5th October 2010

This is the first post where I am not posting from my diaries, but on the actual day of writing this.
I suppose this means I will publish this now - bit nervous about that, about people being able to read my thoughts and feelings, but I want to do it, even if it helps one person, it will be worth it.
It also might make friends and family realise how I feel, without me having to speak about it all the time.

I sometimes, even tho it lives with me every single day, pinch myself as to what has happened to me since that black Friday the 13th July 2007, when this rollercoaster ride started.
Looking back, I have not been as 'down' as I am just now, but maybe I have handled it 'too well' all along, or maybe I was in denial, or maybe I just didnt let myself  'feel', who knows?
I remember having a conversation with G the first time she visited Abz, about how heartbreaking it was to tell our families, especially our children - that horrible memory will be with me forever, especially having to tell them about mets dx.  BUT, getting that diagnosis, made me pull myself together and get on with things.  My funeral is almost completely organised and written.  My memory stuff is all done - although I keep adding to Suzies.  I am grateful, really I am, even with the way I feel just now, to still be well and alive, and adjusted to MY  normal life.
I am grateful I worked for the NHS for so long - my ill health retirement has given me the chance to LIVE my life and has enabled me to have lots of trips with Suzie, to make all those happy memories - some people never have the chance to do that.
I am grateful for my friends.  You know who you are, and I feel honoured that you have all stuck by me through think and thin.  Some are old friends, but some I was not that close to before diagnosis, they were more acquantances, but have become a a lot closer to them since then, they have become new friends, I truly am grateful.
I intend to update this regularly.
It is just my cancer story, so might make boring reading, but I believe it will help me to write this down, as I had stopped doing that on paper so much.
If you read this, I hope you enjoy, although there is a lot of reading since it started over 3 years ago.
In writing this, I realise that when I first started this chemo, I felt bad physically, so I hope this present feeling will soon pass, and that by seeing M again, I will find myself, and get my head sorted, so I can be my old upbeat self again.
I have a few things in the planning to look forward to, and think I need to make sure I always  have something to aim towards and look forward to, as this does help.
Thanks for reading
xxxxx