Had my CT Scan yesterday, so just have to wait till Tuesday for results!! Feel like I am prepared for whatever, will be very surprised if cancer has not grown, but know it has to one day so feel semi ok. Will post about that next week.....
Exactly a week tonight - I will be sat in the Royal Albert Hall, waiting for George Michael to come on stage in 10 minutes time - soooooper excited :)
I have found a page on FB called Live, Laugh, Love - and you all know I love that saying and have it tattooed on my arm. Well the site posts meaningful and poignant phrases and verses (well some of them are meaningful to me), so am going to start posting my faces on here, so here is the first.
If your feeling frightened about what comes next, don't be. Embrace the uncertainty. Allow it to lead you places. Be brave as it challenges you to exercise both your heart and your mind as you create your own path towards happiness, don't waste time with regret. spin wildly into your next action. Enjoy the present, each moment, as it comes; because you'll never get another one quite like it. And if you should ever look up and find yourself lost, simply take a breath and start over. Retrace your steps and go back to the purest place in your heart, where your hope lives. You'll find your way again.......
I think, the things I am going to copy here, are meaningful, party because the words ring true to me, and for what I have learned on my mindfulness and compassion groups. Hope whoever reads this finds it meaningful too
xxxxxxxx
This is my story, as a 42 year old, young woman, living with terminal breast cancer.
Friday, 21 October 2011
Saturday, 15 October 2011
Another update
Well this is Saturday, and I had my colonoscopy on Thursday afternoon.............. the trauma is beginning to leave me!!!
I got this done due to my worsening bowels, with some old and fresh blood. I knew it would be uncomfortable, but.......... even the prep the day before was bad, my poor wee (or not so wee) bottom was soooooo sore. Had to go in for 245, and they were running about an hour late. The unit was lovely (endoscopy), and the staff were lovely too. The procedure was explained, and I would be having sedation, although they liked to keep the sedation light. Was taken into room for the procedure, everything explained again, and given 5mg midazolam, told I will feel woozy. WELL the Midaz did absolultely nothing for me, probably due to the dose of sleeping tabs I was on. The endosocopy nurse was fab, every time I groaned (rather loudly), she stopped and tried again. She managed to get up round the first corner , but could not get round into the sigmoid due to persistent sigmoid looping, each time she tried, was absolute agony, and I am not joking, I thought the scope was going to burst out of my abdomen above my belly button, no joke!!! I finally shouted out, I need some analgesia. She agreed and gave me 25mg pethidine, which did make me a wee bit woozy, but not hugely so. Anyway, she said she would try once more, and if she couldnt get round, she was going to stop as she was unwilling to put me through any more (I do have quite a high pain threshold), but the tears were out of my eyes by this point!!! Anyway, she did manage, and the good news is my bowel is entirely normal, not even inflamed, which is really good, but still no reason why my bowels as bad as they have been.
I dont know if I have to see the docs again, she will send report to them , and they will write to me. Guess I may have to try a bulking agent.
So, thats that done. I have CT scan next Friday, with the results the following Tuesday, couple of days before London. I will be very surprised if the cancer has not grown again, happily surprised, but surprised nonetheless. I suppose , if it has, it is not going to change things hugely, I will just be back on treatment, which I know has to happen one day, its just a question of when.
Suzie has been brilliant during all this, worried, but brilliant, surprising me with 2 bunches of flowers :)
Will update after CT
F
xx
I got this done due to my worsening bowels, with some old and fresh blood. I knew it would be uncomfortable, but.......... even the prep the day before was bad, my poor wee (or not so wee) bottom was soooooo sore. Had to go in for 245, and they were running about an hour late. The unit was lovely (endoscopy), and the staff were lovely too. The procedure was explained, and I would be having sedation, although they liked to keep the sedation light. Was taken into room for the procedure, everything explained again, and given 5mg midazolam, told I will feel woozy. WELL the Midaz did absolultely nothing for me, probably due to the dose of sleeping tabs I was on. The endosocopy nurse was fab, every time I groaned (rather loudly), she stopped and tried again. She managed to get up round the first corner , but could not get round into the sigmoid due to persistent sigmoid looping, each time she tried, was absolute agony, and I am not joking, I thought the scope was going to burst out of my abdomen above my belly button, no joke!!! I finally shouted out, I need some analgesia. She agreed and gave me 25mg pethidine, which did make me a wee bit woozy, but not hugely so. Anyway, she said she would try once more, and if she couldnt get round, she was going to stop as she was unwilling to put me through any more (I do have quite a high pain threshold), but the tears were out of my eyes by this point!!! Anyway, she did manage, and the good news is my bowel is entirely normal, not even inflamed, which is really good, but still no reason why my bowels as bad as they have been.
I dont know if I have to see the docs again, she will send report to them , and they will write to me. Guess I may have to try a bulking agent.
So, thats that done. I have CT scan next Friday, with the results the following Tuesday, couple of days before London. I will be very surprised if the cancer has not grown again, happily surprised, but surprised nonetheless. I suppose , if it has, it is not going to change things hugely, I will just be back on treatment, which I know has to happen one day, its just a question of when.
Suzie has been brilliant during all this, worried, but brilliant, surprising me with 2 bunches of flowers :)
Will update after CT
F
xx
Saturday, 8 October 2011
The Joys!!!!
Well I had a phonecall the day before yesterday, and the endoscopy suite has had a cancellation for next Thursday (13th), so would I like to come in for colonoscopy!!! would I like it ......... NO, but I know I have to get this done to find out what is going on. Apparently some people get it done WITHOUT sedation - I will not be one of this I can tell ya. They will be able to tell me what they see that day, but will also be taking biopsies so will have to wait couple of weeks for that results.
The week after that on the Friday 21st, I have my CT Scan, 1st one in a year, then have appointment at clinic the Tuesday after for results - just hope they are through for then!
So will have everything done and dusted, with most answers before we go to see the brill George Michael. Whatever they tell me, I am going to enjoy this trip, and if I have to have more treatment, it will wait till after that. So the thought of the George Michael gig is going to get me through all this, will focus on the gig as the end result!! (Easy said in my head).
Sitting with dye on my hair at the mo, watching the time.
Off to Edinburgh tomoz to meet 6 of my bc pals, go down in the morning, have lunch and cocktails, and back in the evening. It will probably knacker me, but I have had a quiet weekend , and will have a quiet day Monday so it should be fine.
Will update with results.
The joys of living with this disease, every symptom, we assume is going to be the cancer - maybe I will be pleasantly surprised.............watch this space
F
xx
The week after that on the Friday 21st, I have my CT Scan, 1st one in a year, then have appointment at clinic the Tuesday after for results - just hope they are through for then!
So will have everything done and dusted, with most answers before we go to see the brill George Michael. Whatever they tell me, I am going to enjoy this trip, and if I have to have more treatment, it will wait till after that. So the thought of the George Michael gig is going to get me through all this, will focus on the gig as the end result!! (Easy said in my head).
Sitting with dye on my hair at the mo, watching the time.
Off to Edinburgh tomoz to meet 6 of my bc pals, go down in the morning, have lunch and cocktails, and back in the evening. It will probably knacker me, but I have had a quiet weekend , and will have a quiet day Monday so it should be fine.
Will update with results.
The joys of living with this disease, every symptom, we assume is going to be the cancer - maybe I will be pleasantly surprised.............watch this space
F
xx
Thursday, 29 September 2011
Update
Well
Just thought it was about time I updated a bit.
Really have not felt the best, continuous gradual deterioration in physical health, feeling sick, very little appetite, bowels, weakness, lethargy, bit of weight loss.
Saw oncs on Tuesday. They did not seem that unduly concerned, but have said they wanted to do CT scan. She said i 'looked well', which to be honest, when I am saying to folks I am feeling really shitty, they are all saying but you look well. Just want to scream out "but I did not look unwell when mets where first diagnosed".
Yes I am worried the cancer has started growing again, and even spread, so any bad news will not be unexpected , I may be wrong, but I really do feel worse by the day!!
Waiting for a day for CT scan, and have gastroenterology next week for bowels - nae looking forward to that one.
I have not told many folks how bad I am feeling, just putting on a face. Mentally, whatever is coming, I am ready for it, it its bad news I will not be shocked.
On the plus side, enjoying doing stuff for school reunioin, its coming along nicely. The old school folks have been very generous with their donations, so raising even more money for Aberdeen Breast Cancer Research Study.
update again soon
xxxx
Just thought it was about time I updated a bit.
Really have not felt the best, continuous gradual deterioration in physical health, feeling sick, very little appetite, bowels, weakness, lethargy, bit of weight loss.
Saw oncs on Tuesday. They did not seem that unduly concerned, but have said they wanted to do CT scan. She said i 'looked well', which to be honest, when I am saying to folks I am feeling really shitty, they are all saying but you look well. Just want to scream out "but I did not look unwell when mets where first diagnosed".
Yes I am worried the cancer has started growing again, and even spread, so any bad news will not be unexpected , I may be wrong, but I really do feel worse by the day!!
Waiting for a day for CT scan, and have gastroenterology next week for bowels - nae looking forward to that one.
I have not told many folks how bad I am feeling, just putting on a face. Mentally, whatever is coming, I am ready for it, it its bad news I will not be shocked.
On the plus side, enjoying doing stuff for school reunioin, its coming along nicely. The old school folks have been very generous with their donations, so raising even more money for Aberdeen Breast Cancer Research Study.
update again soon
xxxx
Sunday, 18 September 2011
Me again
Well who else would it be????
Have been feeling a bit shit physically. Tired and just generally yeuch, little appetite! This however is not teamed up with weight loss!! After speaking to Clare, I looked more into side effects of lanzoprazole , and a lot of what I suffer is listed in rare side effects. I have prob been on this drug for few years to protect my gut through chemo and drugs, but stopped it due to major bowel issues. Since stopping it, bowels have been better, BUT bloody hell , have suffered from severe heartburn , what is one to do??? Will have to speak to gp or wait till GE appointment beginning of next week..... Life with this disease is not easy :(
Anyway, enough about that, the school reunion plans are going really well. We have around 60 confirmed, with very generous donations to Aberdeen Breast Cancer Unit. I am making up a PowerPoint presentation of school photos , and so far have about 50!!! Really looking forward to that!!! It's shaping up to be a good night..... More from that later.
Have compassion group tomoz and reflexology at CLAN tomoz so that should be good.
Didn't go to pub last night as just felt yeuch :(
Laters
F
Xxxx
Have been feeling a bit shit physically. Tired and just generally yeuch, little appetite! This however is not teamed up with weight loss!! After speaking to Clare, I looked more into side effects of lanzoprazole , and a lot of what I suffer is listed in rare side effects. I have prob been on this drug for few years to protect my gut through chemo and drugs, but stopped it due to major bowel issues. Since stopping it, bowels have been better, BUT bloody hell , have suffered from severe heartburn , what is one to do??? Will have to speak to gp or wait till GE appointment beginning of next week..... Life with this disease is not easy :(
Anyway, enough about that, the school reunion plans are going really well. We have around 60 confirmed, with very generous donations to Aberdeen Breast Cancer Unit. I am making up a PowerPoint presentation of school photos , and so far have about 50!!! Really looking forward to that!!! It's shaping up to be a good night..... More from that later.
Have compassion group tomoz and reflexology at CLAN tomoz so that should be good.
Didn't go to pub last night as just felt yeuch :(
Laters
F
Xxxx
Tuesday, 13 September 2011
Back home
Well, late last night I got back from my weekend in Reading to see Clare.
Clare is a lovely woman, mets dx as I have, but in my eyes she is worse off than me.
We clicked immediately (well I did), had a meal on Friday night and yapped all night. On Saturday,,we had our spa day at Nirvana Spa. When we arrived , we chilled in our robes by pool. I then had a lovely hot stone massage. After that we had a lovely lunch with a cheeky pims :). We then went to the quiet room which consisted of 35 tiled, moulded, heated stone beds and chilled there for however long, was very relaxing apart from Clares gentle snoring. Lol. We then went into HUGE hydrotherapy pool, which let me tell u, if u stood on bits u shouldnt stand on, water went where water should not!!!!! We then had a flotation treatment, 15 min intro, then 40 mins of floating in pool like dead sea , no energy required, total relaxation, altho felt sick if I closed eyes . Then had a sparkling Rose, part of day, then the lovely Jon picked us up and took me back to hotel, where I got room service and chilled.
On Sunday, I went to Clares, met Jon and Jack properly, and had lovely roast beef dinner, it was fab :) spent rest of evening chilling on own then came home Monday.
So glad I went down to meet Clare, love her to bits, she is very much like me.
Will write more tomoz about school reunion
Love to all
Xxxxx
Clare is a lovely woman, mets dx as I have, but in my eyes she is worse off than me.
We clicked immediately (well I did), had a meal on Friday night and yapped all night. On Saturday,,we had our spa day at Nirvana Spa. When we arrived , we chilled in our robes by pool. I then had a lovely hot stone massage. After that we had a lovely lunch with a cheeky pims :). We then went to the quiet room which consisted of 35 tiled, moulded, heated stone beds and chilled there for however long, was very relaxing apart from Clares gentle snoring. Lol. We then went into HUGE hydrotherapy pool, which let me tell u, if u stood on bits u shouldnt stand on, water went where water should not!!!!! We then had a flotation treatment, 15 min intro, then 40 mins of floating in pool like dead sea , no energy required, total relaxation, altho felt sick if I closed eyes . Then had a sparkling Rose, part of day, then the lovely Jon picked us up and took me back to hotel, where I got room service and chilled.
On Sunday, I went to Clares, met Jon and Jack properly, and had lovely roast beef dinner, it was fab :) spent rest of evening chilling on own then came home Monday.
So glad I went down to meet Clare, love her to bits, she is very much like me.
Will write more tomoz about school reunion
Love to all
Xxxxx
Friday, 9 September 2011
It's been a while
Thought it was about time I updated this, and what better time when on a train journey. Have already watched 3 movies and won't have time for another, so here I am.
So where am I off to now? On train to Kings Cross then to Reading to meet a very special 'friend' called Clare. We have talked and got on so well for so long so I have bitten the bullet and going down to meet her in person for the weekend. We are Having a bar meal tonight to get to know each other then tomoz we are having a spa day at a posh spa called nirvana, it looks bliss. I am having a hot stone massage then we are both having a flotation treatment, lunch is included. At night I will just go to my hotel and chill out. On Sunday, I am going to Clares to have a lovely roast (at least I hope it will be lovely lol). Then it will be home Monday :(
Health wise I have had a few niggles lately. Tiredness, increasingly breathless with some chest pain when walking even on the flat, and bowel issues for which i have been referred to Gastro - nae looking forward to that one!!!!!
I got a stay in a hotel donated for my fundraising, and managed to sell 2 raffle books for it, so raised another £200 for Aberdeen Breast Cancer Reserch, well happy.
I was being a wee bit hermit like for the past few weeks, not wanting to go out etc, just like end of last year but trying to push through it!!
I met up with 2 school friends, who I have not seen since last reunion about 13 years ago, and from meeting them 4 days ago, we have organised another school reunion. Looks like we have a lot of interest, it will be much bigger than our last 'very mini' one a few months ago. We are going to sell tickets and proceeds will go to Aberdeen Breast Cancer Research.
Suzie doing fine, now in second year of college, and now has dads car as he has stopped driving, think he has just had enough.
Have oncology end of this month so gonna push for CT scan to put my mind at rest, think a year between scans is enough!!!!
Will try to post more often.........away to drink my free wine lol
Love to all xxx
So where am I off to now? On train to Kings Cross then to Reading to meet a very special 'friend' called Clare. We have talked and got on so well for so long so I have bitten the bullet and going down to meet her in person for the weekend. We are Having a bar meal tonight to get to know each other then tomoz we are having a spa day at a posh spa called nirvana, it looks bliss. I am having a hot stone massage then we are both having a flotation treatment, lunch is included. At night I will just go to my hotel and chill out. On Sunday, I am going to Clares to have a lovely roast (at least I hope it will be lovely lol). Then it will be home Monday :(
Health wise I have had a few niggles lately. Tiredness, increasingly breathless with some chest pain when walking even on the flat, and bowel issues for which i have been referred to Gastro - nae looking forward to that one!!!!!
I got a stay in a hotel donated for my fundraising, and managed to sell 2 raffle books for it, so raised another £200 for Aberdeen Breast Cancer Reserch, well happy.
I was being a wee bit hermit like for the past few weeks, not wanting to go out etc, just like end of last year but trying to push through it!!
I met up with 2 school friends, who I have not seen since last reunion about 13 years ago, and from meeting them 4 days ago, we have organised another school reunion. Looks like we have a lot of interest, it will be much bigger than our last 'very mini' one a few months ago. We are going to sell tickets and proceeds will go to Aberdeen Breast Cancer Research.
Suzie doing fine, now in second year of college, and now has dads car as he has stopped driving, think he has just had enough.
Have oncology end of this month so gonna push for CT scan to put my mind at rest, think a year between scans is enough!!!!
Will try to post more often.........away to drink my free wine lol
Love to all xxx
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