Hi
Just wanted to come on and wish all my family and friends a very merry christmas and the best of health for 2012.
It has been a mixed week - for me - of unknown illness - possibly viral type infection, or UTI, or both. All I know is I could not get out of bed on Tuesday, even had to call doc in (which is not like me), spent Wednesday in bed too, although sitting up some of the time, and apart from nipping to asda yesterday (which was very hard work), have been resting up.
Christmas Day is tomorrow, and altho I feel better, I am still running on about 75% capacity. Have eaten very little, but still gonna cook for dad and Suzie tomorrow and will try to eat myself.
On the plus side, my New Year diet has been kick started early and I have lost 6 1/2 pounds in about 5 days!! Well needed - but not like that!!! I really did feel bloody awful.
Dad was back in hossie too after having a fall at home, and then getting chest pain - but that was caused by bruised ribs. Its sad, but he is ageing quite quickly now I feel, and I know he worries about me, but sad to see him ageing so quickly all of a sudden to me.
Having a surprise at the sheltered housing on 30th for his 70th birthday, so he had better bloody behave himself and stay out of hospital, which he aint been doing a good job of this last 6 weeks or so.
Anyway, enough of that for now.
Who would have thought I would still be here - I am very very grateful for that.......so heres to another christmas with my family, and seeing my friends over the festive season.
Much Love and Health to all
Me
xxx
Todays thoughts...... The world if full of suffering. It is also full of overcoming...... HELEN KELLER
This is my story, as a 42 year old, young woman, living with terminal breast cancer.
Saturday, 24 December 2011
Friday, 9 December 2011
Bowels
Dont let the title put you off - lol.
I have been bothered with my bowels being very very loose for a long time, it has made me feel ill and sick, getting worse.
I finally had enough a few weeks ago, and even more so about a week ago, so phoned my GP again. I was started on Codeine Phosphate - which you may or may not know is a pain killer, but it is one that is know to 'bung you up'. Since starting it, my bowels have improved greatly, I have just had to play about with the dose to get the correct balance, and I seem to have reached that.
I cannot believe I have put up with this for so so long, but at least I seem to be getting control now - long may it continue.
Its now only a couple of weeks or so till xmas - not really feeling festive, but sure I will get there. Still cannot believe I am still here and still so well :)
Mentally I am still doing fine too - quite upbeat most of the time which is good, and have had a few things on with friends so its all good.
Todays writing......
Learn to calm down the winds of your mind, and you will enjoy greater inner peace...... Live Laugh Love
I have been bothered with my bowels being very very loose for a long time, it has made me feel ill and sick, getting worse.
I finally had enough a few weeks ago, and even more so about a week ago, so phoned my GP again. I was started on Codeine Phosphate - which you may or may not know is a pain killer, but it is one that is know to 'bung you up'. Since starting it, my bowels have improved greatly, I have just had to play about with the dose to get the correct balance, and I seem to have reached that.
I cannot believe I have put up with this for so so long, but at least I seem to be getting control now - long may it continue.
Its now only a couple of weeks or so till xmas - not really feeling festive, but sure I will get there. Still cannot believe I am still here and still so well :)
Mentally I am still doing fine too - quite upbeat most of the time which is good, and have had a few things on with friends so its all good.
Todays writing......
Learn to calm down the winds of your mind, and you will enjoy greater inner peace...... Live Laugh Love
Friday, 2 December 2011
Thoracic Surgeon
I cannot remember if I wrote before, think I did, but after my last scan, I enquired about possibility of having the small bit of cancer in my left lung removed, as it appears (altho there could still be microscopic cancer elsewhere we just don't know about yet), that this little bit of cancer is the only active bit.
I saw a thoracic surgeon on Wednesday. He was very nice, altho there was a wee bit of a mis communication. As well as my scan being discussed at x ray MDT meeting, when I got referred to thoracic surgeon, I was also discussed at the lung MDT meeting, so he thought I was there to hear about the surgery, and was ready to whip me in before xmas to get it done!!!! I was like - WOHHHHH , slow down, I aint even decided if I am having it removed now.
After I came out of there, and weighed everything up, I was erring on the NO side - as in not opting for surgery. I have left him saying I will discuss with oncologists when I see them in January.
I think people who don't have medical background are thinking - whip it out if its the only active bit. I had a long phone conversation with my chemo nurse yesterday - D. And for various reasons, I am even more erring on the NO side now. Trying to sum it up - basically there is greater risk of 'stirring up the cancer cell hornets nest' if they go in and disturb things, than leaving it alone and keeping an eye. They will not scan me earlier than a year. Also, if I got the surgery, the oncologists would definately give me chemo - to 'mop up' and stray cancer cells that may have been disturbed. I am fairly well just now, and should I go ahead with what could turn into a major op, I could be left with permanent nerve damage and pain, AND if the cancer was stirred up, I would be far less fit to tolerate chemo than I would be if things stirred up on their own right now.
I need to write down pros and cons, but have already done that mentally, and I have only come up with one pro so far - and that is - technically I would have no active cancer - but thats all to do with my brain - can I live with cancer in my body - well I have been for lots of years now, and yes can live with the knowledge that its there. Even though they removed this bit, I would still be classed as having metastatic disease.
Still pondering things over, but still keep coming up with NO.
D said, he, and the oncologists just cannot believe I am in this position to be even having to consider this - they , as I did, had me dead and buries years ago. As he reminded me, I was admitted to hospital after I got the mets diagnosis, with headaches, vomiting etc, and in his words - looked awful - they all thought the cancer had spread to my brain and that I was on my way out, cos of how I looked, and how aggressive the cancer was - now look at me!!?? As he said, I , and this cancer, have never done things by the book, and they are all astounded - but happily so.
I still have triple negative cancer, and they know if will kick off again, and when it does, it will probably be rapid, but there are still 4 other chemo's they have waiting in the sidelines, so all is not lost even when it does.
Suppose I always have been a stubborn little bugger :):)
Love
Fi
xxx
Todays saying........
May my heart be kind, my mind fierce, and my spirit brave....... Live Laugh Love
I saw a thoracic surgeon on Wednesday. He was very nice, altho there was a wee bit of a mis communication. As well as my scan being discussed at x ray MDT meeting, when I got referred to thoracic surgeon, I was also discussed at the lung MDT meeting, so he thought I was there to hear about the surgery, and was ready to whip me in before xmas to get it done!!!! I was like - WOHHHHH , slow down, I aint even decided if I am having it removed now.
After I came out of there, and weighed everything up, I was erring on the NO side - as in not opting for surgery. I have left him saying I will discuss with oncologists when I see them in January.
I think people who don't have medical background are thinking - whip it out if its the only active bit. I had a long phone conversation with my chemo nurse yesterday - D. And for various reasons, I am even more erring on the NO side now. Trying to sum it up - basically there is greater risk of 'stirring up the cancer cell hornets nest' if they go in and disturb things, than leaving it alone and keeping an eye. They will not scan me earlier than a year. Also, if I got the surgery, the oncologists would definately give me chemo - to 'mop up' and stray cancer cells that may have been disturbed. I am fairly well just now, and should I go ahead with what could turn into a major op, I could be left with permanent nerve damage and pain, AND if the cancer was stirred up, I would be far less fit to tolerate chemo than I would be if things stirred up on their own right now.
I need to write down pros and cons, but have already done that mentally, and I have only come up with one pro so far - and that is - technically I would have no active cancer - but thats all to do with my brain - can I live with cancer in my body - well I have been for lots of years now, and yes can live with the knowledge that its there. Even though they removed this bit, I would still be classed as having metastatic disease.
Still pondering things over, but still keep coming up with NO.
D said, he, and the oncologists just cannot believe I am in this position to be even having to consider this - they , as I did, had me dead and buries years ago. As he reminded me, I was admitted to hospital after I got the mets diagnosis, with headaches, vomiting etc, and in his words - looked awful - they all thought the cancer had spread to my brain and that I was on my way out, cos of how I looked, and how aggressive the cancer was - now look at me!!?? As he said, I , and this cancer, have never done things by the book, and they are all astounded - but happily so.
I still have triple negative cancer, and they know if will kick off again, and when it does, it will probably be rapid, but there are still 4 other chemo's they have waiting in the sidelines, so all is not lost even when it does.
Suppose I always have been a stubborn little bugger :):)
Love
Fi
xxx
Todays saying........
May my heart be kind, my mind fierce, and my spirit brave....... Live Laugh Love
School Reunion
Well we had the school reunion on Saturday 26th, and think I can confidently say it was a huge success, both in terms of turnout, people enjoying, and extreme generosity.
A, D and myself, were kept busy from the time we went in to set things up at 630, until about just before 11pm when we finally finished the raffle draw, then it was time to dance, something I don't usually do, but I kept getting dragged up.
We were raising money for Aberdeen Breast Cancer Research Fund, and with donations, gift aid, ticket sales and raffle and silent auction - we raised an astounding £4379!!!! Totally humbling and amazing, especially given time of year, everyones finances etc. BIG BIG thank you to everyone who donated, helped and especially D and A. I even managed to do a speech, after which, a few strangers in the bar came up to me and said well done and great speech!!
Anyway, had a fab night, although I/We did not recognise everyone, most we did. Intend to make it an annual fundraiser, with hopefully mini get togethers in between times.
Todays saying.....
Anyone can give up, its the easiest thing in the world to do. But to hold it together when everyone else would understand if you fell apart, thats true strength..... Live Laugh Love
A, D and myself, were kept busy from the time we went in to set things up at 630, until about just before 11pm when we finally finished the raffle draw, then it was time to dance, something I don't usually do, but I kept getting dragged up.
We were raising money for Aberdeen Breast Cancer Research Fund, and with donations, gift aid, ticket sales and raffle and silent auction - we raised an astounding £4379!!!! Totally humbling and amazing, especially given time of year, everyones finances etc. BIG BIG thank you to everyone who donated, helped and especially D and A. I even managed to do a speech, after which, a few strangers in the bar came up to me and said well done and great speech!!
Anyway, had a fab night, although I/We did not recognise everyone, most we did. Intend to make it an annual fundraiser, with hopefully mini get togethers in between times.
Todays saying.....
Anyone can give up, its the easiest thing in the world to do. But to hold it together when everyone else would understand if you fell apart, thats true strength..... Live Laugh Love
Saturday, 19 November 2011
Me again.......
Thought I had better update - whats been happening??
Well I phoned chemo nurse to discuss whether my scan had been discussed at x ray meeting, and it had, and he also had copy of letter (which I have since received), from onc . Basically at the x ray meeting, it was agreed no new growths on my scan, and the cancerous nodule was confirmed as just having grown 2mm in a year. They did discuss whether surgery would be an option, and it probably would be, but they would probably like to sit on it, and scan me in another year - which seems a bit long to me!! However the letter did say if I want referred to cardio thoracic to discuss options then thats fine too, so after discussion with D, thats what I am going to do.
To be honest, if it was thoracotomy, that is a major op, so its not a decision I would jump into, but if it could be done keyhole then that would be a better option. I have lots of questions I need to ask, and after that lots of thinking.
IF I got the nodule removed, I would technically have no active cancer in my body - altho there could obviously be microscopic cells elsewhere that just do not show up on scan yet. Guess its a question if I want to risk surgery, or wrist leaving the cancer to grow further then start treatment again - not an easy one!!!
Thats the health news. The school reunion is now only 1 week today - the excitement is really building, so has the list of people coming, and the list of fab raffle prizes. Really looking forward to it, cant wait.
Was out to pub yesterday with old school friend F, went out for lunch - and got home at 0130!!! Was supposed to have old sick kids lunch today, but I switched off my alarm this morning, fell asleep again, and didn't wake up till 1130 - the lunch started at 12, so there was no way I was going to make it - shame I was looking forward to it.
Think thats about it for now
Bye for noooooo
F
xxx
Todays saying.....
Many people think because a person appears to be well on the outside, that nothing is wrong on the inside. This is not true. Many of us are hiding our physical and mental pain with a smile.........Paulo Coelho
Well I phoned chemo nurse to discuss whether my scan had been discussed at x ray meeting, and it had, and he also had copy of letter (which I have since received), from onc . Basically at the x ray meeting, it was agreed no new growths on my scan, and the cancerous nodule was confirmed as just having grown 2mm in a year. They did discuss whether surgery would be an option, and it probably would be, but they would probably like to sit on it, and scan me in another year - which seems a bit long to me!! However the letter did say if I want referred to cardio thoracic to discuss options then thats fine too, so after discussion with D, thats what I am going to do.
To be honest, if it was thoracotomy, that is a major op, so its not a decision I would jump into, but if it could be done keyhole then that would be a better option. I have lots of questions I need to ask, and after that lots of thinking.
IF I got the nodule removed, I would technically have no active cancer in my body - altho there could obviously be microscopic cells elsewhere that just do not show up on scan yet. Guess its a question if I want to risk surgery, or wrist leaving the cancer to grow further then start treatment again - not an easy one!!!
Thats the health news. The school reunion is now only 1 week today - the excitement is really building, so has the list of people coming, and the list of fab raffle prizes. Really looking forward to it, cant wait.
Was out to pub yesterday with old school friend F, went out for lunch - and got home at 0130!!! Was supposed to have old sick kids lunch today, but I switched off my alarm this morning, fell asleep again, and didn't wake up till 1130 - the lunch started at 12, so there was no way I was going to make it - shame I was looking forward to it.
Think thats about it for now
Bye for noooooo
F
xxx
Todays saying.....
Many people think because a person appears to be well on the outside, that nothing is wrong on the inside. This is not true. Many of us are hiding our physical and mental pain with a smile.........Paulo Coelho
Friday, 4 November 2011
George Michael
Well what can I say...........exactly a week ago, Suzie and I were inside the Royal Albert Hall, in the champagne bar eagerly awaiting the one and only George Michael..........and I for one was not disappointed. He was everything I ever hoped for and more.
The gig was just fantastic, I sat with a grin on my face most of the time, and just couldn't believe that I was finally seeing him after being a fan since the Wham days.
The Royal Albert Hall was a very special place too - absolutely stunning.
There are just no words to describe the whole experience, his voice was truly amazing, and he was looking very fit indeed and is ageing very well.
The whole trip to London was good, with Suzie, S and R. We went to see Shrek the musical Thursday night, the girls went shopping on Regent Street on Friday, whilst S and I sat in bar. On Saturday, we went to Covent Garden, but S was in a lot of pain so had to back to hotel to lie down before the show at night. Suzie and I saw Wicked again at night. All in all, a good time had by all I think.
I should be feeling top of the world after my scan results, but to be honest I am still feeling pretty shite and don't know why - feel sicky, little appetite, little energy, and have had a few dizzy spells. Getting pretty pizd off feeling like this, and not knowing why. Trying to sort out bowels and see if that helps any, but will head back to GP if this sicky feeling persists.
Mentally I am still fine, don't think I am depressed, just fed up feeling crap.
will try to attach pic of GM once I am on lappy rather than ipad.
Wish I was seeing George again tonight - lol
xxxx
Todays verse.....
You can't have a better tomorrow if your thinking about yesterday all the time..... Live Laugh Love
The gig was just fantastic, I sat with a grin on my face most of the time, and just couldn't believe that I was finally seeing him after being a fan since the Wham days.
The Royal Albert Hall was a very special place too - absolutely stunning.
There are just no words to describe the whole experience, his voice was truly amazing, and he was looking very fit indeed and is ageing very well.
The whole trip to London was good, with Suzie, S and R. We went to see Shrek the musical Thursday night, the girls went shopping on Regent Street on Friday, whilst S and I sat in bar. On Saturday, we went to Covent Garden, but S was in a lot of pain so had to back to hotel to lie down before the show at night. Suzie and I saw Wicked again at night. All in all, a good time had by all I think.
I should be feeling top of the world after my scan results, but to be honest I am still feeling pretty shite and don't know why - feel sicky, little appetite, little energy, and have had a few dizzy spells. Getting pretty pizd off feeling like this, and not knowing why. Trying to sort out bowels and see if that helps any, but will head back to GP if this sicky feeling persists.
Mentally I am still fine, don't think I am depressed, just fed up feeling crap.
will try to attach pic of GM once I am on lappy rather than ipad.
Wish I was seeing George again tonight - lol
xxxx
Todays verse.....
You can't have a better tomorrow if your thinking about yesterday all the time..... Live Laugh Love
Wednesday, 26 October 2011
Post Scan Update
.........And its a happy one.
Went to clinic yesterday, and the CT Scan shows STABLE DISEASE. Apparently there is no change apart from 1 little nodule on my left lung, which appeared at the scan 1 year ago. Back then it measure 8mm, and a year on it measure 10mm. They reckon it is definately cancer, BUT a very slow growing one - grade 1. They are going to put my scan to an xray meeting in the next couple of weeks to discuss it, as she is a bit perplexed, but probably nothing to be done - certainly not chemo. It MAY be removable but just wait and see.
I had a long discussion about how long things could stay like this, as is stable, as I have been off treatment for a year now - she does not have an answer. She said the last chemo worked so very well for me, and my body is obviously fighting its own fight now keeping it all at bay.
So I am 1 happy lady, and am going off to London on Thursday with a light heart, bring on the champagne. After London, I really am going to have to reign in the spending, and I plan to go on a diet, lose some weight and try some gentle exercise - in other words, give myself a kick up the arse.
xxxxx
Todays writing
Some people come into our lives and quickly go. Some people move our souls to dance. They awaken us to new understanding with the passing whisper of their wisdom.
Some people make the sky more beautiful to gaze upon. They stay in our lives for awhile, leave footprints in our hearts, and we are never, ever the same. And sometimes things happen to you that may seem horrible, painful, and unfair at first, but on reflection, you find that without overcoming those obstacles, you would have never reliased your potential, strength, willpower, or heart, Everything happens for a reason, nothing happens by chance or by means of luck. Illness, injury, love, lost moments of true greatness, and sheer stupidity all occur to test the limits of your soul. Without these small tests, whatever they may be, life would be like a smoothly paved, straight, flat road to nowhere. It would be sage and comfortable, but dull and utterly pointless. The people you meet who affect your life, and the success and downfalls you experience, helps to create who you become. Even the bad experiences can be learned from. In fact, they are probably the most poignant and important ones.... Live Laugh Love.
Went to clinic yesterday, and the CT Scan shows STABLE DISEASE. Apparently there is no change apart from 1 little nodule on my left lung, which appeared at the scan 1 year ago. Back then it measure 8mm, and a year on it measure 10mm. They reckon it is definately cancer, BUT a very slow growing one - grade 1. They are going to put my scan to an xray meeting in the next couple of weeks to discuss it, as she is a bit perplexed, but probably nothing to be done - certainly not chemo. It MAY be removable but just wait and see.
I had a long discussion about how long things could stay like this, as is stable, as I have been off treatment for a year now - she does not have an answer. She said the last chemo worked so very well for me, and my body is obviously fighting its own fight now keeping it all at bay.
So I am 1 happy lady, and am going off to London on Thursday with a light heart, bring on the champagne. After London, I really am going to have to reign in the spending, and I plan to go on a diet, lose some weight and try some gentle exercise - in other words, give myself a kick up the arse.
xxxxx
Todays writing
Some people come into our lives and quickly go. Some people move our souls to dance. They awaken us to new understanding with the passing whisper of their wisdom.
Some people make the sky more beautiful to gaze upon. They stay in our lives for awhile, leave footprints in our hearts, and we are never, ever the same. And sometimes things happen to you that may seem horrible, painful, and unfair at first, but on reflection, you find that without overcoming those obstacles, you would have never reliased your potential, strength, willpower, or heart, Everything happens for a reason, nothing happens by chance or by means of luck. Illness, injury, love, lost moments of true greatness, and sheer stupidity all occur to test the limits of your soul. Without these small tests, whatever they may be, life would be like a smoothly paved, straight, flat road to nowhere. It would be sage and comfortable, but dull and utterly pointless. The people you meet who affect your life, and the success and downfalls you experience, helps to create who you become. Even the bad experiences can be learned from. In fact, they are probably the most poignant and important ones.... Live Laugh Love.
Monday, 24 October 2011
Looking Back
I was round at a friends yesterday, and showed him my blog. I then came home and read it from the beginning............jeez I have been through a lot of shit - between my cancer, mum and dad.
I never remember thinking why me? , but I did several times way back. It is just truly amazing how far on I have come mentally, even since the end of last year when I was in a very dark place. The mind is an amazing thing, and given the correct tools, it can heal and move on.
For the past 7 week I have been doing a compassion course, follow on from the mindfulness I did. I do think I have self compassion, and know I have compassion to others, but its just developing this further, and the way I see it, its another tool in my mental box, for when my mind does start down that slippery slope of getting into the black hole again, which is bound to happen one day. We have the last session this afternoon.
Here is something else I found on the Live Laugh Love page on FB...........
I am responsible for the growth and maintenance of mindfulness in my own life. Each day is an opportunity for me to discover deeper truths about myself. Every moment is an invitation for me to grant others the space they need to be themselves. within me exists a world of awe and splendour, and every morning is a reminder of my innate obligation to participate in my own majesty. This life is my inheritance as a human being, and I will claim it by living as fully as I possibly can through mindful and compassionate participation. May any reward I receive be recycled through my service to others............
CT Scan results tomorrow. Will post after that........
xxxx
I never remember thinking why me? , but I did several times way back. It is just truly amazing how far on I have come mentally, even since the end of last year when I was in a very dark place. The mind is an amazing thing, and given the correct tools, it can heal and move on.
For the past 7 week I have been doing a compassion course, follow on from the mindfulness I did. I do think I have self compassion, and know I have compassion to others, but its just developing this further, and the way I see it, its another tool in my mental box, for when my mind does start down that slippery slope of getting into the black hole again, which is bound to happen one day. We have the last session this afternoon.
Here is something else I found on the Live Laugh Love page on FB...........
I am responsible for the growth and maintenance of mindfulness in my own life. Each day is an opportunity for me to discover deeper truths about myself. Every moment is an invitation for me to grant others the space they need to be themselves. within me exists a world of awe and splendour, and every morning is a reminder of my innate obligation to participate in my own majesty. This life is my inheritance as a human being, and I will claim it by living as fully as I possibly can through mindful and compassionate participation. May any reward I receive be recycled through my service to others............
CT Scan results tomorrow. Will post after that........
xxxx
Saturday, 22 October 2011
Todays writing
Let-go means no competition, no struggle, no fight.....just relaxing with existence, wherever it leads. Not trying to control your future, not trying to control consequences, but allowing them to happen....not even thinking about them. Let-go is in the present; consequences are tomorrow. And let-go is such a delightful experience, a total relaxation, a deep synchronicity with existence........ OSHO
xxx
xxx
Friday, 21 October 2011
Update and more......
Had my CT Scan yesterday, so just have to wait till Tuesday for results!! Feel like I am prepared for whatever, will be very surprised if cancer has not grown, but know it has to one day so feel semi ok. Will post about that next week.....
Exactly a week tonight - I will be sat in the Royal Albert Hall, waiting for George Michael to come on stage in 10 minutes time - soooooper excited :)
I have found a page on FB called Live, Laugh, Love - and you all know I love that saying and have it tattooed on my arm. Well the site posts meaningful and poignant phrases and verses (well some of them are meaningful to me), so am going to start posting my faces on here, so here is the first.
If your feeling frightened about what comes next, don't be. Embrace the uncertainty. Allow it to lead you places. Be brave as it challenges you to exercise both your heart and your mind as you create your own path towards happiness, don't waste time with regret. spin wildly into your next action. Enjoy the present, each moment, as it comes; because you'll never get another one quite like it. And if you should ever look up and find yourself lost, simply take a breath and start over. Retrace your steps and go back to the purest place in your heart, where your hope lives. You'll find your way again.......
I think, the things I am going to copy here, are meaningful, party because the words ring true to me, and for what I have learned on my mindfulness and compassion groups. Hope whoever reads this finds it meaningful too
xxxxxxxx
Exactly a week tonight - I will be sat in the Royal Albert Hall, waiting for George Michael to come on stage in 10 minutes time - soooooper excited :)
I have found a page on FB called Live, Laugh, Love - and you all know I love that saying and have it tattooed on my arm. Well the site posts meaningful and poignant phrases and verses (well some of them are meaningful to me), so am going to start posting my faces on here, so here is the first.
If your feeling frightened about what comes next, don't be. Embrace the uncertainty. Allow it to lead you places. Be brave as it challenges you to exercise both your heart and your mind as you create your own path towards happiness, don't waste time with regret. spin wildly into your next action. Enjoy the present, each moment, as it comes; because you'll never get another one quite like it. And if you should ever look up and find yourself lost, simply take a breath and start over. Retrace your steps and go back to the purest place in your heart, where your hope lives. You'll find your way again.......
I think, the things I am going to copy here, are meaningful, party because the words ring true to me, and for what I have learned on my mindfulness and compassion groups. Hope whoever reads this finds it meaningful too
xxxxxxxx
Saturday, 15 October 2011
Another update
Well this is Saturday, and I had my colonoscopy on Thursday afternoon.............. the trauma is beginning to leave me!!!
I got this done due to my worsening bowels, with some old and fresh blood. I knew it would be uncomfortable, but.......... even the prep the day before was bad, my poor wee (or not so wee) bottom was soooooo sore. Had to go in for 245, and they were running about an hour late. The unit was lovely (endoscopy), and the staff were lovely too. The procedure was explained, and I would be having sedation, although they liked to keep the sedation light. Was taken into room for the procedure, everything explained again, and given 5mg midazolam, told I will feel woozy. WELL the Midaz did absolultely nothing for me, probably due to the dose of sleeping tabs I was on. The endosocopy nurse was fab, every time I groaned (rather loudly), she stopped and tried again. She managed to get up round the first corner , but could not get round into the sigmoid due to persistent sigmoid looping, each time she tried, was absolute agony, and I am not joking, I thought the scope was going to burst out of my abdomen above my belly button, no joke!!! I finally shouted out, I need some analgesia. She agreed and gave me 25mg pethidine, which did make me a wee bit woozy, but not hugely so. Anyway, she said she would try once more, and if she couldnt get round, she was going to stop as she was unwilling to put me through any more (I do have quite a high pain threshold), but the tears were out of my eyes by this point!!! Anyway, she did manage, and the good news is my bowel is entirely normal, not even inflamed, which is really good, but still no reason why my bowels as bad as they have been.
I dont know if I have to see the docs again, she will send report to them , and they will write to me. Guess I may have to try a bulking agent.
So, thats that done. I have CT scan next Friday, with the results the following Tuesday, couple of days before London. I will be very surprised if the cancer has not grown again, happily surprised, but surprised nonetheless. I suppose , if it has, it is not going to change things hugely, I will just be back on treatment, which I know has to happen one day, its just a question of when.
Suzie has been brilliant during all this, worried, but brilliant, surprising me with 2 bunches of flowers :)
Will update after CT
F
xx
I got this done due to my worsening bowels, with some old and fresh blood. I knew it would be uncomfortable, but.......... even the prep the day before was bad, my poor wee (or not so wee) bottom was soooooo sore. Had to go in for 245, and they were running about an hour late. The unit was lovely (endoscopy), and the staff were lovely too. The procedure was explained, and I would be having sedation, although they liked to keep the sedation light. Was taken into room for the procedure, everything explained again, and given 5mg midazolam, told I will feel woozy. WELL the Midaz did absolultely nothing for me, probably due to the dose of sleeping tabs I was on. The endosocopy nurse was fab, every time I groaned (rather loudly), she stopped and tried again. She managed to get up round the first corner , but could not get round into the sigmoid due to persistent sigmoid looping, each time she tried, was absolute agony, and I am not joking, I thought the scope was going to burst out of my abdomen above my belly button, no joke!!! I finally shouted out, I need some analgesia. She agreed and gave me 25mg pethidine, which did make me a wee bit woozy, but not hugely so. Anyway, she said she would try once more, and if she couldnt get round, she was going to stop as she was unwilling to put me through any more (I do have quite a high pain threshold), but the tears were out of my eyes by this point!!! Anyway, she did manage, and the good news is my bowel is entirely normal, not even inflamed, which is really good, but still no reason why my bowels as bad as they have been.
I dont know if I have to see the docs again, she will send report to them , and they will write to me. Guess I may have to try a bulking agent.
So, thats that done. I have CT scan next Friday, with the results the following Tuesday, couple of days before London. I will be very surprised if the cancer has not grown again, happily surprised, but surprised nonetheless. I suppose , if it has, it is not going to change things hugely, I will just be back on treatment, which I know has to happen one day, its just a question of when.
Suzie has been brilliant during all this, worried, but brilliant, surprising me with 2 bunches of flowers :)
Will update after CT
F
xx
Saturday, 8 October 2011
The Joys!!!!
Well I had a phonecall the day before yesterday, and the endoscopy suite has had a cancellation for next Thursday (13th), so would I like to come in for colonoscopy!!! would I like it ......... NO, but I know I have to get this done to find out what is going on. Apparently some people get it done WITHOUT sedation - I will not be one of this I can tell ya. They will be able to tell me what they see that day, but will also be taking biopsies so will have to wait couple of weeks for that results.
The week after that on the Friday 21st, I have my CT Scan, 1st one in a year, then have appointment at clinic the Tuesday after for results - just hope they are through for then!
So will have everything done and dusted, with most answers before we go to see the brill George Michael. Whatever they tell me, I am going to enjoy this trip, and if I have to have more treatment, it will wait till after that. So the thought of the George Michael gig is going to get me through all this, will focus on the gig as the end result!! (Easy said in my head).
Sitting with dye on my hair at the mo, watching the time.
Off to Edinburgh tomoz to meet 6 of my bc pals, go down in the morning, have lunch and cocktails, and back in the evening. It will probably knacker me, but I have had a quiet weekend , and will have a quiet day Monday so it should be fine.
Will update with results.
The joys of living with this disease, every symptom, we assume is going to be the cancer - maybe I will be pleasantly surprised.............watch this space
F
xx
The week after that on the Friday 21st, I have my CT Scan, 1st one in a year, then have appointment at clinic the Tuesday after for results - just hope they are through for then!
So will have everything done and dusted, with most answers before we go to see the brill George Michael. Whatever they tell me, I am going to enjoy this trip, and if I have to have more treatment, it will wait till after that. So the thought of the George Michael gig is going to get me through all this, will focus on the gig as the end result!! (Easy said in my head).
Sitting with dye on my hair at the mo, watching the time.
Off to Edinburgh tomoz to meet 6 of my bc pals, go down in the morning, have lunch and cocktails, and back in the evening. It will probably knacker me, but I have had a quiet weekend , and will have a quiet day Monday so it should be fine.
Will update with results.
The joys of living with this disease, every symptom, we assume is going to be the cancer - maybe I will be pleasantly surprised.............watch this space
F
xx
Thursday, 29 September 2011
Update
Well
Just thought it was about time I updated a bit.
Really have not felt the best, continuous gradual deterioration in physical health, feeling sick, very little appetite, bowels, weakness, lethargy, bit of weight loss.
Saw oncs on Tuesday. They did not seem that unduly concerned, but have said they wanted to do CT scan. She said i 'looked well', which to be honest, when I am saying to folks I am feeling really shitty, they are all saying but you look well. Just want to scream out "but I did not look unwell when mets where first diagnosed".
Yes I am worried the cancer has started growing again, and even spread, so any bad news will not be unexpected , I may be wrong, but I really do feel worse by the day!!
Waiting for a day for CT scan, and have gastroenterology next week for bowels - nae looking forward to that one.
I have not told many folks how bad I am feeling, just putting on a face. Mentally, whatever is coming, I am ready for it, it its bad news I will not be shocked.
On the plus side, enjoying doing stuff for school reunioin, its coming along nicely. The old school folks have been very generous with their donations, so raising even more money for Aberdeen Breast Cancer Research Study.
update again soon
xxxx
Just thought it was about time I updated a bit.
Really have not felt the best, continuous gradual deterioration in physical health, feeling sick, very little appetite, bowels, weakness, lethargy, bit of weight loss.
Saw oncs on Tuesday. They did not seem that unduly concerned, but have said they wanted to do CT scan. She said i 'looked well', which to be honest, when I am saying to folks I am feeling really shitty, they are all saying but you look well. Just want to scream out "but I did not look unwell when mets where first diagnosed".
Yes I am worried the cancer has started growing again, and even spread, so any bad news will not be unexpected , I may be wrong, but I really do feel worse by the day!!
Waiting for a day for CT scan, and have gastroenterology next week for bowels - nae looking forward to that one.
I have not told many folks how bad I am feeling, just putting on a face. Mentally, whatever is coming, I am ready for it, it its bad news I will not be shocked.
On the plus side, enjoying doing stuff for school reunioin, its coming along nicely. The old school folks have been very generous with their donations, so raising even more money for Aberdeen Breast Cancer Research Study.
update again soon
xxxx
Sunday, 18 September 2011
Me again
Well who else would it be????
Have been feeling a bit shit physically. Tired and just generally yeuch, little appetite! This however is not teamed up with weight loss!! After speaking to Clare, I looked more into side effects of lanzoprazole , and a lot of what I suffer is listed in rare side effects. I have prob been on this drug for few years to protect my gut through chemo and drugs, but stopped it due to major bowel issues. Since stopping it, bowels have been better, BUT bloody hell , have suffered from severe heartburn , what is one to do??? Will have to speak to gp or wait till GE appointment beginning of next week..... Life with this disease is not easy :(
Anyway, enough about that, the school reunion plans are going really well. We have around 60 confirmed, with very generous donations to Aberdeen Breast Cancer Unit. I am making up a PowerPoint presentation of school photos , and so far have about 50!!! Really looking forward to that!!! It's shaping up to be a good night..... More from that later.
Have compassion group tomoz and reflexology at CLAN tomoz so that should be good.
Didn't go to pub last night as just felt yeuch :(
Laters
F
Xxxx
Have been feeling a bit shit physically. Tired and just generally yeuch, little appetite! This however is not teamed up with weight loss!! After speaking to Clare, I looked more into side effects of lanzoprazole , and a lot of what I suffer is listed in rare side effects. I have prob been on this drug for few years to protect my gut through chemo and drugs, but stopped it due to major bowel issues. Since stopping it, bowels have been better, BUT bloody hell , have suffered from severe heartburn , what is one to do??? Will have to speak to gp or wait till GE appointment beginning of next week..... Life with this disease is not easy :(
Anyway, enough about that, the school reunion plans are going really well. We have around 60 confirmed, with very generous donations to Aberdeen Breast Cancer Unit. I am making up a PowerPoint presentation of school photos , and so far have about 50!!! Really looking forward to that!!! It's shaping up to be a good night..... More from that later.
Have compassion group tomoz and reflexology at CLAN tomoz so that should be good.
Didn't go to pub last night as just felt yeuch :(
Laters
F
Xxxx
Tuesday, 13 September 2011
Back home
Well, late last night I got back from my weekend in Reading to see Clare.
Clare is a lovely woman, mets dx as I have, but in my eyes she is worse off than me.
We clicked immediately (well I did), had a meal on Friday night and yapped all night. On Saturday,,we had our spa day at Nirvana Spa. When we arrived , we chilled in our robes by pool. I then had a lovely hot stone massage. After that we had a lovely lunch with a cheeky pims :). We then went to the quiet room which consisted of 35 tiled, moulded, heated stone beds and chilled there for however long, was very relaxing apart from Clares gentle snoring. Lol. We then went into HUGE hydrotherapy pool, which let me tell u, if u stood on bits u shouldnt stand on, water went where water should not!!!!! We then had a flotation treatment, 15 min intro, then 40 mins of floating in pool like dead sea , no energy required, total relaxation, altho felt sick if I closed eyes . Then had a sparkling Rose, part of day, then the lovely Jon picked us up and took me back to hotel, where I got room service and chilled.
On Sunday, I went to Clares, met Jon and Jack properly, and had lovely roast beef dinner, it was fab :) spent rest of evening chilling on own then came home Monday.
So glad I went down to meet Clare, love her to bits, she is very much like me.
Will write more tomoz about school reunion
Love to all
Xxxxx
Clare is a lovely woman, mets dx as I have, but in my eyes she is worse off than me.
We clicked immediately (well I did), had a meal on Friday night and yapped all night. On Saturday,,we had our spa day at Nirvana Spa. When we arrived , we chilled in our robes by pool. I then had a lovely hot stone massage. After that we had a lovely lunch with a cheeky pims :). We then went to the quiet room which consisted of 35 tiled, moulded, heated stone beds and chilled there for however long, was very relaxing apart from Clares gentle snoring. Lol. We then went into HUGE hydrotherapy pool, which let me tell u, if u stood on bits u shouldnt stand on, water went where water should not!!!!! We then had a flotation treatment, 15 min intro, then 40 mins of floating in pool like dead sea , no energy required, total relaxation, altho felt sick if I closed eyes . Then had a sparkling Rose, part of day, then the lovely Jon picked us up and took me back to hotel, where I got room service and chilled.
On Sunday, I went to Clares, met Jon and Jack properly, and had lovely roast beef dinner, it was fab :) spent rest of evening chilling on own then came home Monday.
So glad I went down to meet Clare, love her to bits, she is very much like me.
Will write more tomoz about school reunion
Love to all
Xxxxx
Friday, 9 September 2011
It's been a while
Thought it was about time I updated this, and what better time when on a train journey. Have already watched 3 movies and won't have time for another, so here I am.
So where am I off to now? On train to Kings Cross then to Reading to meet a very special 'friend' called Clare. We have talked and got on so well for so long so I have bitten the bullet and going down to meet her in person for the weekend. We are Having a bar meal tonight to get to know each other then tomoz we are having a spa day at a posh spa called nirvana, it looks bliss. I am having a hot stone massage then we are both having a flotation treatment, lunch is included. At night I will just go to my hotel and chill out. On Sunday, I am going to Clares to have a lovely roast (at least I hope it will be lovely lol). Then it will be home Monday :(
Health wise I have had a few niggles lately. Tiredness, increasingly breathless with some chest pain when walking even on the flat, and bowel issues for which i have been referred to Gastro - nae looking forward to that one!!!!!
I got a stay in a hotel donated for my fundraising, and managed to sell 2 raffle books for it, so raised another £200 for Aberdeen Breast Cancer Reserch, well happy.
I was being a wee bit hermit like for the past few weeks, not wanting to go out etc, just like end of last year but trying to push through it!!
I met up with 2 school friends, who I have not seen since last reunion about 13 years ago, and from meeting them 4 days ago, we have organised another school reunion. Looks like we have a lot of interest, it will be much bigger than our last 'very mini' one a few months ago. We are going to sell tickets and proceeds will go to Aberdeen Breast Cancer Research.
Suzie doing fine, now in second year of college, and now has dads car as he has stopped driving, think he has just had enough.
Have oncology end of this month so gonna push for CT scan to put my mind at rest, think a year between scans is enough!!!!
Will try to post more often.........away to drink my free wine lol
Love to all xxx
So where am I off to now? On train to Kings Cross then to Reading to meet a very special 'friend' called Clare. We have talked and got on so well for so long so I have bitten the bullet and going down to meet her in person for the weekend. We are Having a bar meal tonight to get to know each other then tomoz we are having a spa day at a posh spa called nirvana, it looks bliss. I am having a hot stone massage then we are both having a flotation treatment, lunch is included. At night I will just go to my hotel and chill out. On Sunday, I am going to Clares to have a lovely roast (at least I hope it will be lovely lol). Then it will be home Monday :(
Health wise I have had a few niggles lately. Tiredness, increasingly breathless with some chest pain when walking even on the flat, and bowel issues for which i have been referred to Gastro - nae looking forward to that one!!!!!
I got a stay in a hotel donated for my fundraising, and managed to sell 2 raffle books for it, so raised another £200 for Aberdeen Breast Cancer Reserch, well happy.
I was being a wee bit hermit like for the past few weeks, not wanting to go out etc, just like end of last year but trying to push through it!!
I met up with 2 school friends, who I have not seen since last reunion about 13 years ago, and from meeting them 4 days ago, we have organised another school reunion. Looks like we have a lot of interest, it will be much bigger than our last 'very mini' one a few months ago. We are going to sell tickets and proceeds will go to Aberdeen Breast Cancer Research.
Suzie doing fine, now in second year of college, and now has dads car as he has stopped driving, think he has just had enough.
Have oncology end of this month so gonna push for CT scan to put my mind at rest, think a year between scans is enough!!!!
Will try to post more often.........away to drink my free wine lol
Love to all xxx
Monday, 4 July 2011
McNastys charity day
Well my lovely new pub McNastys, did a whole fundraising day for my charity - Aberdeen Breast Cancer Research Unit. We had 5 guys got various parts of themselves waxed - big ouch in some cases, and Auntie M, got her head dyed pink then shaved to a number 2!!!!!!!!! The Evening Express photographer came to take piccies. They laid on food, and there were 4 comedians and a couple of singers. The fun and frolics officially started at 2pm, but quite a few of us met for breakfast and drink at 1130. Finally got home at nearly 3am!!!
I can honestly say, it was a fantastic day. I was very humbled that all these folks would do this , essentially for me, what a brilliant bunch of new friends I have there. We raised over £4600 including the waxing, donations, sponsorship and raffle. We had a great turn out of people, and just a super fun day. We honestly just laughed and smiled the whole day.
Huge big thank you to everyone who took part, contributed, and came and supported the event. Another fantastic memory for me. You are all brilliant. Sure there will be a few sare heids today - lol
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I can honestly say, it was a fantastic day. I was very humbled that all these folks would do this , essentially for me, what a brilliant bunch of new friends I have there. We raised over £4600 including the waxing, donations, sponsorship and raffle. We had a great turn out of people, and just a super fun day. We honestly just laughed and smiled the whole day.
Huge big thank you to everyone who took part, contributed, and came and supported the event. Another fantastic memory for me. You are all brilliant. Sure there will be a few sare heids today - lol
Paris June 2011
Suzie wanted to go to Paris for her 18th, for the photo opportunities. We were there for 4 nights.
Paris far far exceeded my expectations. It is a beautiful city - absolutely stunning buildings, so so green, and we just had an ace time. It was very hot the first few days in mid to late 30 degrees - so we were grabbing shade when we could - not easy when your touring about.
On our first night, we walked to the Eiffel Tower then had dinner.
On our first full day, I had booked a two hour mini bus tour which took us to all the big sites, then we had lunch in the Eiffel Tower, followed by an hours trip down the Seine.
The next day we caught the metro and went to Sacre Couer and Montmartre. Sacre Couer was absolutely stunning, and strolling then sitting round the main square in Montmartre watching the artists at work whilst having a cheeky glass of wine was just lovely. We stayed there for an early dinner.
On our last day we went to Disneyland , and with the help of a 'special' pass, we got on all the rides practically straight away. Suzie chickened out of a couple of the big rides, and I had to grab a random and ask if he wanted to come on the ride with me as I needed an 'escort' with having my special pass. Talk about a couple of adrenaline rushes!!
So that was Paris in a nutshell. Would not have chosen to go there myself, but so glad Suzie did. As I said beautiful city and great to spend that time with Suzie.
Took a couple of days to recover when I came home though, but well worth the effort.
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Paris far far exceeded my expectations. It is a beautiful city - absolutely stunning buildings, so so green, and we just had an ace time. It was very hot the first few days in mid to late 30 degrees - so we were grabbing shade when we could - not easy when your touring about.
On our first night, we walked to the Eiffel Tower then had dinner.
On our first full day, I had booked a two hour mini bus tour which took us to all the big sites, then we had lunch in the Eiffel Tower, followed by an hours trip down the Seine.
The next day we caught the metro and went to Sacre Couer and Montmartre. Sacre Couer was absolutely stunning, and strolling then sitting round the main square in Montmartre watching the artists at work whilst having a cheeky glass of wine was just lovely. We stayed there for an early dinner.
On our last day we went to Disneyland , and with the help of a 'special' pass, we got on all the rides practically straight away. Suzie chickened out of a couple of the big rides, and I had to grab a random and ask if he wanted to come on the ride with me as I needed an 'escort' with having my special pass. Talk about a couple of adrenaline rushes!!
So that was Paris in a nutshell. Would not have chosen to go there myself, but so glad Suzie did. As I said beautiful city and great to spend that time with Suzie.
Took a couple of days to recover when I came home though, but well worth the effort.
Tuesday, 21 June 2011
SOOOOOOOOOOOOO HAPPY
Suzie has been home from her dads, opened her pressies, which she loved, and is now away to pub. Now waiting for dad to come and get me to take me to pub to 'set it up', before she, and others arrive about 7.
I think and believe, I am actually more excited about today than Suzie is. Dont think she truly understands what it means to me to still be here and celebrate this day with her, and still be so well too.
I am going to be cracking open the champagne tonight, even tho Suzie does not like it. It has got to be celebrated.
This is one landmark, that I am very very happy to still be here for. Not looking for the next one, just gonna enjoy the here and now, its the only way to live.
Love and happiness to anyone who may read this - FEEL THE LOVE XXXXXXXXXX
Monday, 20 June 2011
The eve of Suzies 18th
Well today is the eve of Suzie's 18th birthday, and how happy am I?? Words cannot express.
Did I think, 2 years ago I would be alive to see this - absolutely not.
Tomorrow, I am going to have to take her '18th birthday present box' , out of her memory box, and hand it to her, and I am going to be so so happy to do it. I opened the box last week, and shredded the letter that was in the box. No need for a letter, cos I am here to say everything I want to say.
Tomorrow is going to be a extra special happy day, and I cant wait.
I love you loads Suzie, and am going to be the happiest person alive tomorrow.
xxxxxxxxx
Did I think, 2 years ago I would be alive to see this - absolutely not.
Tomorrow, I am going to have to take her '18th birthday present box' , out of her memory box, and hand it to her, and I am going to be so so happy to do it. I opened the box last week, and shredded the letter that was in the box. No need for a letter, cos I am here to say everything I want to say.
Tomorrow is going to be a extra special happy day, and I cant wait.
I love you loads Suzie, and am going to be the happiest person alive tomorrow.
xxxxxxxxx
Sunday, 12 June 2011
School Reunion
Well.......................had school reunion last night. Met F and P outside Monkey House and the 3 of us went inside. So much for a reunion, 2 blokes turned up - the 3 of us couldn't remember them :), they left after an hour, and there was just F, P and I left. Even the guy that organised it didn't turn up - very poor show, BUT, the 3 of us had an absolute blast. Have not seen F or P since last reunion when we were 30, and I don't even remember them being there. It was like we have been friends all these years, never stopped yapping and laughing the whole night. Lots of alcohol, lots of laughs, and another great memory :)
Thanks girls, and we are definitely going to make it a monthly thing.
Pic of the 3 of us below
xxxxxxxxxx
xxxxxx
Thanks girls, and we are definitely going to make it a monthly thing.
Pic of the 3 of us below
xxxxxxxxxx
Friday, 10 June 2011
Feel Like a New Woman
Posting today to say I feel soooooooooooo much better.
Was thinking yesterday why I felt so shitty, when ALL my bloods came back fine - the endless runs, nausea, and worsening headaches. I was given Acupan for pain relief for my back maybe 6 weeks ago from GP. This was to take along with paracetemol instead of non steroidals like ibuprofen and diclofenac, as not REALLY meant to take non steroidals with my heart pill. Had read the side effects of Acupan when I got the drug, but never thought any more about it, or absorbed the info (obviously). Thinking on what had changed, decided to re- read leaflet, and amongst possible side effects was diarrhoea, nausea/vomiting, and yes headaches. My headaches were getting worse, so I was taking more of them, hence felt more nauseous and worse headaches.
After reading leaflet yesterday lunchtime (I had taken last tabs first thing yesterday), I decided to stop these pronto and see if it made a difference. As day went on yesterday felt bit better, but still went to bed with headache, woke up today with very mild headache, no nausea, and energy, and felt hungry!!!
So I am ready to rock and roll, and will never take them again.
Have We Will Rock You in theatre tonight, out for tea before, and tomorrow night I have school reunion, which at beginning of week, was doubting I was going to attend, even tho I have been soooooooooo looking forward to it.
Its a lovely day today, and I feel re-energised (altho still tired), but all in all, much better, and not so worried as I was.
Bring it on :):):)
xxxxxxxxx
Was thinking yesterday why I felt so shitty, when ALL my bloods came back fine - the endless runs, nausea, and worsening headaches. I was given Acupan for pain relief for my back maybe 6 weeks ago from GP. This was to take along with paracetemol instead of non steroidals like ibuprofen and diclofenac, as not REALLY meant to take non steroidals with my heart pill. Had read the side effects of Acupan when I got the drug, but never thought any more about it, or absorbed the info (obviously). Thinking on what had changed, decided to re- read leaflet, and amongst possible side effects was diarrhoea, nausea/vomiting, and yes headaches. My headaches were getting worse, so I was taking more of them, hence felt more nauseous and worse headaches.
After reading leaflet yesterday lunchtime (I had taken last tabs first thing yesterday), I decided to stop these pronto and see if it made a difference. As day went on yesterday felt bit better, but still went to bed with headache, woke up today with very mild headache, no nausea, and energy, and felt hungry!!!
So I am ready to rock and roll, and will never take them again.
Have We Will Rock You in theatre tonight, out for tea before, and tomorrow night I have school reunion, which at beginning of week, was doubting I was going to attend, even tho I have been soooooooooo looking forward to it.
Its a lovely day today, and I feel re-energised (altho still tired), but all in all, much better, and not so worried as I was.
Bring it on :):):)
xxxxxxxxx
Monday, 6 June 2011
Feeling bit shitty really
Had one of my best mates girlie weekend away for her 40th just outside Aberdeen, so not far away. I had been feeling dodgy last few weeks anyway, with lots of little niggles, but so far nothing showing up on bloods or anything.
Managed to have a good time when away, altho very tiring, and I came back yesterday, a day early, as just couldn't cope with any longer - very tired etc. My nausea is increasing, and I just feel yuck.
The nurse forgot to do clotting last week so got phone call to go and get more bloods done tomorrow. Still waiting for coeliac disease blood test to come back.
I just hate feeling tired and sick all the time. I have We Will Rock You this Friday and school reunion on Saturday, and so so hoping to be able to do both.
Anyway, enough moaning for now.
I have posted a couple of pics of the weekend - 1 of the view from our lodge decking - which was absolutely stunning , and one of me in the hot tub - which was blood lovely.
TTFN
Managed to have a good time when away, altho very tiring, and I came back yesterday, a day early, as just couldn't cope with any longer - very tired etc. My nausea is increasing, and I just feel yuck.
The nurse forgot to do clotting last week so got phone call to go and get more bloods done tomorrow. Still waiting for coeliac disease blood test to come back.
I just hate feeling tired and sick all the time. I have We Will Rock You this Friday and school reunion on Saturday, and so so hoping to be able to do both.
Anyway, enough moaning for now.
I have posted a couple of pics of the weekend - 1 of the view from our lodge decking - which was absolutely stunning , and one of me in the hot tub - which was blood lovely.
TTFN
Wednesday, 1 June 2011
Bloods and Friends
Got phonecall from D today - all my bloods so far (only 1 more to get back) are fine, so no explanation to all my niggles etc.
I heard last night that one of my online friends, who I have never met, but do consider a friend, has been dx with spread to the brain. We have had conversations about this, and that would be my worst nightmare. I am angry for her, and angry at this horrible disease. She has a hubby and a 4 year old child, and is about my age. Horrible, bastard indiscriminate disease - HATE IT. I dont think why very often, but WHY all the good people in this world. Its just so unfair.
Also waiting for my other friend S to get results of her scans, and she has to probably restart chemo. Its just so shit and unfair.
Should be happy about my bloods, but just thinking of my friends
xxxxxxxxx
I heard last night that one of my online friends, who I have never met, but do consider a friend, has been dx with spread to the brain. We have had conversations about this, and that would be my worst nightmare. I am angry for her, and angry at this horrible disease. She has a hubby and a 4 year old child, and is about my age. Horrible, bastard indiscriminate disease - HATE IT. I dont think why very often, but WHY all the good people in this world. Its just so unfair.
Also waiting for my other friend S to get results of her scans, and she has to probably restart chemo. Its just so shit and unfair.
Should be happy about my bloods, but just thinking of my friends
xxxxxxxxx
Monday, 30 May 2011
Feel like a vampire victim!!
Went to GP today with range of symptoms - all minor, but were all bugging me as to why - bruising easily (not like me-and no was not pissed), constant mouth ulcers, weird spots, rash, twitching eye!!!!, and weird bowels!! Oh and tiredness again.
She has taken bloods for the usual full blood count, kidneys, also for clotting, vitamin b12, thyroid, bowel thing (name of which escapes me right now), and a couple of other things which escape me too. She is suspecting thyroid with symptoms, but will see what shows up, if anything?? Will prob mail chemo nurse in couple of days for results as will get them quicker that way otherwise it will be next Monday or Wed as that is all GP works!
Not been up to that much really - odd night in McNastys, have S's birthday weekend this weekend, We WIll Rock You the following Friday, and school reunion on the Saturday (really looking forward to that), then it wont be long till Suzies 18th then Paris then fundraiser in McNastys.
Lots coming up to look forward to, so have to try to preserve as much energy as possible in between.
Will update once bloods back
TTFN
xx
She has taken bloods for the usual full blood count, kidneys, also for clotting, vitamin b12, thyroid, bowel thing (name of which escapes me right now), and a couple of other things which escape me too. She is suspecting thyroid with symptoms, but will see what shows up, if anything?? Will prob mail chemo nurse in couple of days for results as will get them quicker that way otherwise it will be next Monday or Wed as that is all GP works!
Not been up to that much really - odd night in McNastys, have S's birthday weekend this weekend, We WIll Rock You the following Friday, and school reunion on the Saturday (really looking forward to that), then it wont be long till Suzies 18th then Paris then fundraiser in McNastys.
Lots coming up to look forward to, so have to try to preserve as much energy as possible in between.
Will update once bloods back
TTFN
xx
Friday, 13 May 2011
I'm going to see George Michael!!!!!!!!!!!
Well, I read about George Michael's symphony tour yesterday, registered on the site for pre sale tickets, which went on sale today, and I got my first choice. So, Suzie and I are going to see him in October at THE ROYAL ALBERT HALL. To say I am excited is an understatement. I have wanted to see him for many many years, but I suppose just couldn't afford it before, and never thought he would tour again, so I just had to get tickets. Because he is touring with a large orchestra too, its going to be even more special. And this is definitely an important TICK off my bucket list (I have a mental one).
So hotel is booked, we are going to stay for 3 nights, and Suzie is looking forward to it too.
Wow , wow, wow, something else to look forward to - and this is something big. I wooped and screamed for about a 1/2 hour.
I am soooooooooooooo happy
Bye for noo
xxxx
So hotel is booked, we are going to stay for 3 nights, and Suzie is looking forward to it too.
Wow , wow, wow, something else to look forward to - and this is something big. I wooped and screamed for about a 1/2 hour.
I am soooooooooooooo happy
Bye for noo
xxxx
Friday, 6 May 2011
I'M STILL HERE NO 2 PARTY FUNDRAISER
Well.............. so much to say.
Had the Asda bag pack on Saturday 23rd. It was successful in that everyone enjoyed it, but the numbers had dwindled by the day, and there were only 6 of us from 1-3, and 5 from 3-5. We made £446, which obviously is better than nothing, but had hoped for more.
Anyway, went to McNasties after with L, for G's birthday. We got there at 1730, at closing time went to G's house, and got home at 0730!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Geeeeeez, I really am old enough to know better - Sunday was just a lost day of much fuzziness, but had a great night.
Roll on a week to fundraising party on 30th. I had an absolute ball - such a brilliant night, I just smiled and laughed all night. Everything went smoothly as expected, and managed to raise loads of money. Between the bag pack, fab donations from friends on justgiving page, and the party night, my total now stands at £5304.16, which is an absolute fantastic total, which surpassed my expectations. I cannot thank everyone individually, but just thank you to everyone who donated, helped before the night , and on the night. I think everyone enjoyed it, and already everyones talking about No 3 - I am going to wait till the end of the year and see how I am!!
I really do feel so so lucky still to be here, and still so well, its just brilliant, and I treasure every day.
Back still playing up, but think its settling a bit, depending on what I am up to. I have bought an acupressure mat, have used it for the past 3 days running, and it has certainly improved my sleeping - so much so, that I have reduced my Lorazepam by 1mg which is fab :) Gonna make sure I use it daily, and just see if I get any more benefits.
Quiet weekend in store this weekend, unless I succumb and go to McNasties tomorrow night :) - do ya think I might - lol??????????? Life's to short to sit in on my own surely???
Bye for the noooooooooooooooooo
xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
Had the Asda bag pack on Saturday 23rd. It was successful in that everyone enjoyed it, but the numbers had dwindled by the day, and there were only 6 of us from 1-3, and 5 from 3-5. We made £446, which obviously is better than nothing, but had hoped for more.
Anyway, went to McNasties after with L, for G's birthday. We got there at 1730, at closing time went to G's house, and got home at 0730!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Geeeeeez, I really am old enough to know better - Sunday was just a lost day of much fuzziness, but had a great night.
Roll on a week to fundraising party on 30th. I had an absolute ball - such a brilliant night, I just smiled and laughed all night. Everything went smoothly as expected, and managed to raise loads of money. Between the bag pack, fab donations from friends on justgiving page, and the party night, my total now stands at £5304.16, which is an absolute fantastic total, which surpassed my expectations. I cannot thank everyone individually, but just thank you to everyone who donated, helped before the night , and on the night. I think everyone enjoyed it, and already everyones talking about No 3 - I am going to wait till the end of the year and see how I am!!
I really do feel so so lucky still to be here, and still so well, its just brilliant, and I treasure every day.
Back still playing up, but think its settling a bit, depending on what I am up to. I have bought an acupressure mat, have used it for the past 3 days running, and it has certainly improved my sleeping - so much so, that I have reduced my Lorazepam by 1mg which is fab :) Gonna make sure I use it daily, and just see if I get any more benefits.
Quiet weekend in store this weekend, unless I succumb and go to McNasties tomorrow night :) - do ya think I might - lol??????????? Life's to short to sit in on my own surely???
Bye for the noooooooooooooooooo
xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
Friday, 22 April 2011
Up and up :)
Me again - I know who else would it be :)
Main news is I had oncology appointment today. After much waiting!!!!!!!!!!!, chatting, poking, and prodding, oncologist turned round and said I was the healthiest person she had seen today - of course my mind immediately thought - nae bad for a dyin person - tee hee. She is seeing me again before Paris just to make sure I am fine, but she, and me are well happy.
About Paris, I have now booked hotel, which looks onto Eiffel Tower.
Went to meet in Leeds last week, boy it took so much out of me, much more than I thought. I guess because everything is so stable, I expect more from my body than it allows. Just have to remind myself sometimes that I cannot do anything like I used to do, but I suppose if I dont try I wont know?
As a result of Leeds being so tiring, I am going to cancel my trip to the Holy Isle, as it is so much hassle to get there. Really wanted to go, but dont think the after effects will make it worthwhile.
SUZIE PASSED HER DRIVING TEST. I am so so proud of her. She really was not confident, but she did it, and altho she still does not like driving, she is loving the freedom!
Still out loads with friends. My new local has become McNasties bar in town with G - great place with friendly folks.
Have Asda bag pack tomoz, not looking forward to it from standing/back point of view, but pub will make it better after :)
My back is still pretty sore - going to GP next week to review meds, and have ordered lumbar support cushions online, so hopefully they will help.
So, all in all pretty good. Mind is still happy so thats excellent without happy pills. Weather been pretty good and sunny so have had lots of walks, just me and my ipod much of the time, and that makes me happy. The most natural anti-depressant there is.
Ta ta for now
xxxxxxxxxx
Main news is I had oncology appointment today. After much waiting!!!!!!!!!!!, chatting, poking, and prodding, oncologist turned round and said I was the healthiest person she had seen today - of course my mind immediately thought - nae bad for a dyin person - tee hee. She is seeing me again before Paris just to make sure I am fine, but she, and me are well happy.
About Paris, I have now booked hotel, which looks onto Eiffel Tower.
Went to meet in Leeds last week, boy it took so much out of me, much more than I thought. I guess because everything is so stable, I expect more from my body than it allows. Just have to remind myself sometimes that I cannot do anything like I used to do, but I suppose if I dont try I wont know?
As a result of Leeds being so tiring, I am going to cancel my trip to the Holy Isle, as it is so much hassle to get there. Really wanted to go, but dont think the after effects will make it worthwhile.
SUZIE PASSED HER DRIVING TEST. I am so so proud of her. She really was not confident, but she did it, and altho she still does not like driving, she is loving the freedom!
Still out loads with friends. My new local has become McNasties bar in town with G - great place with friendly folks.
Have Asda bag pack tomoz, not looking forward to it from standing/back point of view, but pub will make it better after :)
My back is still pretty sore - going to GP next week to review meds, and have ordered lumbar support cushions online, so hopefully they will help.
So, all in all pretty good. Mind is still happy so thats excellent without happy pills. Weather been pretty good and sunny so have had lots of walks, just me and my ipod much of the time, and that makes me happy. The most natural anti-depressant there is.
Ta ta for now
xxxxxxxxxx
Tuesday, 5 April 2011
Still feeling pretty darned good
Hi there
Again its been a wee while since I posted, I must make more of an effort to post more regularly.
Whats been happening?
Loads of lunches, meets with friends etc.
Fundraising plans coming along nicely, and also have a bag pack at Asda, so that should make quite a bit.
I have had a lot of back pain since December. Got an x ray, and although I was a bit worried, I was not worked up about results, just thought what will be will be. It turns out I have sacralisation of L5 - which is a congenital thing (go google it), so basically will just have to put up with pain.
I have started back at gym and out walking, altho both make back sore, I have got to lose some weight - the way I see it , its a double edged sword - the heavier I am, the worse I think my back will be!!
I have quite a lot of stuff coming up next few months, which always makes me feel good. But on the whole, I feel very good anyway, still very happy and positive.
Next week I am going to Leeds for an overnight stay to meet up with about 17 other cyber friends from bc pals. Just booked that today, so looking forward to that. The day after I get back from there, I go to Inverness with Jan for spa night. Then it will be the bag pack, then the fundraiser.
In May, I have booked for a 'mindfulness retreat' on the Holy Isle. I wont know another soul there, but have got so much out of my mindfulness, I thought what the hell - throw caution to the wind , so that's a 4 day thing.
In June, Suzie and I are off to Paris for 4 nights for Suzie's 18th. She is doing great, and is still loving her photography course at college. We have been out driving lots as she has her driving test next week - good luck Suzie!! Her driving has come on in leaps and bounds.
I have joined 'groupon', so have had a spa treatment about once a week/fortnight, for the last month or so, so that's been fab too.
Dad had a trip and smashed his face last week, that was a bit traumatic, but he has made a good recovery - bit scary tho!!
Think that's about it for now. As I said, its all pretty good, long may it continue.
Thank you for reading - if there are still any out there.
Love
xxxx
Oh - took Suzie to Dunnottar Castle today for her to get pics, I had forgotten how beautiful it is so have attached one or 2 pics.
Again its been a wee while since I posted, I must make more of an effort to post more regularly.
Whats been happening?
Loads of lunches, meets with friends etc.
Fundraising plans coming along nicely, and also have a bag pack at Asda, so that should make quite a bit.
I have had a lot of back pain since December. Got an x ray, and although I was a bit worried, I was not worked up about results, just thought what will be will be. It turns out I have sacralisation of L5 - which is a congenital thing (go google it), so basically will just have to put up with pain.
I have started back at gym and out walking, altho both make back sore, I have got to lose some weight - the way I see it , its a double edged sword - the heavier I am, the worse I think my back will be!!
I have quite a lot of stuff coming up next few months, which always makes me feel good. But on the whole, I feel very good anyway, still very happy and positive.
Next week I am going to Leeds for an overnight stay to meet up with about 17 other cyber friends from bc pals. Just booked that today, so looking forward to that. The day after I get back from there, I go to Inverness with Jan for spa night. Then it will be the bag pack, then the fundraiser.
In May, I have booked for a 'mindfulness retreat' on the Holy Isle. I wont know another soul there, but have got so much out of my mindfulness, I thought what the hell - throw caution to the wind , so that's a 4 day thing.
In June, Suzie and I are off to Paris for 4 nights for Suzie's 18th. She is doing great, and is still loving her photography course at college. We have been out driving lots as she has her driving test next week - good luck Suzie!! Her driving has come on in leaps and bounds.
I have joined 'groupon', so have had a spa treatment about once a week/fortnight, for the last month or so, so that's been fab too.
Dad had a trip and smashed his face last week, that was a bit traumatic, but he has made a good recovery - bit scary tho!!
Think that's about it for now. As I said, its all pretty good, long may it continue.
Thank you for reading - if there are still any out there.
Love
xxxx
Saturday, 19 February 2011
Fundraising
I was organising through paperwork and stuff this afternoon and wandered how much money I (and my friends family), have raised since I got cancer.
I totalled it up and it comes to just over £9,600. I am very proud of that. And of course with my birthday fundraiser in April, we will definitely hit over 10 grand.
Apart from £2000 which was given to the Willow Foundation, the rest has been for various breast cancer research charities.
Thank you to all of you who have helped but hill climbing, baking cakes, race for life, and of course birthday fundraiser. I couldn't have done it without you all
xxxx
I totalled it up and it comes to just over £9,600. I am very proud of that. And of course with my birthday fundraiser in April, we will definitely hit over 10 grand.
Apart from £2000 which was given to the Willow Foundation, the rest has been for various breast cancer research charities.
Thank you to all of you who have helped but hill climbing, baking cakes, race for life, and of course birthday fundraiser. I couldn't have done it without you all
xxxx
Tattoo
I have thought about it for ages, and though what to get, and I just love it.
It is on my upper arm, and going down my arm reads
Suzie
(a heart)
Live
Laugh
Love
As I said I just love it, and so did Suzie.
Thursday, 17 February 2011
Just and update
Well thing remain good with me, both mentally and physically.
I was at GP yesterday, and we have been weaning my happy pills, to try to relieve tiredness, so much so, that I have only been taking one (was on 3), for the last 2 months, so when I spoke to her yesterday, I said I was keen to try stopping, so that's what is happening. I am really positive about this. I know I will have times when I get down, but can hopefully manage these times using my mindfulness etc, BUT if I do need to get back on them, then that will be fine also.
I have now organised another "I'm Still Here Fundraiser" for 30th April, so have been busy writing begging letters and invites etc, so hopefully will do well again this year. Raising the money for Aberdeen Breast Research Centre this year. I have also started a justgiving page - www.justgiving.com/fionasmith42.
Suzie has decided that she wants to go to Paris for her 18th, so she can get pictures of the Eiffel Tower, but of course there will be plenty more to photograph over there, so that will be in June.
I cannot believe my baby is nearly 18, and even more so, that I am still here to celebrate it with her - for that I feel truly lucky.
xxx
I was at GP yesterday, and we have been weaning my happy pills, to try to relieve tiredness, so much so, that I have only been taking one (was on 3), for the last 2 months, so when I spoke to her yesterday, I said I was keen to try stopping, so that's what is happening. I am really positive about this. I know I will have times when I get down, but can hopefully manage these times using my mindfulness etc, BUT if I do need to get back on them, then that will be fine also.
I have now organised another "I'm Still Here Fundraiser" for 30th April, so have been busy writing begging letters and invites etc, so hopefully will do well again this year. Raising the money for Aberdeen Breast Research Centre this year. I have also started a justgiving page - www.justgiving.com/fionasmith42.
Suzie has decided that she wants to go to Paris for her 18th, so she can get pictures of the Eiffel Tower, but of course there will be plenty more to photograph over there, so that will be in June.
I cannot believe my baby is nearly 18, and even more so, that I am still here to celebrate it with her - for that I feel truly lucky.
xxx
Tuesday, 8 February 2011
Lucky
I was sitting thinking last night.
A few times lately, when I have been talking to various people about how my chemo had worked so well for me, I had said "I feel so lucky". These people, not in a bad way, said "well I wouldn't use the word lucky as you are terminally ill with cancer". Yes that's true, it is totally shite, and was certainly not the best news I have ever had in my life (understatement), BUT, I do feel lucky to have had this extra time, feeling reasonably well most of the time, with my family and friends.
Yes cancer still sucks, but its the hand I have been dealt in this life, and I just have to get on with it as best I can.
A few times lately, when I have been talking to various people about how my chemo had worked so well for me, I had said "I feel so lucky". These people, not in a bad way, said "well I wouldn't use the word lucky as you are terminally ill with cancer". Yes that's true, it is totally shite, and was certainly not the best news I have ever had in my life (understatement), BUT, I do feel lucky to have had this extra time, feeling reasonably well most of the time, with my family and friends.
Yes cancer still sucks, but its the hand I have been dealt in this life, and I just have to get on with it as best I can.
Sunday, 6 February 2011
Interesting
Well its been quite a while since I have written on here - kept thinking about it but it didn't seem like I had much to say - more of that later.
I have just watched a new pilot series called The Big C. Its about a reserved suburban housewife (no that's not me), whose cancer diagnosis forces her to shake up her life and find hope and humour in her situation. I thought it was actually quite good, I suppose cos I have tried to find humour in my situation, seems to be the best way to get through this. Anyway, going to continue watching it and see how it develops.
I had a piece in the local paper again yesterday. I actually met with the journalist S, who did the original piece in the paper before my fundraiser last year. We had lunch a few days ago, and she is absolutely lovely. She e mailed me on Friday to see if I wanted to do a 'feel good piece' in the paper about my chemo, and how its worked for me, and why I stopped it, so I agreed. The piece was very positive, and it also mentioned me and Suzie going to Paris, for her 18th in June. This was her choice, the main reason being to get a picture of the Eiffel Tower. I haven't booked it yet, but that will definitely be our next trip. Also in the piece, I managed to reiterate, that a terminal diagnosis does not necessarily mean immediate death, we just need to adjust out lives, listen to our bodies, and try to enjoy the rest of our lives.
Suzie is loving her college course, and her photographs are brilliant, I am very proud of her. She has also got herself a part time job now, so I see less of her, but it is giving her independence, and more importantly, her own money, she loves pay day!!!
Just this past week too, I have booked another birthday fundraiser for April. This year this money is going to go to Prof Heyes, Aberdeen Uni, who does research into breast cancer. I hope to meet with him this coming week, and then I can start getting begging letters sent out etc. I haven't left myself much time this year, so am gonna have to get a move on, but at least it will give me something to focus on.
All in all I feel really good just now. I am starting to exercise again, albeit gently, and am desperately trying to lose some weight. I have gone from 3 to 1 anti depressant, and feel really good still, so might even come off them altogether.
I see oncology this month - its been 3 or 4 months since I have seen them, but don't really think I have any worries.
Must update sooner next time
Thanks for reading
I have just watched a new pilot series called The Big C. Its about a reserved suburban housewife (no that's not me), whose cancer diagnosis forces her to shake up her life and find hope and humour in her situation. I thought it was actually quite good, I suppose cos I have tried to find humour in my situation, seems to be the best way to get through this. Anyway, going to continue watching it and see how it develops.
I had a piece in the local paper again yesterday. I actually met with the journalist S, who did the original piece in the paper before my fundraiser last year. We had lunch a few days ago, and she is absolutely lovely. She e mailed me on Friday to see if I wanted to do a 'feel good piece' in the paper about my chemo, and how its worked for me, and why I stopped it, so I agreed. The piece was very positive, and it also mentioned me and Suzie going to Paris, for her 18th in June. This was her choice, the main reason being to get a picture of the Eiffel Tower. I haven't booked it yet, but that will definitely be our next trip. Also in the piece, I managed to reiterate, that a terminal diagnosis does not necessarily mean immediate death, we just need to adjust out lives, listen to our bodies, and try to enjoy the rest of our lives.
Suzie is loving her college course, and her photographs are brilliant, I am very proud of her. She has also got herself a part time job now, so I see less of her, but it is giving her independence, and more importantly, her own money, she loves pay day!!!
Just this past week too, I have booked another birthday fundraiser for April. This year this money is going to go to Prof Heyes, Aberdeen Uni, who does research into breast cancer. I hope to meet with him this coming week, and then I can start getting begging letters sent out etc. I haven't left myself much time this year, so am gonna have to get a move on, but at least it will give me something to focus on.
All in all I feel really good just now. I am starting to exercise again, albeit gently, and am desperately trying to lose some weight. I have gone from 3 to 1 anti depressant, and feel really good still, so might even come off them altogether.
I see oncology this month - its been 3 or 4 months since I have seen them, but don't really think I have any worries.
Must update sooner next time
Thanks for reading
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