1st October 2010

I went to see M today for a 1 to 1.  Whilst I am not going into what we talked about, she has made me realise that its OK to feel the way I have been feeling, and just to let it happen.  I have to stop being angry with myself for feeling angry, its normal, but has just come as a shock cos I have never really felt this angry and bad before.  I know deep down its normal to feel like this, but I just dont want to waste any of my remaining life feeling like this, but to get over this, I have to allow myself to feel.
I spoke to M about having a retreat, and she agreed it sounded like it would be good for me.
When I came home, I started looking into them, but they are quite far away, so I have decided, and booked to go to a spa hotel myself, for 2 nights, week after next.  I am going to spend my time having treatments, doing mindfulness practices, relaxing in the spa, reading, just doing whatever I feel like.  I am postive this will be good for me to do.  Suzie with her dad then so not like I am missing out on any time with her.
I have also booked to go down to see G and D in November, so thats something else to look forward to.

I know I need to take 1 day at a time, and I am hopeful that I will come out of this hole - just dont know when.

Because I pushed C away when I started feeling like this, our relationship has ended.  There were other small reasons too, but our relationship is finished.  I am truly sad about this, and am sorry that its partly my fault, but we will, I am sure, remain close friends. 

Trying to think more positively about the future, I have everything to live for - everything and more, Suzie being the main reason.  She really is the only thing keeping me going.  She gets madder by the day, and she just makes me smile so much, I am happy when she is around, I wish she could be around more, but of course she has to get on with her life, and I would not expect anything less.  I feel so much closer to her this passed while.