23rd April 2009

I had my 'retiral' tea party at work today.  There were quite a lot of people from throughout the hospital came.  Folks had brought loads of food.  I didnt/couldnt do a speech, and no-one else did one, as I would have just got far to emotional.
Suzie came with me, and we went in early and stuck up the piccies from Stobo Castle, so everyone could see how much fun we had.
I think because I have been off sick for so long, it didnt feel like a leaving party, as I felt I left ages ago, so it was not as emotional as I thought it was going to be.  I will still see folks from work so will keep up to date with the goss.

22nd April 2009

Suzie and I have had our 2 nights in Stobo Castle - it was everything we expected/wanted, and more.  Think Suzie enjoyed it more than she thought she would, especially the jacuzzi and pool.  It was so so good to spend this time with Suzie - no computers and minimal texting.  We just had such a relaxing time and a good laugh - her hiding in the huge big wardrobes and losing each other cos the suite was so big.  The huge bathtub was fab we had a bubblebath, while watching telly in the bathroom and drinking champagne - how fab is that?

We cannot thank all of you enough at RACH who donated towards this.  I will never forget your generosity and sure Suzie will cherish this memory.

17th April 2009

No - Lemar did not buy me a diamond ring :(

L and I went down to Glasgow to see Lemar.  We got there early, dumped our bags, then went shopping.  I made a passing comment to L and said I have always wanted a solitaire diamond ring - she was like ' right lets go shopping'.  Long and short of it, we walked into Mappin and Webb (very posh), and started looking.  My whole purpose for choosing the ring I chose, was for leaving it for Suzies 21st, so I chose it with her in mind.  The ring I chose was the 2nd cheapest in the shop!!  We were treated very well.  Had champagne while picking the ring, and once the sales assistant knew the reason I was buying it, and my story, L started crying, I cried, then the sales assistant joined in!!!  The ring is beautiful, and I would have left something like this for Suzie, but its more personal now that is something I will wear and love, then leave it to her.  She knows the reason I bought it , and she loves the ring too.

Now onto Lemar, - he was fanbloodytastic.  Not everyones taste, but he just has such a pure and brilliant voice.  We both loved it so much.

This time in 48 hours, we will be in Stobo, and this time in 7 days, we will be in London seeing Wicked.  I do find all this tiring and do struggle a bit, but its all worth it.  I am making so many memories to take with me.

11th April 2009

I am feeling so much better mentally and physically today.

Went into town before I went to see Blood Brothers again.  I was a very bad girl and treated myself to a Links of London sweetie necklace and charm - naughty but I love it :)

10th April 2009

Have felt pretty crap the last couple of days.  I HATE feeling unwell but I suppose this is nothing compared to what I am gonna be like as I deteriorate.  Yesterday I was very low both mentally and physically - have started thinking is the chemo really worth it if its making me feel this bad.  Maybe I am just expecting too much of my body???

I got dads car yesterday.  I phoned him up when I was round the corner and asked him to come outside as I wanted to show him something but couldnt be bothered taking it in!!  He was so surprised, shocked and chuffed - he just had tears running down his face.  He was not expecting it at all and was so grateful.  I was just so happy that I was able to do something like this for him - his  face was a picture and will live with me till my dying day.

8th April 2009

I met the Macmillan Nurse yesterday - she is lovely.
I really did get upset tho, talking about the wheres and hows of dying.  I just hate the thought of getting sicker and dying.  I get sad, I get angry - not just for me, but for Suzie, dad and my friends.  ITS JUST NOT FAIR.

Was into theatre tonight to see Blood Brothers - it was bloody amazing - really funny but VERY emotional at end - dont think there was a dry eye in the theatre.  Think Suzie would enjoy this.

6th April 2009

Mornings are really not good for me just now.  I just feel so shitty for the first few hours.  Of course I have to eat something to take chemo, so this is not easy.

G and D came up from Friday and home on Sunday.  It was lovely to see G again and meet D - he is a lovely man.  I got really emotional when I dropped them at airport, as it suddently hit me when we were saying goodbye that I may not see them again.  The reality of this just made me cry all the way home.

While G and D were here, I went and bought dad a car on Satursday.  Dont pick it up till Thursday, but dad knows nothing about it.  Cant wait to see his face.

Went to the funeral directors today, so gonna get everything sorted for them that I need to do, and that will be something else ticked off the list.