What have I been up to since last post?

What have I been up to? Well.....................I am now a trained childline counsellor (obviously still a lot of learning to do) - but I made it through the training, despite feeling shitty with my own health a lot of the time. I have done 2 solo shifts now, and really enjoy it. Take my mind off my own problems and gives me something else to focus on. It is such a supportive environment, and they are going to work round my health. Have now just finished cycle 3 of chemo. I had my CT Scan yesterday and have to wait till Tuesday for results - its gonna be a long weekend. I am so so nervous, but trying not to let them get on top of me. Have still been feeling pretty crappy - so so tired, weak, coughing still, productive cough in mornings after a nights sleep, poor appetite. Life is certainly a challenge just now. Went in to see Michael McIntyre couple of weeks ago - he was so very very funny - had a sore belly and cheeks with laughing so much. It was good to laugh to much. We also had the school reunion couple of Fridays ago - it all went very well and we raised nearly £3,500 split between the Anchor Unit and Grampian Deaf Children's Society. Didnt know have the folk there lol, but had a great night, with pre party champagne and A's house with D. Think thats about it for just now. Just trying to keep going and doing things as much as my body will allow. Will update after scan Thanks to all out there who support me - I have very good friends F xx

Current Health

Well I found out last week (for sure), that the cancer is growing and has spread again. I have had the growth in my left lung, which was really slow growing over the last couple of years, but it has taken off now. From Oct 2010 to Oct 2011 it only grew 2mm, up to 10mm. Due to my cardiac CT Scan (which was fine by the way), they saw areas on both scans so I had restaging of cancer with Bone and CT Scan. Bone Scan was fine, but CT Scan showed growth and spread. The cancer in my left lung now measures 3.2cm (I think), BUT more worrying, is a new growth in my right lung which measures something like 5.2cm by 5cm (something like that). I always said the cancer had to grow again one day, and thought I would be 'ok' when it did, but I am totally gutted. I am angry and pissed off. I have felt unwell for the last couple of months, so am not surprised, but with feeling physically shit, I am not in a good place to be starting treatment again. Dont get me wrong, I can still do 'stuff', but not a lot of it, as just don't have the energy etc to do it. We decided to start Capecitabine Chemo tablets again. If you remember, they were the only chemo that has worked so far, so we decided it was sensible to start on these. I have been on them about 5 days now, and they are probably exacerbating my 'crappy' feeling. Another thing, from the CT Scan is a query about the growth on my right lung being a new primary - which would not be good. They are hoping its BC mets, BUT why would it sprout out of nowwhere and is bigger than the other one? There was suggestion of a biopsy of the right side, but they are waiting till after 3 cycles of this chemo. If the left shrinks and the right does not, then they will biopsy. So am back on the chemo treadmill again. Will have 3 cycles (9 weeks), of this chemo, then they will re scan to see if its working, and we will take it from there. I am tired, nauseas some of the time, fatigued, bloody coughing all the time, have had a few infections, and just cant be assed with it all. I honestly could throw in the towel. I know I shouldn't think like this, as there are others out there worse than me, but its how I feel. Hey ho. Lets see how it goes. Laters F xxx

Long Time!!

Hey Sorry its been so long since I updated. Health has taken turn for worse, but more about that later. Will jot down a few things I have been up to since last post (dependent on diary not memory!!) I suppose firstly I had my "I'm Still Here No 3" end of April. It went well and we raised I think over £4,000 for Aberdeen Breast Cancer Research Fund. A good night was had but think it has run its course now, don't plan on having another next year. Beginning of May, I started as a switchboard operator (voluntary), for one shift a week at childline. Really enjoyed it, but it did get a bit tedious with all the 'testing' calls, so I decided to do training to become a childline counsellor. I have now done 5 out of the 11 training nights, and am away to do my first practice shift this afternoon - shitting myself for that. Have been really undecided as to whether to continue or not due to present health, but gonna try to. In June, the pub had organised a day at Perth Races. Went with D, and J - had a brilliant fun day from start to finish. First time ever at races, and we didn't bet big, but really exciting. End of June, Suzie and I went to see Hugh Laurie sing in Glasgow - he was absolutely fantastic. We stayed overnight and had a shopping trip while we were there so had a good time away. Suzie had her usual busy summer - T in the Park with R, followed by Tenerife with the love of her life S. Hardly see her any more, but glad she is happy and getting on with her life. I did an appeal video for Aberdeen Uni - was not keen when they asked me, but if it can help raise the profile of BC and raise more money then I was happy to help. The video is still not 'out there' but is still being edited I believe. On 24th September, the Queen was opening the new Aberdeen University library, and because of all the fundraising I have done, I was invited, with a guest to a whole day of celebration. I took D, my old school friend, who now also fundraises for them. We started with an organ recital, lunch in Elphinstone Hall, a week drink in the High Street pub, then saw the Queen (saw not met), followed by a drinks reception then dinner in Elphinstone Hall at night. All in all a very grown up day for us. On Friday 28th September, my surrogate ma and da, S and D, got married. I was very privelidged to be invited, and had a lovely day. They giggled like teenagers the whole day, and it was very special. That kind of takes it to now. going to start a separate post about my current health. Thats the last 6 months in a nutshell. F

Me again

Ok

So still being lazy about posting.

I guess the main thing I have to post about is sad news about a friend. My friend Clare from Reading sadly died to this sodding disease on 1st April. We were great friends on bc pals, and on facebook, but only met once in person when I went down there - I did post about that. She was the nicest, friendliest woman who has sadly now gone aged 43, lovely husband and 6 year old boy - just so so sad. Her funeral is on the 20th, but its just too far for me to go, so I will have some quiet time here and think of her.

On the me front - I had my stress heart echo scan. It was a bit weird really - artificially getting your heart rate speeded up by drugs - and in typical Fiona fashion, I did not play by the book and needed another drug as my heart was not speeding up as they were wanting!!!
The report for the scan showed 'suggestion of existence of flow limiting lesion in the LAD at high level of stress'. The cardiologist reg phoned me about a week later to say he had discussed results with Consultant, and they want to do further tests. They gave me choice of either Angiogram, which has a 1 in 1000 risk of heart attack or stroke, or a cardiac CT, which needs to be done in Glasgow, but is non invasive. I thought about it for a while and decided on the CT cardiac one, as , knowing me, I would misbehave and do something wrong, like I usually do. Dont know how long I will have to wait for that.

Birthday fundraiser is now only 2 weeks on Saturday. There should be about 90 there, which I think is about usual. I have more raffle and auction prizes now, which is good, but dont think will have as much as usual, but thats now a bad thing as it usually takes forever, and folks will spend the same amount on raffle tickets.

Have been in at garage helping Ian loads as he had an operation on a disc in his back, and is unable to sit or stand for long - so this will go on for weeks - but glad to help. He has always been good to me.

Suzie and Georgie are both fine :):)

Think thats about it.

Love
Fi
xx

Just an update

Hey

Its been a while - AGAIN!!! Been lazy. So whats been going on?

Got a date in for my stress heart scan - thats on 21st this month - have to get a lift there and back as not allowed to drive but thats sorted.

Gluten free diet still going well - still constipated!!! Very bizarre. I have have gluten/wheat a couple of times this month to 'challenge' myself, and it has def affected my bowels - bad but not drastic, so just means if I really fancy something, especially when eating out then I can without suffering too bad - as long as I don't have plans for the next day it should be fine :)

Cant remember if I said I have a cat now - well I have - his names Georgie, he is 5 and is really settle in - gets a bit wild at times but he's good fun in the whole.

Suz and I went to see Olly Murs in Aberdeen - he was actually really entertaining and a great voice. We are now booked to go and see the one and only Hugh Laurie in Glasgow in June - he does not tour very often and is only doing 3 dates in Britain so we jumped at chance - something different but should be good, so we will stay overnight and do a bit of shopping.

Weight loss still going well - thats now 10 pounds and I am really noticing the difference and so are others now so thats all good - feel so much better for it :)

I finally booked my birthday fundraiser - its on 28th April - usual script re tickets etc, different venue. Not having great luck so far for stuff for raffle - think economy is really kicking in this year, but whatever we raise will still be a bonus.

Dont think I have much else to say really. Life is pretty good. See what this scan shows and see oncology next month day before my birthday.

TTFN
Fi
xxx

Update - its been a while

Hey

Ok so haven't posted since the New Year apart from about my friend.

Cardiac - had a cardiac appointment 10th Jan - saw a lovely registrar, who then spoke to consultant. They are not convinced that the central chest pain I suffer when a slight incline/hill/more stairs than my house is not angina - so they have doubled my heart medication (was on little dose anyway), given me a GTN spray to use if I get chest pain (take it on walks), and I am to get a stress echocardiogram. I had a stress ECG before where I was on a treadmill and they checked my heart at same time while walking, but to me this is not realistic, as walking on a treadmill is not the same as outside. Anyway, for the test they are planning, they do an echo, then inject me with a drug to stimulate/stress my heart (aint very pleasant apparently), and continue looking at the flow of blood etc to see if theres any ischaemic heart disease there, so just waiting for date for that.

Oncology - saw them on 24th Jan - they are basically happy, and were ecstatic when I told them I decided not to go ahead with the surgery to remove the cancerous bit from my left lung. They took some bloods to check my hormones and ovarian markers as I was having some pelvic abdominal pain - both of which were normal. They also did the usual bloods - and one of my liver markers has risen. I had to get it rechecked at GP a week later, and it has risen further. They are not unduly concerned as its only 1 of 3 markers that has risen, and if theres cancer in the liver, usually all 3 rise. It could have been an antibiotic I got when ill just before xmas, or could be alcohol!!!!! As a result, I have cut out alcohol - altho will have if I am out - and have to get it rechecked in a week from now - at least I will know if its still rising, then maybe they need to investigate further.

My Gluten free diet has done wonders for my bowels - I am now having to take laxatives once or twice a week - despite all the fruit and veg and good stuff I am eating - so that is HUGE progress. I am going to have to challenge myself with wheat and gluten in march just to prove it, but its too much of a coincidence, that 2 weeks after I started the diet, my bowels improved. I am also 5 weeks into my weight watchers diet, and its going well - I have now lost 6 1/2 pounds, which at first I was disappointed at the slow loss, but its not like I am 20 stone and gonna lost half stone at a time - and I suppose the slower it comes off, its more likely to stay off. Most of the time I am finding it ok, but do have cravings now and again, as much for wheaty things as junk food.

Suzie and I were into the theatre, here at home on Monday night to see Grease - it was really good - Dirty Dancing next month which I am really looking forward to.

Think thats about it for now so will say TTFN

Todays verse.......
If you are focused on what might happen next, you are not focused on what is happening now. Why waste your life like that?........Live Laugh Love

My friends funeral

It was my friends funeral just over a week ago.
It was very hard, especially for Suzie - I mean what 18 year old likes funerals, this is only the second she has been to, BUT I think she was prob thinking the next time she was gonna be there is gonna be mine. It was horrible to see her so so upset.

I still cannot believe really that S has gone, keep going to text her, and cant believe I wont see her again. Its not like we saw each other every single week, but we were friends. Its just so so sad, and part of this shit disease.

Not much else I can say.
Bye bye my friend
Love
Fi
xxxxx

In memory of my friend S

My friend S, died of secondary BC on Saturday 7th January. She was diagnosed after me, is slightly younger than me, and leaves behind the most wonderful 18 year old girl, who just happens to be Suzie's best friend since 1st year at school. And she leaves behind a husband.

This disease is just so so unfair, for those of us who suffer, and for our loved ones who have been ,or will be left behind.

She went very quickly in the end, which in my opinion, is how I would want to go, but not everyone would agree with that.

Suzie and I are just so sad and shocked, I have not cried yet, and dont yet know when the funeral will be. She never said she was having a private service so waiting to hear.

S was a fun loving, Irish woman, with a wicked sense of humour, and faced up to this disease pretty much as I do. She always had a smile on her face when I saw her, and Suzie and I were lucky enough to have 3 nights in London with her and her daughter just at the end of October, and for this I am thankful. She has a lot of friends and family out there who are going to be suffering greatly.

Sleep peacefully S - no more pain
Thinking of you loads and of course of M, your husband, and R, your gorgeous daughter.
xxxxxx

Todays saying...........You can't start the next chapter of your life if you keep re-reading the last one......Live Laugh Love.

Its a New Year

Well, here we are, 2012, and who would have thought I would still be here and 'well'???
Its amazing really , when I think back, and I know I have said it before but I really am grateful.

So what is this year gonna bring for me?? No doubt in my head, more worries about the cancer, but apart from that, who knows. Just gonna try and enjoy, as I have been doing as much as possible.

I went to McNasty's to see the New Year in, with Suzie, RT and of course lots of other friends from the pub. Had a great night, with lots of laughs, and when it came to 'the bells', they had a piper. Since the mets dx, I always feel a bit 'funny' when the bells strike, and this year was no different. Its not that I am not happy, but just weird not knowing what the next year is gonna bring. Had tears in my eyes, but held them back. Anyway, the piper was really good, great atmosphere, but just a tad emotional.

So thats all the festivities over for another year, took the tree and decs down on 27th, nice to get back to 'normal'.

Today is the official start to my gluten free diet - trying this to see if my horrible bowels improve - hoping this will be the answer, rather than relying on drugs, so have to give it a good go. Going out for lunch tomorrow so that will be trying - hopefully they will know whats gluten free and not. Also starting a healthy eating plan today as I simply have to lose weight - my aim is at least 2 stone, which I know is not gonna be easy. Not joining any sort of club, I know what I should and should not eat, so gonna try to do it on my own, along with gentle exercise. Wish me luck!!!

And today's reading.....
Life in itself is an empty canvas, it becomes whatsoever you paint on it. You can paint misery, you can paint bliss. The freedom is your glory.....Live Laugh Love