Suzie and I went up to Banff for hogmany. When the bells sounded in the New Year, I did not get emotional like I thought I would, just kinda felt numb. Manged to enjoy ourselves tho and good that we had something like that to go to. Thank you again the B family for making us so welcome and inviting us.
xx
Dropped Suzie at her dads on way home from Banff. After I went to bed, I had a MAJOR wobble. Couldnt stop thinking about what this year is going to bring. I am so so scared. Started thinking about my funeral and just sobbed and sobbed, feel so alone right now. I feel so feckin angry that I am having to do all this. ITS NOT FAIR, I HATE CANCER AND I HATE FEELING SHITTY FROM CHEMO.
I am now thinking that I cant believe I was so hooked on my body post mastectomy. I would give ANYTHING - live my life with NO boobs - just to live my life and see Suzie growing up into a beautiful woman.
I DO NOT WANT TO DIE
I DO NOT WANT TO LEAVE SUZIE, DAD AND MY FRIENDS
I HATE HATE HATE THIS.
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