?  Surely then, I should be happy and make the most of it!! Difficult time of year after such news just weeks ago.

Went and signed will so thats another job ticked off my list of things to do.

Received memory books and journals today.  After xmas, I will start a memory box for Suzie and fill in journal etc.

20th December 2008

I have still been busy sorting things out.
Have taken bigger mortgage to pay off debts, so thats a releif.
Have also been to solicitors to sort out will.
I cannot believe how calmly I am sorting all this out - has it really hit me yet?  I dont think it has.

On 17th, was sitting in house on my own in evening, when there was a knock on door.  It was Ian, on his own.  He gave me a huge bunch of flowers and we sat and chatted.  The reason he had came over was to offer me a swap of car - he knew how much I loved his courtesy car mini's, so he would use my car as courtesy car, and I could run around in the mini for 18 months till the lease ran out.  He said there was nothing he could do for me, but is this made me happy then I was more than welcome.  I am so so touched and just in awe of peoples kindness.

I saw M on 18th.  There were lots of tears.  I feel very angry, especially about leaving Suzie.  Angry that I am unlikely to be around for the likes of her graduation, engagement, wedding etc if these things happen.  It should be me thats there for her.  Near the end of the appointment, I said to M that I JUST WANTED TO SPEND THE REST OF MY LIFE LIVINGM AND NOT THE REST OF MY LIFE DYING.  I guess I am the only one can make this happen.

Last night I went to the hospital panto with N.  It was a HUGE decision to go or not, as I would be facing a lot of people I had not seen since terminal diagnosis and thought I would get too emotional.  I did go, but was clinging onto N.  I feel like I didnt leave her side and kept saying - dont leave me on my own.  Everyone was lovely and said how sorry they were to hear my news - again very humbled.  We went out afternward with a few of the docs etc - had a good laugh at karaoke!!

I am so lucky to be surrounded by people who genuinely care.

15th December 2008

I have been keeping busy and have had my 'practical' head on.  Dont know if I am in denial.  Lots of folks shocked by the news, as I am still!!
I have made lots of 'to do' lists.
Have been to Doc's.  She is shocked at news.  She has filled in DS1500 form which is a form stating I am terminally ill so I can get high rate DLA immediately.  Have also seen financial advisor to discuss options.

I have to make lots of plans for LIVING, I have several ideas already of things for Suzie and I to do.
I am so thankful for having N and S to help me through this, althoug I know how much they are hurting too.  I can only imagine what it would be like for me if one of them was in situation.

Suzie has started asking questions.  Have told her I will be completely honest with her and to ask any questions, any time, and not to be afraid of upsetting me.

N was meant to be coming over for x factor final but she phone to say she couldnt face it and just wanted to be on her own.  Obviously I wanted to see her, but have to respect how she feels, as long as she is honest with me.  Think her and S getting asked lots of questions from folk at work, so theres no getting away for it.
S went out with intention of getting very pissed, which she managed well.  The only thing is, she said she woke up next day and in her words - I am still ill, nothing has changed and she now feels like shit with a hangover.

My cousin M was round, very very emotional.
On Saturday night, I was on my own and couldnt stop crying.  I am scared scared scared of dying, but mostly scared about leaving Suzie.  This bloody disease is so unfair, I am only 40, I shouldnt be, and dont want to face this.

It was the last mindfulness session today, it was very emotional.  I cannot believe that 8 weeks ago, I started this course 'healthy', and I am now terminally ill.  Have arranged to meet with M on a 1 to 1 basis again.

N forwarded an e mail from work today.  My boss has started a 'hospital' collection, to send Suzie and I somewhere special, as a memory for us.  I am gobsmacked - they must be fed up having collections for me the past year!

11th December 2008

Went over to see dad today.  I wanted Suzie to know my diagnsosis before dad, so thats why I have left it.  Told dad I was coming over, think he was suspicious.
Again, one of the hardest things I have ever had to do.  Dad and I have always been close, but are a lot closer since my original dx and mum.  It broke my heart to have to tell him, and broke his heart too.  We just cried and hugged lots.  Wanted him to come home with me that night but he just needed to be on his own.  Dad just said he wished it was him and not me.
I HATE THIS DISEASE AND HATE WHAT ITS DOING TO MY FAMILY AND FRIENDS.  WHYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY???????????????????????

I met with oncologist yesterday.  We discussed treatment options.  More chemo to come, but we have decided to leave starting till after christmas.  Dont feel much like celebrating christmas, but who knows - it could be my last one, so want to make the most of it with Suzie and dad.

9th December 2008

Waited for Suzie to come home from school.
She could tell as soon as she walked in there was something wrong.
What could I say??????????  I just told her exactly what happened and what I knew.  Obviously she was very upset.  How can I comfort her?  There is nothing good to say about this.  I feel like I am ruining her life, although obviously its not my fault.  I want to protect her from this but have to be honest.  She should not be having to deal with this shit - she has been through so much in her life already.  I am just so lucky she is such a well balanced teenager with lots of good friends.  I lover her so so much
My one comfort - if I can call it a comfort - is - I know I have thrown everything at this to try to prevent this coming back.  I had chemo, I had mastectomy (when could have had quadranectomy), and had radiotherapy.  Its just this triple negative cancer is so aggressive.  I did all I could possibly do, but it was not enough.
God I feel so so alone

8th December 2008

I had a bone scan on 4th, and CT Scan on 5th.
I was at  the second last mindfulness today, when near the end I got a phonecall.  I had warned M, that I might need to leave the room and take a phonecall as was waiting for results.
I couldnt concentrate on the mindfulness, mind was all over the place, waiting, wanting the phone to ring so I know whats happening.
The phone rang near the end of the session so I rushed out.  The results were not good - caller asked if I really wanted to know over phone - YES YES YES, I have to know one way or another.  I had a chest wall recurrence and spread to my right lung.  I just stood there shaking, crying, unbelieving.  WHY WHY WHY is this happening to me - its not fair, its not right!!!!!!!!!  M came out, gave me a big hug and just let me cry.  Managed to tell her what the results were.  She asked if I wanted to go back into room and tell others, I said yes.  They all knew when I walked in by look on my face.  Lots of tears, lots of hugs. 
I AM NOW TERMINALLY ILL, THEY WILL NEVER CURE ME. 

Went out to car and phoned N then S.  I cannot face telling Suzie or dad yet.  Have to try to get my head round this first.  N told me to go home, get my stuff and go stay at hers that night, I was not to be on my own.  S very upset on phone.  She cant come to N's as she is on night shift tonight.
Went over to N's, we just hugged and sobbed.  Shortly after, S came in, she had gone to work but just couldnt cope, more tears, sobs, hugs.  We just sat and drank, and talked and had a pj party.  Lots to discuss, lots to decide.
When they went to N's bed at night, I stayed in lounge, I just sobbed my heart out , like I have never done before in my life.  What was to happen next? How can I tell Suzie and dad that I am going to die, that I will never be cured of this.  I am so very very scared, more scared than I have ever been.  I cant see how I can live my life now knowing this........................

1st December 2008

I went back to work full time on 30th November, however, normality was not to last for long.  I found a lump on my chest wall, same side as cancer had been.  Tried not to panic but phoned V immediately, and she got me into clinic today.  She agrees that lump feels very suspicious and will arrange for more tests.
Please please please please let this not be cancer back.  I dont know how I can cope again, I really dont.  I have had enough.  Every time I think I am getting back to normal, something else happens.
Have not told S or dad about this until I am sure.
Very very very scared.

14th November 2008

I saw the Plastic Surgeon for the 2nd time today.  He had originally planned to do an LD reconstruction, but after the lymph node surgery, it was discovered that the vessels on my chest wall are too 'fried' after the previous surgery and radiotherapy so an LD recon, or any other kind that involved the vessels was no longer viable.
My only option, which he normally would not do on someone who has had radiotherapy, is tissue expander then implant, but he thinks my skin looks ok for that.  I agree to this as I am desperate just to have a pair again.  He gives me a date for 22nd April 2009 so I will have a new boob for my 41st birthday :).

29th October 2008

When I was in hospital getting the lymph node clearance, L came into visit,  she and R and bought me a spa day for the Marcliffe hotel.  It was so very very kind of them.
So today , L and I went for our spa day.  It was fabulous being pampered and spoiled - it was a whole day thing, with a champagne lunch included.  Thank you both for this pressie, and thanks for keeping me company L - I know how hard a day it was for you- NOT!!.
I lurv lurv lurv spa days :)  Going to spoil myself to more cos I think I deserve it.

27th October 2008

Through my psychologist , M, I started a mindfulness course today.  This is a course that will run once a week for the next 8 weeks, 7 sessions being for 2 1/2 hours each and a whole day session.  I think its gonna be really good for me.
Mindfulness basically means paying attention in a particular way: on purpose, in the present moment, and nonjudgementally.  So bascially its about living in the present, for the moment - the past is the past, we can do nothing about it, and the future is the future, so whats the point of worrying about the what ifs?
There are 8 of us in the group, men and women, with different kinds of cancer. 
Looking forward to the rest of the course.

15th October 2008

Saw OHS today, I am to start ANOTHER rehab programme next week.  Hopefully this will be the last time!!

3rd October 2008

G came to visit from Norwich.  It was lovely to see her again.  She is doing really well after her cancer, thankfully.  We plan to climb up Bennachie once I have had my reconstruction and flash our new boobs!!  G spent 2 nights here- we laughed and cried.  We cried again when we recalled how hard it was to tell our kids and loved ones about having cancer and just the disbelief of it all.