Have taken bigger mortgage to pay off debts, so thats a releif.
Have also been to solicitors to sort out will.
I cannot believe how calmly I am sorting all this out - has it really hit me yet? I dont think it has.
On 17th, was sitting in house on my own in evening, when there was a knock on door. It was Ian, on his own. He gave me a huge bunch of flowers and we sat and chatted. The reason he had came over was to offer me a swap of car - he knew how much I loved his courtesy car mini's, so he would use my car as courtesy car, and I could run around in the mini for 18 months till the lease ran out. He said there was nothing he could do for me, but is this made me happy then I was more than welcome. I am so so touched and just in awe of peoples kindness.
I saw M on 18th. There were lots of tears. I feel very angry, especially about leaving Suzie. Angry that I am unlikely to be around for the likes of her graduation, engagement, wedding etc if these things happen. It should be me thats there for her. Near the end of the appointment, I said to M that I JUST WANTED TO SPEND THE REST OF MY LIFE LIVINGM AND NOT THE REST OF MY LIFE DYING. I guess I am the only one can make this happen.
Last night I went to the hospital panto with N. It was a HUGE decision to go or not, as I would be facing a lot of people I had not seen since terminal diagnosis and thought I would get too emotional. I did go, but was clinging onto N. I feel like I didnt leave her side and kept saying - dont leave me on my own. Everyone was lovely and said how sorry they were to hear my news - again very humbled. We went out afternward with a few of the docs etc - had a good laugh at karaoke!!
I am so lucky to be surrounded by people who genuinely care.
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