8th December 2008

I had a bone scan on 4th, and CT Scan on 5th.
I was at  the second last mindfulness today, when near the end I got a phonecall.  I had warned M, that I might need to leave the room and take a phonecall as was waiting for results.
I couldnt concentrate on the mindfulness, mind was all over the place, waiting, wanting the phone to ring so I know whats happening.
The phone rang near the end of the session so I rushed out.  The results were not good - caller asked if I really wanted to know over phone - YES YES YES, I have to know one way or another.  I had a chest wall recurrence and spread to my right lung.  I just stood there shaking, crying, unbelieving.  WHY WHY WHY is this happening to me - its not fair, its not right!!!!!!!!!  M came out, gave me a big hug and just let me cry.  Managed to tell her what the results were.  She asked if I wanted to go back into room and tell others, I said yes.  They all knew when I walked in by look on my face.  Lots of tears, lots of hugs. 
I AM NOW TERMINALLY ILL, THEY WILL NEVER CURE ME. 

Went out to car and phoned N then S.  I cannot face telling Suzie or dad yet.  Have to try to get my head round this first.  N told me to go home, get my stuff and go stay at hers that night, I was not to be on my own.  S very upset on phone.  She cant come to N's as she is on night shift tonight.
Went over to N's, we just hugged and sobbed.  Shortly after, S came in, she had gone to work but just couldnt cope, more tears, sobs, hugs.  We just sat and drank, and talked and had a pj party.  Lots to discuss, lots to decide.
When they went to N's bed at night, I stayed in lounge, I just sobbed my heart out , like I have never done before in my life.  What was to happen next? How can I tell Suzie and dad that I am going to die, that I will never be cured of this.  I am so very very scared, more scared than I have ever been.  I cant see how I can live my life now knowing this........................