I am continuing to find this hard both mentally and physically.
I had mindfulness today, and spoke to M about seeing her again 1 to 1 - she agreed and we have made an appointment, I know I need to see her, to try to get my head straight again.
For the first time, I feel so angry about having cancer, about dying, about not having a normal life, while my friends and family continue with theirs. I feel selfish for having these thoughts and I HATE feeling like this. Although I have had down times immediately after diagnosis, and bad news, I have been so upbeat throughout this, maybe too upbeat, but I feel such a pressure to keep being like this, a lot of people, I feel just expect me to remain this way, as I am 'well'.
I feel like I am not Fiona anymore, I am just a cancer victim, and I dont want to be one of these.
Physically too, I am fatigued. I have not been able to do a single bit of exercise since I came back my hols and restarted chemo. I just dont have an ounce of energy. Before the holidays I was swimming and walking all the time, and now I am doing nothing.
I feel so distanced from my 2 best friends - no-ones fault, its just the way I feel. They have their own lives to live, and I know that, but I miss them.
I want to feel better and I want it now.
This is my story, as a 42 year old, young woman, living with terminal breast cancer.
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