Went to see dad today to tell him about prognosis. He was just gutted and just looked 'broken'. He is also bitter and just keeps saying 'why me', when there are all those junkies etc out there.
Met L for walk down beach with dogs. She was really upset and said the same as N had last week - that it just was not fair and she didnt want me to die.
I am so scared about dying - scared of how long it will be, how quick I will deteriorate? How will I die? I just dont want to linger on for months being totally dependent on people.
Felt I had to tell Suzie about prognosis when she came home today - what can I say, she must be so scared, I just dont know whats going on in her head. I am so so glad she has her friends.
Looks like I will be going on hols with N and S week of 23rd March, straight after rads. Suzie is happy for me to go away with the girls and understands why I need to. Will have to postpone Stobo tho - but hopefully not for long.
I have Suzie next weekend so have booked for us to go to Edinburgh for a night and got tickets for Joseph. Will do a bit of retail therapy too.
This whole thing is absolutely shit, it really is. As N said-being positive just does not work anymore!!! I just need to cram in loads of trips while I am fit to do so. Found out how much ill health retirement I will be getting - WOW!!!!!!!!! Going to manage to do as many trips as we want.
This is my story, as a 42 year old, young woman, living with terminal breast cancer.
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