Just-Fi

Hi my names Donna Im one of Fiona's friends Im writing this on her behalf, all her own words from here on. Cannot remember if we said but the Cancer is active again(Theres not so much happy blogging now, but still days out etc) The Cancer started growing, we re started capecitabine which did not work this time so they stopped this and gave me 4 blasts of radiotherapy to right lung, December 12th, I was admitted to ward 17 where I was diagnosed with bloody Shingles! Was seen at clinic in between times and Dr R decided ( with my reluctant agreement) to start Gem/Carbo chemo - apparently the dogs bollox of chemo when we get to this stage! Ferbruary 2013 Was really a bit of a blur of feeling quiet blehh and was admitted to ward 17 again - turns out more shingles... Nae Luck! Had to cancel social outings more and more, and quality of life becoming less and less. Friday 15th March 2013. Another very significant date in my diary. I had an appointment at Clinic that morning. I had emailed J that week as I was having increasing headaches,nausea which turned into vomiting and increasingly unsteady on my feet, to the point I was unsafe at home. How or why I didn't fall up or down those stairs I will never know. Anyway A had to practically carry me into clinic, was seen by Dr T, admitted to ward 17, got head CT scan (which I had in Dec/Jan)This time got the scan with contrasts. Within 30 mins of scan Dr R was telling me I had multiple brain mets, I had at least 7 tumours and would need whole brain radiotherapy for 4 blasts. After this they don't brain scan me anymore, just go by symptoms and control these with steroids anti sickness etc. Of course I was on my own when I got this news - Im good at that! It was a few weeks after the radiotherapy that I started to loose my hair. They did say this would happen, and the hair loss would be permanent. Anyway, it was coming out in clumps in the shower, I was freaking out enough, never mind Suzie. I asked my best friend (before or after I bought lunch lol) if she would clipper the rest, after a quick NO, she agreed. Was so grateful to her, I thought it would be emotional but it was S that was, not me. Difficult job I imagine. April was a good month. I organised lots of cocktail lunches with different groups of friends, most of them I managed and had a bloody good laugh in the process. Much prefer going out for a late lunch and getting home tea time isn, no hangover, not unduly tired etc, its a good way to do it, Im happy to have so many friends caring. Suzie and I were meant to go see Joseph and his technicolor dream coat in March, but had to cancel as I was in hossie. S went with Suzie instead, think he was a musical virgin lol. Anyhow they enjoyed it even though it should have been me in that FRONT ROW SEAT OF THE STALLS!- Boo Hoo! Some of the outings I did manage were - lots of internet shopping Lol. Trips to town with D and A. Eyelashes (false which were fantastic)and made me feel more womanly after loosing hair. The girls from down South made a trip up to see me - it was lovely. We went to MUSA for Cocktails. Had cocktail lunch with Y and K from childline. Met T and T for lunch, big one was birthday lunch with N and S. We met in Soul. There birthday pressie to me was a framed picture of words, its hard to explain, but basically mostly single words which describe or are my fave things - vodka and coke, Suzie, Georgie, Candy crush, Facebook, Cocktails - get the gist? It was ace we just had a "grown up" - how did that happen? lunch with great food, lovely cocktails and reminiscing on old times and trips. Im May Vinero/bine chemo (oral) was started. I had been ill before it started, so I cant really blame it, but May and June were not good. I could not get rid of UTI and again had to keep cancelling social events. My quality of life was practically zero again. I questioned this chemo A LOT. All my friends were lovely again and came round for coffee, took me for coffee etc. The support Ive had has been immense. For S birthday we managed to go to Potarch hotel near Banchory, just the 3 of us, obviously ( or maybe not) Im illegal to drive since brain mets were diagnosed, so depending on others for lifts. Its not easy, but Im getting better at saying "Yes" May and June were filled with temperatures. Was eventually admitted mid June when I was diagnosed with a chest infection as well as a urine infection. I have not been home since admission on 19th June 2013. When at clinic D at the end of May I had asked Dr R to refer me to a consultant at Roxburgh House who was highly recommended, I asked for Dr L - Who even Dr R said to go to. After being in ward 17 for nearly a week, Dr L came and introduced himself. He is one of the the palliative care consultants at Roxburgh House. He is Ace! Great bedside manner, down to earth, straight to the point and honest. We all know how important those are to me. I spoke with him on Tuesday 25th June and by 11am on Wednesday 26th June I was in my own wee room in Roxburgh House. I thought I would have mixed feelings when I got wheeled into Roxburgh House but I don't know? IT FEELS RIGHT. I got wheeled in "my front door" and the view out my patio door at the other side of the room down one length of the gardens. It is peaceful, serene, quiet, friendly and just where I want to be. From a PE CT scan done in ARI, the chemo didnt work. The tumours have grown and in particular there is a new tumour which is flapping over the right bronchus causing it to block over, causing my symptoms, where I basically cant breath very well. I have morphine and midazolam continuos sub cut and pump and get breakthrough when I ask. This helps open up the airways, also on regular sallatamol nebulisers and breakthrough, all of which help. There is other news I am about to write, which will be out of order but I will write anyway. Georgie, even though I chucked him out all the time has gone to K and N's to stay. He has settled in no bother, he has only been there a week and K says he already has his paws under the table. Suzie and I managed a our trip to Edinburgh, I didnt think I would, but was determined to make the effort. We went down and back by train, saw Bohemian Rhapsody and came back the next day. The show was good but only a quarter full, if that. It was only 2 days before Suzies birthday, so I gave her money and she went shopping. She just went on her own, as I would just hold her back with my chest. I haven't said how bad this is, but its my main concern. Its very scary not being able to get breath into your body - VERY VERY SCARY. Anyway zipping to today, sat here, in room 4, Roxburgh Hough, writing this, wishing I was not. Since the brain mets, I found and fell in love with Bobbi Brown Make up - lol- and now so does Suzie. I have bought Suzie a new I Pad just cause I could. We we meant to be having, which I would have seen as our last big trip together, Yeah, in 4 nights time, we should be at the )2 London, right now waiting for Michael Buble. So So So gutted we are not there. I have finished all my paperwork and everyone has there envelopes and jobs to do, so, I am ready to die. I hope I do soon. Suzie can then get away to Tenerife, because lets face we are all sitting here, waiting for the inevitable. I hope to be pain free and breathing easily, or at least sleepy enough not to remember or know anything. Everyone has been fantastic and Im having to say no to visitors but Suzie, my poor dad, N and S and D and A, have all been brill, St seems to be supporting Suzie really well. Suzie my little star got 91% in her end of year exams, so is off to Uni after the summer to get her degree. I am so proud of her. Dad got my car so he has transport to get him around and my car is signed over to him so its his until he dosent want to drive it anymore. Dont think there is much else to say. I have written this in Roxburgh House on Sunday 7th July, so dont know if I will add to it or not. I kind of hope not, as that will mean my death will have been quick, and I think thats best for everyone, especially me. I thank you all, my beautiful family and friends. Thanks for your support and friendship over the years, thanks for the laughs, tears fun and memories. I am a better person for having knowing you all. .