15th December 2008

I have been keeping busy and have had my 'practical' head on.  Dont know if I am in denial.  Lots of folks shocked by the news, as I am still!!
I have made lots of 'to do' lists.
Have been to Doc's.  She is shocked at news.  She has filled in DS1500 form which is a form stating I am terminally ill so I can get high rate DLA immediately.  Have also seen financial advisor to discuss options.

I have to make lots of plans for LIVING, I have several ideas already of things for Suzie and I to do.
I am so thankful for having N and S to help me through this, althoug I know how much they are hurting too.  I can only imagine what it would be like for me if one of them was in situation.

Suzie has started asking questions.  Have told her I will be completely honest with her and to ask any questions, any time, and not to be afraid of upsetting me.

N was meant to be coming over for x factor final but she phone to say she couldnt face it and just wanted to be on her own.  Obviously I wanted to see her, but have to respect how she feels, as long as she is honest with me.  Think her and S getting asked lots of questions from folk at work, so theres no getting away for it.
S went out with intention of getting very pissed, which she managed well.  The only thing is, she said she woke up next day and in her words - I am still ill, nothing has changed and she now feels like shit with a hangover.

My cousin M was round, very very emotional.
On Saturday night, I was on my own and couldnt stop crying.  I am scared scared scared of dying, but mostly scared about leaving Suzie.  This bloody disease is so unfair, I am only 40, I shouldnt be, and dont want to face this.

It was the last mindfulness session today, it was very emotional.  I cannot believe that 8 weeks ago, I started this course 'healthy', and I am now terminally ill.  Have arranged to meet with M on a 1 to 1 basis again.

N forwarded an e mail from work today.  My boss has started a 'hospital' collection, to send Suzie and I somewhere special, as a memory for us.  I am gobsmacked - they must be fed up having collections for me the past year!