Not a good start to the day - my appointment was at 1130 and I finally got seen at 1300! I was a patient patient tho.
As I have said previously, I want a complete chemo break, due to the way I feel. BUT I have also been having symptoms which make me suspect I have progression of disease. The oncologist agreed to do CT Scan, she did bloods and I have to go back in a month to discuss - hopefully will have had scan by then.
She said my exhaustion could be caused by the cardiac drug they are trying to titrate up, apparently its quite a nasty one so i have to reduce the dose of that.
Feel shattered as usual today, having to sit that long at clinic was a nightmare.
I am off out for tea tonight before going to theatre with Suzie and J to see Blood Brothers - again.
When I went to bed last night, I did a compassion practice and then just broke down - lots of big sobs and tears, but strangely felt a bit calmer after.
More later
Thanks for reading
xx
This is my story, as a 42 year old, young woman, living with terminal breast cancer.
Friday, 29 October 2010
Thursday, 28 October 2010
Tough Day
Well I saw my psych M today. It was a really tough session, with many many tears shed. I just feel overwhelming sadness just now, and I don't like feeling like this, BUT I have to allow myself these feelings, be with them as they are, and accept them, otherwise I am going to stay in this black hole. I have to stop the dislike of feeling like this, stop fighting it, and just let it be. I have to be more compassionate towards myself (I do give myself a hard time), a bit like the compassion I used to show to parents when they were upset/bereaved etc. So that's my exercises for the next week or so till I see her again.
Have oncology tomorrow to discuss my options - kind of looking forward to making decisions, but still hoping they will CT Scan me soon.
I am still so very very tired, but this could also be down to fighting my emotions all the time (partly), this can be draining in itself.
I could be doing with a great big cuddle from someone right now, but Alas my arms are empty. Don't want to pile how I am feeling on Suzie or dad, but don't know what else to do.
Have oncology tomorrow to discuss my options - kind of looking forward to making decisions, but still hoping they will CT Scan me soon.
I am still so very very tired, but this could also be down to fighting my emotions all the time (partly), this can be draining in itself.
I could be doing with a great big cuddle from someone right now, but Alas my arms are empty. Don't want to pile how I am feeling on Suzie or dad, but don't know what else to do.
Sunday, 24 October 2010
Good days then bad
Well yesterday I felt fairly bright. Managed to clean dads flat and enjoyed my massage.
Today I just have no energy at all - probably did too much yesterday. I have done absolutely nothing today. Did try yoga for about 5 mins, but I just dont get it!!
I am back in a 'no talking' mood. M and old neighbour phoned but I just ignored it. I just dont want or feel I need to pretend to people that I feel fine and chatty when I just cant be bothered, and I am not going to give myself a hard time for feeling like this. I must do whats right for me.
I must admit my weight is getting me down too - I have put on so much - dont know if its the drugs or just my fatigue and that fact I am doing nothing. I just dont feel comfortable in my own skin at the mo. I know people would say thats the least of my worries, but its the way I feel.
Hopefully I will see my consultant when I go to clinic on Friday as so much to discuss.
Suzie at her dads this weekend, and I am missing her cheeriness. Hurry home Suzie............
Today I just have no energy at all - probably did too much yesterday. I have done absolutely nothing today. Did try yoga for about 5 mins, but I just dont get it!!
I am back in a 'no talking' mood. M and old neighbour phoned but I just ignored it. I just dont want or feel I need to pretend to people that I feel fine and chatty when I just cant be bothered, and I am not going to give myself a hard time for feeling like this. I must do whats right for me.
I must admit my weight is getting me down too - I have put on so much - dont know if its the drugs or just my fatigue and that fact I am doing nothing. I just dont feel comfortable in my own skin at the mo. I know people would say thats the least of my worries, but its the way I feel.
Hopefully I will see my consultant when I go to clinic on Friday as so much to discuss.
Suzie at her dads this weekend, and I am missing her cheeriness. Hurry home Suzie............
Friday, 22 October 2010
Reflexology and alternative/adjuvant therapies
I am still finding myself in my dark tunnel, and still cannot see a way out. I am so desperate to get out of this I will try anything.
I had reflexology at CLAN today. I started going back there 2 weeks ago, so this was my second session. I do find it relaxing. I asked my therapist after session if she felt anything with me during my treatment. She said she had felt 'crunchiness' where my back and shoulder points were. She then said she felt nothing with my head, so I obviously don't get headaches. I told her I have been getting a lot of headaches, and some of them migraines. She then asked if I had had any migraines since the last session, and on reflection I don't think I have. I am going to have regular reflexology in the meantime - about every fortnight so I hope this will help.
Whilst at CLAN, the therapist told me about a book she had been reading called 'You Can Heal Your Life' - using different methods, so I went up the the CLAN library and got it. As I think I have already said, I also bought yoga DVDs, which I have yet to summon up the energy/enthusiasm to do, but I am so keep to try to help myself with alternative, as well as conventional therapies, that I am open minded about trying anything. Incidentally, I also found a book entitled 'Chemo Brain', which is actually quite interesting, and put paid to a certain paediatric oncologist, that chemo and cancer do in fact affect the brain, so chemo brain does exist - if only she had every had either, she may have understood more!!!!!
I have to go over to clean dads flat tomorrow (thorough clean), as he has just had a new kitchen and bathroom installed so the place is a mess. I am not looking forward to it, as its gonna require energy, which I will have to pull from somewhere. I think I will banish him to the common room, put on my ipod and just try my best. I have booked myself in for a full body massage with N for a treat to myself after.
I suppose what I am trying to say is, I feel I am doing everything in my power to help myself out of this darkness, but just none of it is working at the mo. I suppose I am being impatient, and expecting too much from myself, so I must be conscious of this, be more compassionate towards myself, listen to my body, and just try to 'live' with the way I am feeling just now, whilst at the same time, do things that will help me reach my ultimate goal - accepting my situation and living a happy life again.
So here goes.....................................
I had reflexology at CLAN today. I started going back there 2 weeks ago, so this was my second session. I do find it relaxing. I asked my therapist after session if she felt anything with me during my treatment. She said she had felt 'crunchiness' where my back and shoulder points were. She then said she felt nothing with my head, so I obviously don't get headaches. I told her I have been getting a lot of headaches, and some of them migraines. She then asked if I had had any migraines since the last session, and on reflection I don't think I have. I am going to have regular reflexology in the meantime - about every fortnight so I hope this will help.
Whilst at CLAN, the therapist told me about a book she had been reading called 'You Can Heal Your Life' - using different methods, so I went up the the CLAN library and got it. As I think I have already said, I also bought yoga DVDs, which I have yet to summon up the energy/enthusiasm to do, but I am so keep to try to help myself with alternative, as well as conventional therapies, that I am open minded about trying anything. Incidentally, I also found a book entitled 'Chemo Brain', which is actually quite interesting, and put paid to a certain paediatric oncologist, that chemo and cancer do in fact affect the brain, so chemo brain does exist - if only she had every had either, she may have understood more!!!!!
I have to go over to clean dads flat tomorrow (thorough clean), as he has just had a new kitchen and bathroom installed so the place is a mess. I am not looking forward to it, as its gonna require energy, which I will have to pull from somewhere. I think I will banish him to the common room, put on my ipod and just try my best. I have booked myself in for a full body massage with N for a treat to myself after.
I suppose what I am trying to say is, I feel I am doing everything in my power to help myself out of this darkness, but just none of it is working at the mo. I suppose I am being impatient, and expecting too much from myself, so I must be conscious of this, be more compassionate towards myself, listen to my body, and just try to 'live' with the way I am feeling just now, whilst at the same time, do things that will help me reach my ultimate goal - accepting my situation and living a happy life again.
So here goes.....................................
Thursday, 21 October 2010
'Pink'October
This is the month of October - Breast Cancer Awareness Month - which is great - the more money raised the better.
BUT, all the slogans like Asda's 'Tickled Pink' Campaign and all the other pinkness that surrounds this, annoys me, and its not just me. Most of the women I talk to on the forums agree. Cancer should not be all pink and fluffy, cos its not. Are we 'Tickled Pink', to have cancer, to have one boob etc, etc, - the answer is NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO. Last year they had Katie Price of all people endorsing new underwear that a percentage was going to Asda's campaign - was any of the underwear suitable for those of us who have had mastectomies - NO is the answer again.
I really do appreciate, that these campaigns raise lots of money for research, which is vital, BUT they really should think about what they call their campaigns. Last year, many of us wrote directly to Asda, but nothing has changed, they didn't listen.
We still have another 10 days left of this campaign, and I am tired of seeing it all on the telly, in the shops, on the radio - everywhere I go I quietly swear under my breath.
I know I feel very sensitive just now, but I do feel like this the rest of the time too. Its funny tho, until I got breast cancer, I never thought of the names etc and the marketing.
BUT, all the slogans like Asda's 'Tickled Pink' Campaign and all the other pinkness that surrounds this, annoys me, and its not just me. Most of the women I talk to on the forums agree. Cancer should not be all pink and fluffy, cos its not. Are we 'Tickled Pink', to have cancer, to have one boob etc, etc, - the answer is NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO. Last year they had Katie Price of all people endorsing new underwear that a percentage was going to Asda's campaign - was any of the underwear suitable for those of us who have had mastectomies - NO is the answer again.
I really do appreciate, that these campaigns raise lots of money for research, which is vital, BUT they really should think about what they call their campaigns. Last year, many of us wrote directly to Asda, but nothing has changed, they didn't listen.
We still have another 10 days left of this campaign, and I am tired of seeing it all on the telly, in the shops, on the radio - everywhere I go I quietly swear under my breath.
I know I feel very sensitive just now, but I do feel like this the rest of the time too. Its funny tho, until I got breast cancer, I never thought of the names etc and the marketing.
Wednesday, 20 October 2010
Just down
Today is a very low day. I feel so so sleepy and just tearful. Just had my GP, cried when speaking to her. I have M this afternoon, I know there will be tears then.
GP thinks its a mix of things making me like this, cancer being the obvious one, but I started on a new heart tablet about 6 weeks ago - that can make me tired (so not going to up dose of that), started back on chemo (altho not on it just now), around the same time as heart tablet. The side effects of the chemo have been bad. Relationship breakdown. She has suggested I increase my antidepressant, just in the short term to see if this helps - I am not keen but will try. Last time I was on full dose, I was having the most horrible vivid dreams that I would remember all the next day, they were really disturbing. If I start having bad dreams again, she will try another family of happy pills.
I was out yesterday for lunch and cocktails with L, and altho I enjoyed myself, I didn't feel 'me' at all.
I am doing all the right things - seeing M, speaking to GP, going to CLAN for treatments, telling others how I feel, but its just not changing, and this is getting me more down. I want happy, fun loving Fiona back, I don't know where she has gone.
Maybe I am being to impatient with myself.
I also miss my 2 best friends.........................
Going to go off and try some mindfulness
GP thinks its a mix of things making me like this, cancer being the obvious one, but I started on a new heart tablet about 6 weeks ago - that can make me tired (so not going to up dose of that), started back on chemo (altho not on it just now), around the same time as heart tablet. The side effects of the chemo have been bad. Relationship breakdown. She has suggested I increase my antidepressant, just in the short term to see if this helps - I am not keen but will try. Last time I was on full dose, I was having the most horrible vivid dreams that I would remember all the next day, they were really disturbing. If I start having bad dreams again, she will try another family of happy pills.
I was out yesterday for lunch and cocktails with L, and altho I enjoyed myself, I didn't feel 'me' at all.
I am doing all the right things - seeing M, speaking to GP, going to CLAN for treatments, telling others how I feel, but its just not changing, and this is getting me more down. I want happy, fun loving Fiona back, I don't know where she has gone.
Maybe I am being to impatient with myself.
I also miss my 2 best friends.........................
Going to go off and try some mindfulness
Friday, 15 October 2010
Thoughts about Suzie
When I was first diagnosed as being terminally ill, I didn't want Suzie to get a part time job, as I would see less of her. But she is over 17 now, and at college, and I have encouraged her to get a job. As much as I want to spend every second I can with her, I also want her to get on with her life, and she is doing a bleedin good job of it. She has lots of friends, has started a college course which she loves, has a lovely boyfriend, and of course her first job.
I am so very proud of her, for being as level headed, happy, and independent as she is. College and her first job are things that I could only dream of still being here for, but I am, and for that I am grateful. You are doing a brilliant job Suzie, of living your life, so keep on going honey, cos that's whats its for.
Loadsa Luv Always
Mum
Thursday, 14 October 2010
Chemo Update
As you know, I was supposed to have my next cycle of chemo a week ago, but due to side effects, they decided to withhold for an extra week.
I was supposed to restart today. When chemo nurse phoned this morning, although bowels have slowly improved, lethargy is much the same. She knew I didn't sound keen on having chemo, and I have some questions for consultant so when she hung up , she spoke to one of the docs. She phoned me back to say the doc didn't want to give me any more chemo until I am seen at clinic (which is 2 weeks time), due to side effects and my feelings.
I am not sure how I feel about this. I must admit I think I felt relief when she said they were not going to give it today.
My questions for consultant are - is a 2 week on , 2 week off regime possible and has this been done before. And, I am seriously thinking about coming off chemo altogether just now, and wait for regrowth, as I do feel so ghastly. Everyone says how well I look, BUT I DON'T FEEL IT. Should I wait until after my next scan in December?? I feel this chemo is coming to the end of its lifespan anyway, as I don't think there are many others around it has worked this long for.
I guess I am just going to have to discuss all with chemo. I have tried to get them to make sure I see consultant in 2 weeks time rather than a registrar.
Mmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm
On hindsight, I suppose this is the first time I have actually had to make a decision. All the previous chemo and treatments have been needed to gain control, but now we have control, do I continue or dont I? Will my quality of life be much better off of it? Will I regret coming off it when things start to grow again? Some of these questions are a kind of try it and see situation. I know my body is screaming to come off it - that I do know - that happened even before my hols when I asked for a break. Decisions , decisions
I was supposed to restart today. When chemo nurse phoned this morning, although bowels have slowly improved, lethargy is much the same. She knew I didn't sound keen on having chemo, and I have some questions for consultant so when she hung up , she spoke to one of the docs. She phoned me back to say the doc didn't want to give me any more chemo until I am seen at clinic (which is 2 weeks time), due to side effects and my feelings.
I am not sure how I feel about this. I must admit I think I felt relief when she said they were not going to give it today.
My questions for consultant are - is a 2 week on , 2 week off regime possible and has this been done before. And, I am seriously thinking about coming off chemo altogether just now, and wait for regrowth, as I do feel so ghastly. Everyone says how well I look, BUT I DON'T FEEL IT. Should I wait until after my next scan in December?? I feel this chemo is coming to the end of its lifespan anyway, as I don't think there are many others around it has worked this long for.
I guess I am just going to have to discuss all with chemo. I have tried to get them to make sure I see consultant in 2 weeks time rather than a registrar.
Mmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm
On hindsight, I suppose this is the first time I have actually had to make a decision. All the previous chemo and treatments have been needed to gain control, but now we have control, do I continue or dont I? Will my quality of life be much better off of it? Will I regret coming off it when things start to grow again? Some of these questions are a kind of try it and see situation. I know my body is screaming to come off it - that I do know - that happened even before my hols when I asked for a break. Decisions , decisions
Tuesday, 12 October 2010
My wee retreat and thoughts
Well here I am writing , feeling very chilled out after my wee retreat.
After watching the film Eat, Pray, Love, which so rang a lot of bells with me, I thought about going on a proper retreat, to try and find myself, after the way I have been feeling of late, but decided it was a bit too far just now and prob getting a bit too cold, so its something I may do next year.
Anyway, as a substitute , I booked myself 2 nights away at a spa hotel in Dundee, not too far from home, but far enough.
The hotel was beautiful. I arrived on Sunday afternoon, and after checking in, I took myself down to the spa area - lounged in jacuzzi, sauna, then sat on lounger round the pool reading my book. I then had a hot stone back, neck and shoulder massage with a bit of Reiki thrown in. I then went to my room, changed into pj's and relaxed watching x factor and a dvd whilst getting room service for my tea.
On Monday, I ordered room service breakfast, woke to get this, watched a bit of morning telly, felt tired so had a wee nap. I then went down to spa area, and used jacuzzi, sauna, and again lounged round pool reading good book. I then went to bar area and had a light lunch and read my book whilst looking out over the water. Later on , I had the most wonderful treatment ever - she combined my facial with my sole delight foot treatment, so I basically laid on the bed for 1 1/2 hours and got pampered, dosed off at one point. I then me an old friend S for tea, drinks and a catchup.
I have come home today feeing very chilled indeed, whereas before I was very wound up.
What now tho - I did a lot of thinking, I have this extra week off chemo to see if my physical symptoms get better. Cant say I have noticed a huge difference - my bowels are not quite so bad altho still not brilliant, and my fatigue is marginally better. I think I need to have discussion with oncologist as to whether to come off chemo altogether, until regrowth, or whether a 2 on 2 off chemo regime might be possible. I have chemo nurse on Thursday to get next batch. Maybe I shouldn't make any decisions till after my next scan in December................I really don't know what to do for the best - trying to measure quality over quantity at the moment.............but still I come up with no answers. Its not an easy road or decision, but one I know I have to make and live with.
I am glad I went away, and glad I have had this time away from home to relax and think. I definitely feel a lot calmer than when I left. Even tho I don't feel physically much better, my head is a bit more with it.
After watching the film Eat, Pray, Love, which so rang a lot of bells with me, I thought about going on a proper retreat, to try and find myself, after the way I have been feeling of late, but decided it was a bit too far just now and prob getting a bit too cold, so its something I may do next year.
Anyway, as a substitute , I booked myself 2 nights away at a spa hotel in Dundee, not too far from home, but far enough.
The hotel was beautiful. I arrived on Sunday afternoon, and after checking in, I took myself down to the spa area - lounged in jacuzzi, sauna, then sat on lounger round the pool reading my book. I then had a hot stone back, neck and shoulder massage with a bit of Reiki thrown in. I then went to my room, changed into pj's and relaxed watching x factor and a dvd whilst getting room service for my tea.
On Monday, I ordered room service breakfast, woke to get this, watched a bit of morning telly, felt tired so had a wee nap. I then went down to spa area, and used jacuzzi, sauna, and again lounged round pool reading good book. I then went to bar area and had a light lunch and read my book whilst looking out over the water. Later on , I had the most wonderful treatment ever - she combined my facial with my sole delight foot treatment, so I basically laid on the bed for 1 1/2 hours and got pampered, dosed off at one point. I then me an old friend S for tea, drinks and a catchup.
I have come home today feeing very chilled indeed, whereas before I was very wound up.
What now tho - I did a lot of thinking, I have this extra week off chemo to see if my physical symptoms get better. Cant say I have noticed a huge difference - my bowels are not quite so bad altho still not brilliant, and my fatigue is marginally better. I think I need to have discussion with oncologist as to whether to come off chemo altogether, until regrowth, or whether a 2 on 2 off chemo regime might be possible. I have chemo nurse on Thursday to get next batch. Maybe I shouldn't make any decisions till after my next scan in December................I really don't know what to do for the best - trying to measure quality over quantity at the moment.............but still I come up with no answers. Its not an easy road or decision, but one I know I have to make and live with.
I am glad I went away, and glad I have had this time away from home to relax and think. I definitely feel a lot calmer than when I left. Even tho I don't feel physically much better, my head is a bit more with it.
Friday, 8 October 2010
Another Bad Day
I fee like a right old moaning minnie. I feel pretty shit today and I have ZERO energy. Took me all my strenght to drive Suzie to docs to get her flu jab. Came home from that and slept, then drove myself to CLAN (local cancer centre) to have a reflexology session. If had not been something like this I would have cancelled, but think it will do me good and have made more appointments for this. I am now back at home, its 330pm, and I am changed into my pj's.
Was suppose to be going out tonight for my pals birthday party, but have not got energy, and bowels bad again today. Just feel so weak and pathetic.
Feel another sleep coming on..........................
And can I just say - please please leave any comments, good or bad, I would love to read your thoughts/experiences etc
xxxxxxxxxxx
Was suppose to be going out tonight for my pals birthday party, but have not got energy, and bowels bad again today. Just feel so weak and pathetic.
Feel another sleep coming on..........................
And can I just say - please please leave any comments, good or bad, I would love to read your thoughts/experiences etc
xxxxxxxxxxx
Thursday, 7 October 2010
Bad Day
Today has been a bad day - physically.
It seems to be morning and early afternoon I am at my worst and as day goes on from about mid afternoon I start to feel better. I was meant to start next cycle of chemo today, but when chemo nurse phoned to check everything was fine and if I was coming in for it, I said "if you force me". Then on questioning she suggested I have an extra week off. Basically my week off, which is meant to be my better week, has been spent on toilet - not pleasant, so she recommended an extra week off and see if I feel better and get a bit more energy.
Was in at garage and felt shit, then went and met S and L for a coffee in town. I really didnt have the energy to go, but I went and glad I went, cos I aint seen S in ages. At least we were sat down for most of it and not traipsing about town. Then went and met C and J for tea - didnt feel so 'yuck' but very tired.
I do remember feeling like this when I first started on chemo, and know I had a 2 cycle break, and chemo nurse said I might notice side effects worse to start with, but I an 25% less a dose than when I first started, and just feel shitty. I know my depression will not be helping, but I cant help but feel my body is rebelling and shouting NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO more.
I just dont know what to think.........................
On the plus side, we were out for tea for J's birthday, went to TGI's - managed to embarass her by getting a cake and they came and sang to her :):) Happy birthday J
It seems to be morning and early afternoon I am at my worst and as day goes on from about mid afternoon I start to feel better. I was meant to start next cycle of chemo today, but when chemo nurse phoned to check everything was fine and if I was coming in for it, I said "if you force me". Then on questioning she suggested I have an extra week off. Basically my week off, which is meant to be my better week, has been spent on toilet - not pleasant, so she recommended an extra week off and see if I feel better and get a bit more energy.
Was in at garage and felt shit, then went and met S and L for a coffee in town. I really didnt have the energy to go, but I went and glad I went, cos I aint seen S in ages. At least we were sat down for most of it and not traipsing about town. Then went and met C and J for tea - didnt feel so 'yuck' but very tired.
I do remember feeling like this when I first started on chemo, and know I had a 2 cycle break, and chemo nurse said I might notice side effects worse to start with, but I an 25% less a dose than when I first started, and just feel shitty. I know my depression will not be helping, but I cant help but feel my body is rebelling and shouting NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO more.
I just dont know what to think.........................
On the plus side, we were out for tea for J's birthday, went to TGI's - managed to embarass her by getting a cake and they came and sang to her :):) Happy birthday J
Wednesday, 6 October 2010
OK Day
Today has been an ok day.
Woke quite early and went into town to get some birthday pressies (October is a busy month for birthdays). Still having bad bowel troubles - just need to time things right.
I have now finished adding pics to my blog.
I have had literally LOADS of positive comments and compliments about the blog. A couple of people saying it has made them realise life is precious and we need to live our lives - if this helps people reconnect with that thought, and change their lives a little, then its worth it.
Woke quite early and went into town to get some birthday pressies (October is a busy month for birthdays). Still having bad bowel troubles - just need to time things right.
I have now finished adding pics to my blog.
I have had literally LOADS of positive comments and compliments about the blog. A couple of people saying it has made them realise life is precious and we need to live our lives - if this helps people reconnect with that thought, and change their lives a little, then its worth it.
Tuesday, 5 October 2010
5th October 2010
This is the first post where I am not posting from my diaries, but on the actual day of writing this.
I suppose this means I will publish this now - bit nervous about that, about people being able to read my thoughts and feelings, but I want to do it, even if it helps one person, it will be worth it.
It also might make friends and family realise how I feel, without me having to speak about it all the time.
I sometimes, even tho it lives with me every single day, pinch myself as to what has happened to me since that black Friday the 13th July 2007, when this rollercoaster ride started.
Looking back, I have not been as 'down' as I am just now, but maybe I have handled it 'too well' all along, or maybe I was in denial, or maybe I just didnt let myself 'feel', who knows?
I remember having a conversation with G the first time she visited Abz, about how heartbreaking it was to tell our families, especially our children - that horrible memory will be with me forever, especially having to tell them about mets dx. BUT, getting that diagnosis, made me pull myself together and get on with things. My funeral is almost completely organised and written. My memory stuff is all done - although I keep adding to Suzies. I am grateful, really I am, even with the way I feel just now, to still be well and alive, and adjusted to MY normal life.
I am grateful I worked for the NHS for so long - my ill health retirement has given me the chance to LIVE my life and has enabled me to have lots of trips with Suzie, to make all those happy memories - some people never have the chance to do that.
I am grateful for my friends. You know who you are, and I feel honoured that you have all stuck by me through think and thin. Some are old friends, but some I was not that close to before diagnosis, they were more acquantances, but have become a a lot closer to them since then, they have become new friends, I truly am grateful.
I intend to update this regularly.
It is just my cancer story, so might make boring reading, but I believe it will help me to write this down, as I had stopped doing that on paper so much.
If you read this, I hope you enjoy, although there is a lot of reading since it started over 3 years ago.
In writing this, I realise that when I first started this chemo, I felt bad physically, so I hope this present feeling will soon pass, and that by seeing M again, I will find myself, and get my head sorted, so I can be my old upbeat self again.
I have a few things in the planning to look forward to, and think I need to make sure I always have something to aim towards and look forward to, as this does help.
Thanks for reading
xxxxx
I suppose this means I will publish this now - bit nervous about that, about people being able to read my thoughts and feelings, but I want to do it, even if it helps one person, it will be worth it.
It also might make friends and family realise how I feel, without me having to speak about it all the time.
I sometimes, even tho it lives with me every single day, pinch myself as to what has happened to me since that black Friday the 13th July 2007, when this rollercoaster ride started.
Looking back, I have not been as 'down' as I am just now, but maybe I have handled it 'too well' all along, or maybe I was in denial, or maybe I just didnt let myself 'feel', who knows?
I remember having a conversation with G the first time she visited Abz, about how heartbreaking it was to tell our families, especially our children - that horrible memory will be with me forever, especially having to tell them about mets dx. BUT, getting that diagnosis, made me pull myself together and get on with things. My funeral is almost completely organised and written. My memory stuff is all done - although I keep adding to Suzies. I am grateful, really I am, even with the way I feel just now, to still be well and alive, and adjusted to MY normal life.
I am grateful I worked for the NHS for so long - my ill health retirement has given me the chance to LIVE my life and has enabled me to have lots of trips with Suzie, to make all those happy memories - some people never have the chance to do that.
I am grateful for my friends. You know who you are, and I feel honoured that you have all stuck by me through think and thin. Some are old friends, but some I was not that close to before diagnosis, they were more acquantances, but have become a a lot closer to them since then, they have become new friends, I truly am grateful.
I intend to update this regularly.
It is just my cancer story, so might make boring reading, but I believe it will help me to write this down, as I had stopped doing that on paper so much.
If you read this, I hope you enjoy, although there is a lot of reading since it started over 3 years ago.
In writing this, I realise that when I first started this chemo, I felt bad physically, so I hope this present feeling will soon pass, and that by seeing M again, I will find myself, and get my head sorted, so I can be my old upbeat self again.
I have a few things in the planning to look forward to, and think I need to make sure I always have something to aim towards and look forward to, as this does help.
Thanks for reading
xxxxx
3rd October 2010
We all just had such a hoot, it did me the world of good - fanbloodytastic. :)
1st October 2010
I went to see M today for a 1 to 1. Whilst I am not going into what we talked about, she has made me realise that its OK to feel the way I have been feeling, and just to let it happen. I have to stop being angry with myself for feeling angry, its normal, but has just come as a shock cos I have never really felt this angry and bad before. I know deep down its normal to feel like this, but I just dont want to waste any of my remaining life feeling like this, but to get over this, I have to allow myself to feel.
I spoke to M about having a retreat, and she agreed it sounded like it would be good for me.
When I came home, I started looking into them, but they are quite far away, so I have decided, and booked to go to a spa hotel myself, for 2 nights, week after next. I am going to spend my time having treatments, doing mindfulness practices, relaxing in the spa, reading, just doing whatever I feel like. I am postive this will be good for me to do. Suzie with her dad then so not like I am missing out on any time with her.
I have also booked to go down to see G and D in November, so thats something else to look forward to.
I know I need to take 1 day at a time, and I am hopeful that I will come out of this hole - just dont know when.
Because I pushed C away when I started feeling like this, our relationship has ended. There were other small reasons too, but our relationship is finished. I am truly sad about this, and am sorry that its partly my fault, but we will, I am sure, remain close friends.
Trying to think more positively about the future, I have everything to live for - everything and more, Suzie being the main reason. She really is the only thing keeping me going. She gets madder by the day, and she just makes me smile so much, I am happy when she is around, I wish she could be around more, but of course she has to get on with her life, and I would not expect anything less. I feel so much closer to her this passed while.
I spoke to M about having a retreat, and she agreed it sounded like it would be good for me.
When I came home, I started looking into them, but they are quite far away, so I have decided, and booked to go to a spa hotel myself, for 2 nights, week after next. I am going to spend my time having treatments, doing mindfulness practices, relaxing in the spa, reading, just doing whatever I feel like. I am postive this will be good for me to do. Suzie with her dad then so not like I am missing out on any time with her.
I have also booked to go down to see G and D in November, so thats something else to look forward to.
I know I need to take 1 day at a time, and I am hopeful that I will come out of this hole - just dont know when.
Because I pushed C away when I started feeling like this, our relationship has ended. There were other small reasons too, but our relationship is finished. I am truly sad about this, and am sorry that its partly my fault, but we will, I am sure, remain close friends.
Trying to think more positively about the future, I have everything to live for - everything and more, Suzie being the main reason. She really is the only thing keeping me going. She gets madder by the day, and she just makes me smile so much, I am happy when she is around, I wish she could be around more, but of course she has to get on with her life, and I would not expect anything less. I feel so much closer to her this passed while.
24th September 2010
Went into the cinema today to see Eat, Pray, Love with L.
It was a very thought provoking film, and a lot of bits in the film clicked with me and touched me. I really want to find myself again, I just dont know how....................................
Really thinking of going to a retreat on my own...............
It was a very thought provoking film, and a lot of bits in the film clicked with me and touched me. I really want to find myself again, I just dont know how....................................
Really thinking of going to a retreat on my own...............
20th September 2010
I am continuing to find this hard both mentally and physically.
I had mindfulness today, and spoke to M about seeing her again 1 to 1 - she agreed and we have made an appointment, I know I need to see her, to try to get my head straight again.
For the first time, I feel so angry about having cancer, about dying, about not having a normal life, while my friends and family continue with theirs. I feel selfish for having these thoughts and I HATE feeling like this. Although I have had down times immediately after diagnosis, and bad news, I have been so upbeat throughout this, maybe too upbeat, but I feel such a pressure to keep being like this, a lot of people, I feel just expect me to remain this way, as I am 'well'.
I feel like I am not Fiona anymore, I am just a cancer victim, and I dont want to be one of these.
Physically too, I am fatigued. I have not been able to do a single bit of exercise since I came back my hols and restarted chemo. I just dont have an ounce of energy. Before the holidays I was swimming and walking all the time, and now I am doing nothing.
I feel so distanced from my 2 best friends - no-ones fault, its just the way I feel. They have their own lives to live, and I know that, but I miss them.
I want to feel better and I want it now.
I had mindfulness today, and spoke to M about seeing her again 1 to 1 - she agreed and we have made an appointment, I know I need to see her, to try to get my head straight again.
For the first time, I feel so angry about having cancer, about dying, about not having a normal life, while my friends and family continue with theirs. I feel selfish for having these thoughts and I HATE feeling like this. Although I have had down times immediately after diagnosis, and bad news, I have been so upbeat throughout this, maybe too upbeat, but I feel such a pressure to keep being like this, a lot of people, I feel just expect me to remain this way, as I am 'well'.
I feel like I am not Fiona anymore, I am just a cancer victim, and I dont want to be one of these.
Physically too, I am fatigued. I have not been able to do a single bit of exercise since I came back my hols and restarted chemo. I just dont have an ounce of energy. Before the holidays I was swimming and walking all the time, and now I am doing nothing.
I feel so distanced from my 2 best friends - no-ones fault, its just the way I feel. They have their own lives to live, and I know that, but I miss them.
I want to feel better and I want it now.
18th September 2010
A couple of folk still working in Sick Kids thought they were seein a ghost I think when they saw me, and they just couldnt believe how well I am. I know I look well, but I really dont feel it inside. I am very good at 'putting on a face' tho.
12th September 2010
I nearly never went as I have felt really low lately. The Sunday after restarting chemo on the Thursday, I just hit a wall, both mentally and physically.
I just retreated into a big black cave for about a week, before forcing myself to go out and about. I didnt want to, and didnt speak to anyone in that week, apart from Suzie and dad. I am hiding how bad I feel from Suzie and dad, but they do realise I am not myself.
Mentally, I just feel like giving up. I feel such a pressure to keep going, as chemo is working, and I know it is not the time , not by a long shot for stopping treatment altogether, but just cant get it out of my head. I am totally fed up taking this poison, which has made me feel physically rotten since restarting, and just cant get this out of my head. I never realised how difficult it would be to take tabs twice a day, having to eat food when I dont feel like it, for 2 weeks and only have 1 week off. I thought taking oral would be so much easier and better than IV chemo, but I am changing my mind about that.
I have started going out and about and seeing people, but am having to force myself to do it. I hate feeling like this, I really do, but just cant seem to snap out of it.
26th August 2010
Today was the day when I restarted my chemo. I really really have considered considering with chemo break, until progression, but feel I have to keep going for Suzie and my dad.
Its such a difficult decision to make.
I never realised how much having to take chemo twice a day, with meals, is such a hard job. Its not gonna be easy.
Its such a difficult decision to make.
I never realised how much having to take chemo twice a day, with meals, is such a hard job. Its not gonna be easy.
25th August 2010
Suzie in Tenerife with her boyfriend.
Had a very relaxing holiday. We stayed in a 5 star spa hotel with the weirdest name - HIPOCAMPO PALACE!!!!!!!! Whats that all about - lol. The hotel, gardens, pool, food, weather and resort were fab. Although I was not impressed with the spa. I had 1 day where I felt quite rough, and had really bad bowel trouble when I was there (which started before I left home), so have not felt the benefit of being off chemo, but nevertheless, managed to have a fab holiday.
Its back to reality now tho, as I restart chemo tomorrow. I am really not looking forward to this, as I could almost pretend my life was normal when I was away, and this seems to feel like back to earth, and reality with a great big thump.
13th August 2010
My old friend S has been in contact through FB over the last month or so.
When Suzie told me she was going on hols with her boyfriend S, this month, I thought I would go abroad on my own, but S said she desperately needs a holiday and could she come. I was a bit nervous about this but we have met a few times now, and think it will be fine.
S and I talked about what happened all those years ago, and I told her my honest opinion of the person she had become many years ago. She didnt disagree with any of it. She has certainly changed, since the death of her own dad, and knows what its like to nurse someone through cancer. She is being very supportive.
We have had a lot of laughs talking about the past. Cannot believe that our babies are now 17.
Anyway, its nice to be in touch again and will see what happens in the future.
When Suzie told me she was going on hols with her boyfriend S, this month, I thought I would go abroad on my own, but S said she desperately needs a holiday and could she come. I was a bit nervous about this but we have met a few times now, and think it will be fine.
S and I talked about what happened all those years ago, and I told her my honest opinion of the person she had become many years ago. She didnt disagree with any of it. She has certainly changed, since the death of her own dad, and knows what its like to nurse someone through cancer. She is being very supportive.
We have had a lot of laughs talking about the past. Cannot believe that our babies are now 17.
Anyway, its nice to be in touch again and will see what happens in the future.
3rd August 2010
Went to clinic today, and actually saw the consultant for the first time since my mets dx.
She said she had been thinking about me just staying off the chemo altogether for the moment, until progression of the disease again, but after discussing, we decided I should stay on it, as its working so well, and she was worried that if I came off it, things progressed, then they put me back on it, I may have become resistant to it (even tho I will become resistant to it some day in the future). So, I will miss another cycle, for my next holiday, then restart after that.
I cannot say I have really felt the benefit of being off the chemo so far - maybe I will soon
She said she had been thinking about me just staying off the chemo altogether for the moment, until progression of the disease again, but after discussing, we decided I should stay on it, as its working so well, and she was worried that if I came off it, things progressed, then they put me back on it, I may have become resistant to it (even tho I will become resistant to it some day in the future). So, I will miss another cycle, for my next holiday, then restart after that.
I cannot say I have really felt the benefit of being off the chemo so far - maybe I will soon
28th July 2010
There was entertainment on every night - some of it dodgy, but they did bingo every night, so Suzie was delightted (shes a bingo head).
It was fab to be away with Suzie, away from laptops etc, and even better to get away somewhere warm again. I was absolutely fine on the flight, and was not even concerned.
We just had a right caper of a holiday, it was great to spend a whole week with my gorgeous , albeit mental daughter :)
6th July 2010
Had D today to get my next chemo - cycle 21. I have been feeling really tired lately and am just fed up taking chemo. I have been like this for the past month or so, and just so felt I needed a break from this - both mentally and physcially. I have been on it now , continuously for 63 weeks. I know, other people on this chemo have had breaks so decided to ask D about it.
I explained why I wanted break, but once oncology found out about my planned holidays abroad, they did not hesitate. I will have an appointment after my 1st break to discuss properly with oncology. I must admit, I was relieved to leave the chemo unit without my bag of poison , I just hope I can feel the benefit of being off it.
I explained why I wanted break, but once oncology found out about my planned holidays abroad, they did not hesitate. I will have an appointment after my 1st break to discuss properly with oncology. I must admit, I was relieved to leave the chemo unit without my bag of poison , I just hope I can feel the benefit of being off it.
4th July 2010
Today was the Race for Life in Abz. We have never done it before as we have always been away, but decided we could do it this year.
Suzie, S, L, J and I did it together. Suzie and I raised £490 in total. A good enough sum considering its less than a month since my birthday fundraiser. I cannot keep expecting people to donate, so only plan on raising money once a year by doing whatever. I would love to do some more fundraisers, but people, as I would, would get tired of me asking for money.
Suzie, S, L, J and I did it together. Suzie and I raised £490 in total. A good enough sum considering its less than a month since my birthday fundraiser. I cannot keep expecting people to donate, so only plan on raising money once a year by doing whatever. I would love to do some more fundraisers, but people, as I would, would get tired of me asking for money.
21st June 2010
It's Suzies 17th birthday today. My baby is growing up.
Did I really think I would still be here to celebrate it with you - no. Did I hope I would be - definately yes.
BUT , did either of us think I would still be so well if I was still here - NO. I still am amazingly well, and I think we are both so grateful for each and every day together.
Suzie, you are such a level headed, happy and healthy girl. I thank you for being here, and for being you. You really do keep me going in the crap days. You have a mental sense of humour, and are just mad. I am so so lucky to have a daughter like you - I treasure and love you from the bottom of my heart.
xxxxxxxx
Did I really think I would still be here to celebrate it with you - no. Did I hope I would be - definately yes.
BUT , did either of us think I would still be so well if I was still here - NO. I still am amazingly well, and I think we are both so grateful for each and every day together.
Suzie, you are such a level headed, happy and healthy girl. I thank you for being here, and for being you. You really do keep me going in the crap days. You have a mental sense of humour, and are just mad. I am so so lucky to have a daughter like you - I treasure and love you from the bottom of my heart.
xxxxxxxx
20th June 2010
Got train down to Edinburgh to meet some of the BC Pals girls. Its really good to meet new people, and of course we understand exactly what each other is saying. We dont talk about cancer all day though, we have a laugh. A very nice lunch was had , followed by some lovely cocktails.
The company was fantastic, as always, and I felt quite merry by the time I got back to Abz.
If there is anyone ever reads this, I really can endorse the BC Pals breast cancer forum. Its a private forum where we can post about different aspects to do with cancer - our worries, fears etc etc. Its such a friendly and supportive site, that if you have a question, there is nearly always someone there who has the answer. Although our family and friends are supportive , and can empathise, nobody, but nobody knows what is really like, until you have had cancer yourself. I am not dissing the support I have had from my friends and family at all, and I never ever would, so please dont think I am.
The company was fantastic, as always, and I felt quite merry by the time I got back to Abz.
If there is anyone ever reads this, I really can endorse the BC Pals breast cancer forum. Its a private forum where we can post about different aspects to do with cancer - our worries, fears etc etc. Its such a friendly and supportive site, that if you have a question, there is nearly always someone there who has the answer. Although our family and friends are supportive , and can empathise, nobody, but nobody knows what is really like, until you have had cancer yourself. I am not dissing the support I have had from my friends and family at all, and I never ever would, so please dont think I am.
28th May 2010
Suzie and I were into theatre to see Joseph - this must be about the 6 or 7th time we have seen this now, but we both still love it. We had a good night as always.
Whenever I have theatre trips now, I always book front row seats in balcony or upper balcony - and why not - we deserve it.
May there be many more shows and trips to come.
Whenever I have theatre trips now, I always book front row seats in balcony or upper balcony - and why not - we deserve it.
May there be many more shows and trips to come.
21st May 2010
Since I last wrote, I have seen cardiology and everything there is stable. I asked consultant about flying and he said there is no reason whatsoever that I cant. I also spoke to Oncology team about it, and they said the same, SO...................................SUMMER HOLIDAYS AND HEAT HERE WE COME.
Have also had another CT Scan and still have STABLE DISEASE - there goes those 2 lovely words again. I have now been on this chemo for 14 months, and its still working. My mets in lung have disappeared, and the others are calcified - so its fantastic news - AND - they are not scanning me for 6 MONTHS - yikes yikes yikes!!!!!!!!!!. Brilliant news tho - I am so so happy and still well - its trult amazing.
Suzie, dad and mates so chuffed too.
Have also had another CT Scan and still have STABLE DISEASE - there goes those 2 lovely words again. I have now been on this chemo for 14 months, and its still working. My mets in lung have disappeared, and the others are calcified - so its fantastic news - AND - they are not scanning me for 6 MONTHS - yikes yikes yikes!!!!!!!!!!. Brilliant news tho - I am so so happy and still well - its trult amazing.
Suzie, dad and mates so chuffed too.
7th May 2010
I have felt lumps in my remaining breast over the past couple of weeks. The worry really does not end. But, this time again it was good news. I had a mammogram and that was normal so I am relieved. Even tho I have terminal cancer, it would have still been bad news to get it in the other breast.
30th April 2010
I am still coming down after the fundraiser - makes me smile every time I think of it. Suzie had a fab time (apart from the hangover) and wants me to do one next year!!
S got good news that after 3 cycles of her chemo, her mets have shrunk, so thats brilliant news too.
Suzie had an interview at college the other day, and did not get into the 2 year photography course she wanted, as it was full, but instead she will do a 1 year course, and if she passes that, she will automatically get into the 2 year HND next year.
S got good news that after 3 cycles of her chemo, her mets have shrunk, so thats brilliant news too.
Suzie had an interview at college the other day, and did not get into the 2 year photography course she wanted, as it was full, but instead she will do a 1 year course, and if she passes that, she will automatically get into the 2 year HND next year.
25th April 2010
Since I decided to hold this, I have been so busy sending out begging letters - must have sent about 100 for raffle and auction prizes, then picking them up and organising other stuff. Thank you to all the companies etc who donated. The response was pretty overwhelming.
I charged £10 a head to get in (to cover costs of disco and food), and I had a strictly NO presents policy, with donations in lieu if wanted. I decided to raise the money for Cancer Research UK, but specifically, this money was going towards a research study they are away to start for triple negative breast cancer, so it means a lot to me to be raising for the type of cancer I have.
I had an absolutely FANBLOODYTASTIC night. There must have been about 140 people or so came. I managed my speech really well - I didnt even cry which I thought I would, although many other people did!!. We had games to raise money, the Parkway Inn were so generous and gave me the hall etc for free, the disco was discounted so thanks for that. With the games, raffle (13 raffle books were sold), and the auction, and of course donations of cash, we managed to raise the astounding amount of £4660. I was absolutely stunned when we counted the money - I couldnt believe this was all raised in 1 night.
Thanks to all of you who came, donated, helped sell raffles and for your support.
My dad, unbeknown to me, contacted the Evening Express to see if they would come take a picture on the night - they said they couldnt but wanted to do a story on it. So a journalist phoned me last week and sent round a photographer. There was a HUGE 2 page spread of my story in the paper. I was a bit embarassed about doing it, but if it raises awareness etc then its worth it.
Again, I just cannot thank you all enough. You never know, maybe next year I will still be here and do another...............everything crossed.
Suzie and I have now met C's daughter J - she is a lovely lovely girl , and we all get on really well, so thats really good too. Life is GOOD GOOD GOOD :)
9th April 2010
I have been back down to Norton House Hotel in Edinburgh twice within a week.
Firstly, C and I went. He was a spa virgin up till now, but he really enjoyed himself. We had a couple of treatments each and just chilled and got to know each other more. Did a bit of shopping too one day. Had beautiful food and a few drinks. Great time had.
2 days after returning with C, off Suzie and I went on the train again for a 2 night stay. Again I had a couple of spa treatments, but Suzie only had a manicure. She is not so into this spa business as I am, but she is young and the whole taking your clothes off bit shes not keen on. We lounged about in the jacuzzi loads, and just generally had a good laugh and yap.
Suzie still doing ok with everything, asks questions now and again, but altho she thinks about it most day, ie me having cancer, she does not let it dominate her life which is great - why should she - she is 16 and should be living like a 16 year old, which she does, with all her great mates.
Firstly, C and I went. He was a spa virgin up till now, but he really enjoyed himself. We had a couple of treatments each and just chilled and got to know each other more. Did a bit of shopping too one day. Had beautiful food and a few drinks. Great time had.
2 days after returning with C, off Suzie and I went on the train again for a 2 night stay. Again I had a couple of spa treatments, but Suzie only had a manicure. She is not so into this spa business as I am, but she is young and the whole taking your clothes off bit shes not keen on. We lounged about in the jacuzzi loads, and just generally had a good laugh and yap.
Suzie still doing ok with everything, asks questions now and again, but altho she thinks about it most day, ie me having cancer, she does not let it dominate her life which is great - why should she - she is 16 and should be living like a 16 year old, which she does, with all her great mates.
29th March 2010
I had cardiology again today. Had an Echo, and my LVEF is still 43%. So it has not improved, but at least has not got worse.
Again, just something I have to live with.
Again, just something I have to live with.
26th March 2010
I remember thinking, when I got my terminal diagnosis, that my life was over, and I would always get ill etc etc. OK, I have been admitted to hospital twice as an emergency, but apart from that, and readjusting life to live with the side effects of the chemo, I have been pretty damned well. I have not had as much as a cold, and its not like I wrap myself up in cotton wool and do nothing.
I am not saying I dont get 'down' days, but they are few and far between. I truly believe, in part, this is to do with the mindfulness course I did. I mostly do live day to day - bit more difficult at scan times - but its a good way to live.
It also helps to make plans for the not so distant future, to have things to look forward to.
My lovely BCN and Chemo Nurse, and a few other folks call me "inspirational". I dont see that I am doing things different to what other people would do, but apparently I am. I get quite embarrassed when they say things like that but also quite flattered.
I suppose the point of this post, is to say to anyone else, who has just been either diagnosed with cancer, or terminal cancer, that it does not have to mean life is over. Yes its over as we knew it, but its the start of a new life, albeit a shortened one. We truly to have to make the most of each and every day, when we feel well enough, and spend time making memories with our loved ones. I really have accepted that this is what I have, and I just get on with it, as best I can - theres no other way to do it as far as I am concerned.
I am not saying I dont get 'down' days, but they are few and far between. I truly believe, in part, this is to do with the mindfulness course I did. I mostly do live day to day - bit more difficult at scan times - but its a good way to live.
It also helps to make plans for the not so distant future, to have things to look forward to.
My lovely BCN and Chemo Nurse, and a few other folks call me "inspirational". I dont see that I am doing things different to what other people would do, but apparently I am. I get quite embarrassed when they say things like that but also quite flattered.
I suppose the point of this post, is to say to anyone else, who has just been either diagnosed with cancer, or terminal cancer, that it does not have to mean life is over. Yes its over as we knew it, but its the start of a new life, albeit a shortened one. We truly to have to make the most of each and every day, when we feel well enough, and spend time making memories with our loved ones. I really have accepted that this is what I have, and I just get on with it, as best I can - theres no other way to do it as far as I am concerned.
25th March 2010
Suzie and I were into see Sound of Music in Abz tonight. It was actually really good. The 2 of us sat there and sung along. Will have to get some more plans in the making.
Relationship going very well and still feeling pretty good so all in all, lifes good.
Relationship going very well and still feeling pretty good so all in all, lifes good.
21st March 2010
19th March 2010
Its been a couple of weeks since I broke my wrist, but its getting sorer again. I had fracture clinic today, and they removed the plaster, as there was too much movement in it, so thats why it was so sore. They have given me a splint to wear the next couple of weeks them I am to start taking it off more and more. At least the smelly plaster is off.
6th March 2010
Went into see x factor tonight with Suzie, N and R. They bought a big spongy hand to put over my POP - hahaha, very funny :)
We had a good laugh and thats another memory made :)
We had a good laugh and thats another memory made :)
4th March 2010
Suzie BEGGED me to go ice skating with her. Was even over at N's yesterday telling her this, and she told me to "get my bloody arse down there with her". I KNEW it was a bad idea, but thought, go on Fi, go and make another memory. Well I did that - BY BREAKING MY WRIST!!!!!!!!!!! I hadnt even been on the ice for 10 mins when I went down with a thud, landing on my arm. Bloody hell it was sore. Had to phone dad to come and take me to hospital. So thats me no driving while I have a plaster on :(
Had to laugh after but jeez, I must listen to my instinct next time when I think something is a bad idea!!
Had to laugh after but jeez, I must listen to my instinct next time when I think something is a bad idea!!
28th February 2010
J and I had a spa day in the Marcliffe Hotel today.
It was utter bliss. I do love my spas and must have many more.
Still feeling really good and positive.
It was utter bliss. I do love my spas and must have many more.
Still feeling really good and positive.
10th February 2010
In the past week, Suzie and I have had 2 theatre shows here in Abz. Last week we saw Stomp - it was absolutely amazing, it truly was. Tonight we saw Whistle Down the Wind - wouldnt rush back to see that one. We always go out for tea before out theatre shows.
More memories......................
More memories......................
15th January 2010
The past year has been quite a year. I have had lots of trips, days out, lunches, meals etc. I certainly know who my true friends are. They have been , and are still there for me - and you all know who you are. You all mean the world to me - thank you for all your continuing support and happiness when I have shared my good news with you
I really need to pinch myself sometimes, because I still cannot believe I am living a near normal life (well my new normal), after the prognosis I was given. I am so grateful for this oral chemo.
I am thinking about holding a fundraising night for my 42nd birthday in April. Suzie thinks its an ace idea, and thinks I definately should so I think I need to get busy with begging letters etc as will hold a raffle and auction.
Life really couldnt be better - well as good as it can get living with terminal cancer.
26th December 2009
Dad came over on christmas eve, so dad, Suzie and I had our christmas dinner then. Suzie then went to her dads.
On Christmas Day, I picked Suzie up from her dads, and we went up to N's parents in Banff for our Christmas Day and stayed up there. We both had so much fun. Again it was great to be involved in a big, family christmas. We were made so welcome again, and I feel so happy that Suzie had the experience of a big family christmas, as she was really too young to remember these when she was little and I was married to her dad..
Came home today, and Suzies friend came to stay the night. They went away out and C came round. As soon as Suzie came home from being out, (C was away by this time), she marched into my bedroom and demanded to know if C and I were going out. When I said yes, we were giving it a go, she started crying - happy tears. When I asked why she was crying she just said that he made me happy and she really liked him.
I have made a promise to myself tho, to still keep going on lots of trips with Suzie - that is not going to change, and C knows that.
All is good :)
24th December 2009
Mmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm - C (my friend), came round with HUGE boquet of flowers for me. We have been talking lots lately, and he wanted to get me these. Of course, once he left, Suzie was quizzing me what was going on - I said we were just friends.
However, C came back for a couple of drinks at night, and we ended up talking and decided to give a relationship a go. He knows exactly my prognosis etc and just accepts me for who I am and what I have. He really is a lovely, genuine bloke, and says he will deal with the future when it happens.
However, C came back for a couple of drinks at night, and we ended up talking and decided to give a relationship a go. He knows exactly my prognosis etc and just accepts me for who I am and what I have. He really is a lovely, genuine bloke, and says he will deal with the future when it happens.
18th December 2009
Went out with N and L for 'mad Friday'. The weather to get to N's was absolutely horrific. The roads were so bad it took me forever to get there. Just as I arrived I realised I had forgotten handbag (with all my meds in it). There was no way I could go back, the main drug was my sleeping tab, as I am still on 7 mgs. I found some Sevridol in my rucksack, so thought if I took them I might get some sleep.
Anyway, we had an ace laugh and at end of night went back to N's. I ended up taking 30mgs of sevridol - me thinks it was a tad too much. I was awake all night, but had very dodgy breathing - I was scared N was going to get up to a dead person in the morning. So lesson learned there - dont make up your own dose Fi!!!!
I really feel well just now (apart from hangover after mad friday - but I dont count that). Absolutely no-one would know that I was terminally ill, and in fact, when we were out I bumped into quite a few folk from my past, and they didnt know, and were just gobsmacked - they all handled it really well tho. I dont go up to folk and say by the way I am terminally ill, but neither do I hide it. It always ends up in the conversation when someone asks why I am not at gym anymore, or do I still work at sick kids, and when I say no, they then ask why. I am totally open and honest with people - if they cant handle it, then thats their problem, but I dont see why I should lie to people??? Maybe I handle things different from others, I dont know, but it feels right to me.
Anyway, we had an ace laugh and at end of night went back to N's. I ended up taking 30mgs of sevridol - me thinks it was a tad too much. I was awake all night, but had very dodgy breathing - I was scared N was going to get up to a dead person in the morning. So lesson learned there - dont make up your own dose Fi!!!!
I really feel well just now (apart from hangover after mad friday - but I dont count that). Absolutely no-one would know that I was terminally ill, and in fact, when we were out I bumped into quite a few folk from my past, and they didnt know, and were just gobsmacked - they all handled it really well tho. I dont go up to folk and say by the way I am terminally ill, but neither do I hide it. It always ends up in the conversation when someone asks why I am not at gym anymore, or do I still work at sick kids, and when I say no, they then ask why. I am totally open and honest with people - if they cant handle it, then thats their problem, but I dont see why I should lie to people??? Maybe I handle things different from others, I dont know, but it feels right to me.
12th December 2009
We went to theatre at night to see We Will Rock You - we both thought it was fantastic. Yet another fantastic memory.
5th December 2009
My MST has now stoppped so that is fantastic. Only drawback is I have had to increase my sleeping tabs from 3mgs to 7!!!!!
2nd December 2009
Morgs came up from Newcastle to have a visit. Was really good to see her. We did some shopping and had a nice meal and drinks. It was absolutely BALTIC tho, but we found these great handwarmer things - they were ace.
24th November 2009
Got back yesterday from trip to Norwich to see G and D. Got the train down as still dont know if I can fly. Even though I was on my own, I had a good trip down and back. Just sit back in first class and relax - its great.
Was really good to see them, did a bit of shopping, bought some stuff. Had nice meals and company. Hopefully will get back down in the future again.
MST is now down to 10mgs twice a day, so hopefully within next week I will be off it. I am not nearly as groggy as I was so that feels good. Glad I asked to come off it.
Was really good to see them, did a bit of shopping, bought some stuff. Had nice meals and company. Hopefully will get back down in the future again.
MST is now down to 10mgs twice a day, so hopefully within next week I will be off it. I am not nearly as groggy as I was so that feels good. Glad I asked to come off it.
17th November 2009
I have been on MST since I was admitted to hospital earlier in the year with the headaches. I really dont feel I need it anymore, and it does make me sluggish, so went to GP today to discuss trying to come off it. We have started a programme for reducing the dose so fingers crossed I can get off them. I know I will need them again in the future, but I just think if I dont need a drug then why take it.
Suzie and I were at theatre in Abz to see Chicago - it was pretty good.
Suzie and I were at theatre in Abz to see Chicago - it was pretty good.
23rd October 2009
While we were in London, S text to say she had just been diagnosed. I cannot believe one of Suzies best friends mum has this too - we just cried when we found out. Bastard disease has struck again. I just want to be as much help to her as I can, if she wants me to.
I had Clinic today for the results of latest CT Scan - and I still have STABLE DISEASE - I absolutely cannot believe it. These tablets are definately my little miracle - who would have thought - its amazing. I am so so chuffed, as is everyone else.
Everything with me and my family is just ticking away nicely - which makes a change. Have quite a busy couple of months coming up with lots to look forward to.
I have also started gentle exercise which is giving me a bit more energy.
15th September 2009
Had a cardiac appointment today to see about LVEF. Have been started on ANOTHER drug to try to protect the heart from further damage. I am still classed as having mild heart failure with an LVEF of 43% so thats good.
Suzie and I were into theatre in Abz yesterday to see Evita - it was ok.
Still feeling pretty well lately, altho having another CT Scan soon so getting bit nervous.
Suzie and I were into theatre in Abz yesterday to see Evita - it was ok.
Still feeling pretty well lately, altho having another CT Scan soon so getting bit nervous.
21st August 2009
Was at clinic today for results of latest CT Scan - I still have STABLE DISEASE. Yipee doo daaaaa :). This is after 6 cycles of this chemo. They reduced my dose to 75% last time and the side effects are much less , so thats good too.
Generally I am feeling pretty well really, although I do get breathless with very little exertion.
Suzie seems to be doing well too. She did well in her Standard Grades, considering everything thats been in her head, so well that I am lighter to the tune of £100. Well done Suzie , I am really proud of you.
Generally I am feeling pretty well really, although I do get breathless with very little exertion.
Suzie seems to be doing well too. She did well in her Standard Grades, considering everything thats been in her head, so well that I am lighter to the tune of £100. Well done Suzie , I am really proud of you.
9th August 2009
We met Morgs from bc pals, did a bit of shopping then Met Morgs son and had a lovely meal and cocktails in the evening. The next day Suzie and I went to Metro Centre - cant believe how HUGE it is. It was very tiring but good. We both managed to buy a few bits and pieces.
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