1st January 2009

What can I say - its the 1st day of this year.  Cant help but think what this year is going to hold?  Also cant  help wandering will I still be here this time next year?

Suzie and I went up to Banff for hogmany.  When the bells sounded in the New Year, I did not get emotional like I thought I would, just kinda felt numb.  Manged to enjoy ourselves tho and good that we had something like that to go to.  Thank you again the B family for making us so welcome and inviting us.
xx
Dropped Suzie at her dads on way home from Banff.  After I went to bed, I had a MAJOR wobble.  Couldnt stop thinking about what this year is going to bring.  I am so so scared.  Started thinking about my funeral and just sobbed and sobbed, feel so alone right now.  I feel so feckin angry that I am having to do all this.  ITS NOT FAIR, I HATE CANCER AND I HATE FEELING SHITTY FROM CHEMO.
I am now thinking that I cant believe I was so hooked on my body post mastectomy.  I would give ANYTHING - live my life with NO boobs - just to live my life and see Suzie growing up into a beautiful woman.
I DO NOT WANT TO DIE
I DO NOT WANT TO LEAVE SUZIE, DAD AND MY FRIENDS
I HATE HATE HATE THIS.

11th January 2008

Have said bye bye to 2007, hoping that 2008 is going to be a better year.  Still have radiotherapy to do, but thinks its gonna be a breeze compared to chemo and surgery.

Went to Kilconquhar Castle for R's 30th birthday.  We were in a lodge.  It was weird for me to be around other people, staying in the lodge, and not wearing my  hat in front of them.  Have some hair growth but not a lot.  I did get a bit upset when the others started messing about with balloons and putting them down there tops.  I know they did not mean anything by it, I suppose they just didnt think - had to slink of to bedroom for wee cry.  Cant expect people to think before having a laugh.

Had a treatment in spa.  Did have a laugh, playing games and doing Dirty Dancing dvd - well more watching the others doing it - great excuse for me to sit it out.