Post Scan Update

.........And its a happy one.

Went to clinic yesterday, and the CT Scan shows STABLE DISEASE. Apparently there is no change apart from 1 little nodule on my left lung, which appeared at the scan 1 year ago. Back then it measure 8mm, and a year on it measure 10mm. They reckon it is definately cancer, BUT a very slow growing one - grade 1. They are going to put my scan to an xray meeting in the next couple of weeks to discuss it, as she is a bit perplexed, but probably nothing to be done - certainly not chemo. It MAY be removable but just wait and see.

I had a long discussion about how long things could stay like this, as is stable, as I have been off treatment for a year now - she does not have an answer. She said the last chemo worked so very well for me, and my body is obviously fighting its own fight now keeping it all at bay.

So I am 1 happy lady, and am going off to London on Thursday with a light heart, bring on the champagne. After London, I really am going to have to reign in the spending, and I plan to go on a diet, lose some weight and try some gentle exercise - in other words, give myself a kick up the arse.

xxxxx

Todays writing
Some people come into our lives and quickly go. Some people move our souls to dance. They awaken us to new understanding with the passing whisper of their wisdom.
Some people make the sky more beautiful to gaze upon. They stay in our lives for awhile, leave footprints in our hearts, and we are never, ever the same. And sometimes things happen to you that may seem horrible, painful, and unfair at first, but on reflection, you find that without overcoming those obstacles, you would have never reliased your potential, strength, willpower, or heart, Everything happens for a reason, nothing happens by chance or by means of luck. Illness, injury, love, lost moments of true greatness, and sheer stupidity all occur to test the limits of your soul. Without these small tests, whatever they may be, life would be like a smoothly paved, straight, flat road to nowhere. It would be sage and comfortable, but dull and utterly pointless. The people you meet who affect your life, and the success and downfalls you experience, helps to create who you become. Even the bad experiences can be learned from. In fact, they are probably the most poignant and important ones.... Live Laugh Love.

Looking Back

I was round at a friends yesterday, and showed him my blog. I then came home and read it from the beginning............jeez I have been through a lot of shit - between my cancer, mum and dad.
I never remember thinking why me? , but I did several times way back. It is just truly amazing how far on I have come mentally, even since the end of last year when I was in a very dark place. The mind is an amazing thing, and given the correct tools, it can heal and move on.

For the past 7 week I have been doing a compassion course, follow on from the mindfulness I did. I do think I have self compassion, and know I have compassion to others, but its just developing this further, and the way I see it, its another tool in my mental box, for when my mind does start down that slippery slope of getting into the black hole again, which is bound to happen one day. We have the last session this afternoon.

Here is something else I found on the Live Laugh Love page on FB...........

I am responsible for the growth and maintenance of mindfulness in my own life. Each day is an opportunity for me to discover deeper truths about myself. Every moment is an invitation for me to grant others the space they need to be themselves. within me exists a world of awe and splendour, and every morning is a reminder of my innate obligation to participate in my own majesty. This life is my inheritance as a human being, and I will claim it by living as fully as I possibly can through mindful and compassionate participation. May any reward I receive be recycled through my service to others............

CT Scan results tomorrow. Will post after that........
xxxx

Todays writing

Let-go means no competition, no struggle, no fight.....just relaxing with existence, wherever it leads. Not trying to control your future, not trying to control consequences, but allowing them to happen....not even thinking about them. Let-go is in the present; consequences are tomorrow. And let-go is such a delightful experience, a total relaxation, a deep synchronicity with existence........ OSHO

xxx

Update and more......

Had my CT Scan yesterday, so just have to wait till Tuesday for results!! Feel like I am prepared for whatever, will be very surprised if cancer has not grown, but know it has to one day so feel semi ok. Will post about that next week.....

Exactly a week tonight - I will be sat in the Royal Albert Hall, waiting for George Michael to come on stage in 10 minutes time - soooooper excited :)

I have found a page on FB called Live, Laugh, Love - and you all know I love that saying and have it tattooed on my arm. Well the site posts meaningful and poignant phrases and verses (well some of them are meaningful to me), so am going to start posting my faces on here, so here is the first.

If your feeling frightened about what comes next, don't be. Embrace the uncertainty. Allow it to lead you places. Be brave as it challenges you to exercise both your heart and your mind as you create your own path towards happiness, don't waste time with regret. spin wildly into your next action. Enjoy the present, each moment, as it comes; because you'll never get another one quite like it. And if you should ever look up and find yourself lost, simply take a breath and start over. Retrace your steps and go back to the purest place in your heart, where your hope lives. You'll find your way again.......

I think, the things I am going to copy here, are meaningful, party because the words ring true to me, and for what I have learned on my mindfulness and compassion groups. Hope whoever reads this finds it meaningful too

xxxxxxxx

Another update

Well this is Saturday, and I had my colonoscopy on Thursday afternoon.............. the trauma is beginning to leave me!!!

I got this done due to my worsening bowels, with some old and fresh blood. I knew it would be uncomfortable, but.......... even the prep the day before was bad, my poor wee (or not so wee) bottom was soooooo sore. Had to go in for 245, and they were running about an hour late. The unit was lovely (endoscopy), and the staff were lovely too. The procedure was explained, and I would be having sedation, although they liked to keep the sedation light. Was taken into room for the procedure, everything explained again, and given 5mg midazolam, told I will feel woozy. WELL the Midaz did absolultely nothing for me, probably due to the dose of sleeping tabs I was on. The endosocopy nurse was fab, every time I groaned (rather loudly), she stopped and tried again. She managed to get up round the first corner , but could not get round into the sigmoid due to persistent sigmoid looping, each time she tried, was absolute agony, and I am not joking, I thought the scope was going to burst out of my abdomen above my belly button, no joke!!! I finally shouted out, I need some analgesia. She agreed and gave me 25mg pethidine, which did make me a wee bit woozy, but not hugely so. Anyway, she said she would try once more, and if she couldnt get round, she was going to stop as she was unwilling to put me through any more (I do have quite a high pain threshold), but the tears were out of my eyes by this point!!! Anyway, she did manage, and the good news is my bowel is entirely normal, not even inflamed, which is really good, but still no reason why my bowels as bad as they have been.
I dont know if I have to see the docs again, she will send report to them , and they will write to me. Guess I may have to try a bulking agent.

So, thats that done. I have CT scan next Friday, with the results the following Tuesday, couple of days before London. I will be very surprised if the cancer has not grown again, happily surprised, but surprised nonetheless. I suppose , if it has, it is not going to change things hugely, I will just be back on treatment, which I know has to happen one day, its just a question of when.

Suzie has been brilliant during all this, worried, but brilliant, surprising me with 2 bunches of flowers :)

Will update after CT
F
xx

The Joys!!!!

Well I had a phonecall the day before yesterday, and the endoscopy suite has had a cancellation for next Thursday (13th), so would I like to come in for colonoscopy!!! would I like it ......... NO, but I know I have to get this done to find out what is going on. Apparently some people get it done WITHOUT sedation - I will not be one of this I can tell ya. They will be able to tell me what they see that day, but will also be taking biopsies so will have to wait couple of weeks for that results.

The week after that on the Friday 21st, I have my CT Scan, 1st one in a year, then have appointment at clinic the Tuesday after for results - just hope they are through for then!

So will have everything done and dusted, with most answers before we go to see the brill George Michael. Whatever they tell me, I am going to enjoy this trip, and if I have to have more treatment, it will wait till after that. So the thought of the George Michael gig is going to get me through all this, will focus on the gig as the end result!! (Easy said in my head).

Sitting with dye on my hair at the mo, watching the time.
Off to Edinburgh tomoz to meet 6 of my bc pals, go down in the morning, have lunch and cocktails, and back in the evening. It will probably knacker me, but I have had a quiet weekend , and will have a quiet day Monday so it should be fine.

Will update with results.
The joys of living with this disease, every symptom, we assume is going to be the cancer - maybe I will be pleasantly surprised.............watch this space

F
xx