12th March 2009

Today was results day of CT scan to see if Taxotere has worked.  N came with me.

The news was shit really.  The chemo is not working - I have further spread to my mediastinal nodes and growth of other spread.  I have 1 node on my trachea , and 1 on right main bronchus - Consultant is worried that if these continue to grow they will compromise my airway, so he wants to do a short, sharp blast of radiotherapy.
I asked the million dollar question about prognosis.  He hummed and heyed for a while, but then said, given the aggressiveness of the cancer, if we cannot get a chemo to work, I would be lucky to have a year.  I was absolutely stunned, shocked and all the other words like that.  Just sat and thought WHY ME? WHY SUZIE AND DAD?
After radiotherapy he will start another type of chemo - I had to chose which one - oral, or IV.  I chose oral, main reason being no hair loss with this one.  Its called capecitabine or xeloda.  Its still a 3 week cycle, where I will take tablets twice a day for 2 weeks, and have a week off, then start the cycle again.  Its a chemo that I could stay on long term if it works.  I will be scanned after 3 cycles (9 weeks), to see if its working.

Went into panic mode a bit and decided I wanted to take N and S on a special holiday, but we thought we had better do it sooner rather than later, as who knows how quick my condition could deteriorate if this chemo does not work.

Suzie had gone into town after school and was not home till 7.  She was not surprised it was bad news and had kind of geared herself up for it.  She said she does not hope for good news anymore as she is sick fed up of geting knockbacks all the time - I cant blame her for thinking like that!!!  Although she has asked about life expectency before, she never asked tonight.  I think she has probably thought about it but is maybe just not ready to hear the answer.  She is with her dad this weekend, but I am going to have to tell her after that as other people know.
I knew deep down the news was not going to be good, but it hurt like hell to hear.  I always hope , deep down for good news, I just never get it!!!!!!!!!  S really upset when I phoned her.  I hate hurting people all the time, really hate it.
Have said to girls we need to get together to sort out dates to go on hols and get something booked.
I am absolutely exhausted, but how am I supposed to sleep with all this going on in my head??