Sadly Fiona passed away peacefully this morning at 6.10am. Love you Fi xxxxxx

Hi my names Donna Im one of Fiona's friends Im writing this on her behalf, all her own words from here on. Cannot remember if we said but the Cancer is active again(Theres not so much happy blogging now, but still days out etc) The Cancer started growing, we re started capecitabine which did not work this time so they stopped this and gave me 4 blasts of radiotherapy to right lung, December 12th, I was admitted to ward 17 where I was diagnosed with bloody Shingles! Was seen at clinic in between times and Dr R decided ( with my reluctant agreement) to start Gem/Carbo chemo - apparently the dogs bollox of chemo when we get to this stage! Ferbruary 2013 Was really a bit of a blur of feeling quiet blehh and was admitted to ward 17 again - turns out more shingles... Nae Luck! Had to cancel social outings more and more, and quality of life becoming less and less. Friday 15th March 2013. Another very significant date in my diary. I had an appointment at Clinic that morning. I had emailed J that week as I was having increasing headaches,nausea which turned into vomiting and increasingly unsteady on my feet, to the point I was unsafe at home. How or why I didn't fall up or down those stairs I will never know. Anyway A had to practically carry me into clinic, was seen by Dr T, admitted to ward 17, got head CT scan (which I had in Dec/Jan)This time got the scan with contrasts. Within 30 mins of scan Dr R was telling me I had multiple brain mets, I had at least 7 tumours and would need whole brain radiotherapy for 4 blasts. After this they don't brain scan me anymore, just go by symptoms and control these with steroids anti sickness etc. Of course I was on my own when I got this news - Im good at that! It was a few weeks after the radiotherapy that I started to loose my hair. They did say this would happen, and the hair loss would be permanent. Anyway, it was coming out in clumps in the shower, I was freaking out enough, never mind Suzie. I asked my best friend (before or after I bought lunch lol) if she would clipper the rest, after a quick NO, she agreed. Was so grateful to her, I thought it would be emotional but it was S that was, not me. Difficult job I imagine. April was a good month. I organised lots of cocktail lunches with different groups of friends, most of them I managed and had a bloody good laugh in the process. Much prefer going out for a late lunch and getting home tea time isn, no hangover, not unduly tired etc, its a good way to do it, Im happy to have so many friends caring. Suzie and I were meant to go see Joseph and his technicolor dream coat in March, but had to cancel as I was in hossie. S went with Suzie instead, think he was a musical virgin lol. Anyhow they enjoyed it even though it should have been me in that FRONT ROW SEAT OF THE STALLS!- Boo Hoo! Some of the outings I did manage were - lots of internet shopping Lol. Trips to town with D and A. Eyelashes (false which were fantastic)and made me feel more womanly after loosing hair. The girls from down South made a trip up to see me - it was lovely. We went to MUSA for Cocktails. Had cocktail lunch with Y and K from childline. Met T and T for lunch, big one was birthday lunch with N and S. We met in Soul. There birthday pressie to me was a framed picture of words, its hard to explain, but basically mostly single words which describe or are my fave things - vodka and coke, Suzie, Georgie, Candy crush, Facebook, Cocktails - get the gist? It was ace we just had a "grown up" - how did that happen? lunch with great food, lovely cocktails and reminiscing on old times and trips. Im May Vinero/bine chemo (oral) was started. I had been ill before it started, so I cant really blame it, but May and June were not good. I could not get rid of UTI and again had to keep cancelling social events. My quality of life was practically zero again. I questioned this chemo A LOT. All my friends were lovely again and came round for coffee, took me for coffee etc. The support Ive had has been immense. For S birthday we managed to go to Potarch hotel near Banchory, just the 3 of us, obviously ( or maybe not) Im illegal to drive since brain mets were diagnosed, so depending on others for lifts. Its not easy, but Im getting better at saying "Yes" May and June were filled with temperatures. Was eventually admitted mid June when I was diagnosed with a chest infection as well as a urine infection. I have not been home since admission on 19th June 2013. When at clinic D at the end of May I had asked Dr R to refer me to a consultant at Roxburgh House who was highly recommended, I asked for Dr L - Who even Dr R said to go to. After being in ward 17 for nearly a week, Dr L came and introduced himself. He is one of the the palliative care consultants at Roxburgh House. He is Ace! Great bedside manner, down to earth, straight to the point and honest. We all know how important those are to me. I spoke with him on Tuesday 25th June and by 11am on Wednesday 26th June I was in my own wee room in Roxburgh House. I thought I would have mixed feelings when I got wheeled into Roxburgh House but I don't know? IT FEELS RIGHT. I got wheeled in "my front door" and the view out my patio door at the other side of the room down one length of the gardens. It is peaceful, serene, quiet, friendly and just where I want to be. From a PE CT scan done in ARI, the chemo didnt work. The tumours have grown and in particular there is a new tumour which is flapping over the right bronchus causing it to block over, causing my symptoms, where I basically cant breath very well. I have morphine and midazolam continuos sub cut and pump and get breakthrough when I ask. This helps open up the airways, also on regular sallatamol nebulisers and breakthrough, all of which help. There is other news I am about to write, which will be out of order but I will write anyway. Georgie, even though I chucked him out all the time has gone to K and N's to stay. He has settled in no bother, he has only been there a week and K says he already has his paws under the table. Suzie and I managed a our trip to Edinburgh, I didnt think I would, but was determined to make the effort. We went down and back by train, saw Bohemian Rhapsody and came back the next day. The show was good but only a quarter full, if that. It was only 2 days before Suzies birthday, so I gave her money and she went shopping. She just went on her own, as I would just hold her back with my chest. I haven't said how bad this is, but its my main concern. Its very scary not being able to get breath into your body - VERY VERY SCARY. Anyway zipping to today, sat here, in room 4, Roxburgh Hough, writing this, wishing I was not. Since the brain mets, I found and fell in love with Bobbi Brown Make up - lol- and now so does Suzie. I have bought Suzie a new I Pad just cause I could. We we meant to be having, which I would have seen as our last big trip together, Yeah, in 4 nights time, we should be at the )2 London, right now waiting for Michael Buble. So So So gutted we are not there. I have finished all my paperwork and everyone has there envelopes and jobs to do, so, I am ready to die. I hope I do soon. Suzie can then get away to Tenerife, because lets face we are all sitting here, waiting for the inevitable. I hope to be pain free and breathing easily, or at least sleepy enough not to remember or know anything. Everyone has been fantastic and Im having to say no to visitors but Suzie, my poor dad, N and S and D and A, have all been brill, St seems to be supporting Suzie really well. Suzie my little star got 91% in her end of year exams, so is off to Uni after the summer to get her degree. I am so proud of her. Dad got my car so he has transport to get him around and my car is signed over to him so its his until he dosent want to drive it anymore. Dont think there is much else to say. I have written this in Roxburgh House on Sunday 7th July, so dont know if I will add to it or not. I kind of hope not, as that will mean my death will have been quick, and I think thats best for everyone, especially me. I thank you all, my beautiful family and friends. Thanks for your support and friendship over the years, thanks for the laughs, tears fun and memories. I am a better person for having knowing you all. .

What have I been up to since last post?

What have I been up to? Well.....................I am now a trained childline counsellor (obviously still a lot of learning to do) - but I made it through the training, despite feeling shitty with my own health a lot of the time. I have done 2 solo shifts now, and really enjoy it. Take my mind off my own problems and gives me something else to focus on. It is such a supportive environment, and they are going to work round my health. Have now just finished cycle 3 of chemo. I had my CT Scan yesterday and have to wait till Tuesday for results - its gonna be a long weekend. I am so so nervous, but trying not to let them get on top of me. Have still been feeling pretty crappy - so so tired, weak, coughing still, productive cough in mornings after a nights sleep, poor appetite. Life is certainly a challenge just now. Went in to see Michael McIntyre couple of weeks ago - he was so very very funny - had a sore belly and cheeks with laughing so much. It was good to laugh to much. We also had the school reunion couple of Fridays ago - it all went very well and we raised nearly £3,500 split between the Anchor Unit and Grampian Deaf Children's Society. Didnt know have the folk there lol, but had a great night, with pre party champagne and A's house with D. Think thats about it for just now. Just trying to keep going and doing things as much as my body will allow. Will update after scan Thanks to all out there who support me - I have very good friends F xx

Current Health

Well I found out last week (for sure), that the cancer is growing and has spread again. I have had the growth in my left lung, which was really slow growing over the last couple of years, but it has taken off now. From Oct 2010 to Oct 2011 it only grew 2mm, up to 10mm. Due to my cardiac CT Scan (which was fine by the way), they saw areas on both scans so I had restaging of cancer with Bone and CT Scan. Bone Scan was fine, but CT Scan showed growth and spread. The cancer in my left lung now measures 3.2cm (I think), BUT more worrying, is a new growth in my right lung which measures something like 5.2cm by 5cm (something like that). I always said the cancer had to grow again one day, and thought I would be 'ok' when it did, but I am totally gutted. I am angry and pissed off. I have felt unwell for the last couple of months, so am not surprised, but with feeling physically shit, I am not in a good place to be starting treatment again. Dont get me wrong, I can still do 'stuff', but not a lot of it, as just don't have the energy etc to do it. We decided to start Capecitabine Chemo tablets again. If you remember, they were the only chemo that has worked so far, so we decided it was sensible to start on these. I have been on them about 5 days now, and they are probably exacerbating my 'crappy' feeling. Another thing, from the CT Scan is a query about the growth on my right lung being a new primary - which would not be good. They are hoping its BC mets, BUT why would it sprout out of nowwhere and is bigger than the other one? There was suggestion of a biopsy of the right side, but they are waiting till after 3 cycles of this chemo. If the left shrinks and the right does not, then they will biopsy. So am back on the chemo treadmill again. Will have 3 cycles (9 weeks), of this chemo, then they will re scan to see if its working, and we will take it from there. I am tired, nauseas some of the time, fatigued, bloody coughing all the time, have had a few infections, and just cant be assed with it all. I honestly could throw in the towel. I know I shouldn't think like this, as there are others out there worse than me, but its how I feel. Hey ho. Lets see how it goes. Laters F xxx

Long Time!!

Hey Sorry its been so long since I updated. Health has taken turn for worse, but more about that later. Will jot down a few things I have been up to since last post (dependent on diary not memory!!) I suppose firstly I had my "I'm Still Here No 3" end of April. It went well and we raised I think over £4,000 for Aberdeen Breast Cancer Research Fund. A good night was had but think it has run its course now, don't plan on having another next year. Beginning of May, I started as a switchboard operator (voluntary), for one shift a week at childline. Really enjoyed it, but it did get a bit tedious with all the 'testing' calls, so I decided to do training to become a childline counsellor. I have now done 5 out of the 11 training nights, and am away to do my first practice shift this afternoon - shitting myself for that. Have been really undecided as to whether to continue or not due to present health, but gonna try to. In June, the pub had organised a day at Perth Races. Went with D, and J - had a brilliant fun day from start to finish. First time ever at races, and we didn't bet big, but really exciting. End of June, Suzie and I went to see Hugh Laurie sing in Glasgow - he was absolutely fantastic. We stayed overnight and had a shopping trip while we were there so had a good time away. Suzie had her usual busy summer - T in the Park with R, followed by Tenerife with the love of her life S. Hardly see her any more, but glad she is happy and getting on with her life. I did an appeal video for Aberdeen Uni - was not keen when they asked me, but if it can help raise the profile of BC and raise more money then I was happy to help. The video is still not 'out there' but is still being edited I believe. On 24th September, the Queen was opening the new Aberdeen University library, and because of all the fundraising I have done, I was invited, with a guest to a whole day of celebration. I took D, my old school friend, who now also fundraises for them. We started with an organ recital, lunch in Elphinstone Hall, a week drink in the High Street pub, then saw the Queen (saw not met), followed by a drinks reception then dinner in Elphinstone Hall at night. All in all a very grown up day for us. On Friday 28th September, my surrogate ma and da, S and D, got married. I was very privelidged to be invited, and had a lovely day. They giggled like teenagers the whole day, and it was very special. That kind of takes it to now. going to start a separate post about my current health. Thats the last 6 months in a nutshell. F

Me again

Ok

So still being lazy about posting.

I guess the main thing I have to post about is sad news about a friend. My friend Clare from Reading sadly died to this sodding disease on 1st April. We were great friends on bc pals, and on facebook, but only met once in person when I went down there - I did post about that. She was the nicest, friendliest woman who has sadly now gone aged 43, lovely husband and 6 year old boy - just so so sad. Her funeral is on the 20th, but its just too far for me to go, so I will have some quiet time here and think of her.

On the me front - I had my stress heart echo scan. It was a bit weird really - artificially getting your heart rate speeded up by drugs - and in typical Fiona fashion, I did not play by the book and needed another drug as my heart was not speeding up as they were wanting!!!
The report for the scan showed 'suggestion of existence of flow limiting lesion in the LAD at high level of stress'. The cardiologist reg phoned me about a week later to say he had discussed results with Consultant, and they want to do further tests. They gave me choice of either Angiogram, which has a 1 in 1000 risk of heart attack or stroke, or a cardiac CT, which needs to be done in Glasgow, but is non invasive. I thought about it for a while and decided on the CT cardiac one, as , knowing me, I would misbehave and do something wrong, like I usually do. Dont know how long I will have to wait for that.

Birthday fundraiser is now only 2 weeks on Saturday. There should be about 90 there, which I think is about usual. I have more raffle and auction prizes now, which is good, but dont think will have as much as usual, but thats now a bad thing as it usually takes forever, and folks will spend the same amount on raffle tickets.

Have been in at garage helping Ian loads as he had an operation on a disc in his back, and is unable to sit or stand for long - so this will go on for weeks - but glad to help. He has always been good to me.

Suzie and Georgie are both fine :):)

Think thats about it.

Love
Fi
xx

Just an update

Hey

Its been a while - AGAIN!!! Been lazy. So whats been going on?

Got a date in for my stress heart scan - thats on 21st this month - have to get a lift there and back as not allowed to drive but thats sorted.

Gluten free diet still going well - still constipated!!! Very bizarre. I have have gluten/wheat a couple of times this month to 'challenge' myself, and it has def affected my bowels - bad but not drastic, so just means if I really fancy something, especially when eating out then I can without suffering too bad - as long as I don't have plans for the next day it should be fine :)

Cant remember if I said I have a cat now - well I have - his names Georgie, he is 5 and is really settle in - gets a bit wild at times but he's good fun in the whole.

Suz and I went to see Olly Murs in Aberdeen - he was actually really entertaining and a great voice. We are now booked to go and see the one and only Hugh Laurie in Glasgow in June - he does not tour very often and is only doing 3 dates in Britain so we jumped at chance - something different but should be good, so we will stay overnight and do a bit of shopping.

Weight loss still going well - thats now 10 pounds and I am really noticing the difference and so are others now so thats all good - feel so much better for it :)

I finally booked my birthday fundraiser - its on 28th April - usual script re tickets etc, different venue. Not having great luck so far for stuff for raffle - think economy is really kicking in this year, but whatever we raise will still be a bonus.

Dont think I have much else to say really. Life is pretty good. See what this scan shows and see oncology next month day before my birthday.

TTFN
Fi
xxx