It was my friends funeral just over a week ago.
It was very hard, especially for Suzie - I mean what 18 year old likes funerals, this is only the second she has been to, BUT I think she was prob thinking the next time she was gonna be there is gonna be mine. It was horrible to see her so so upset.
I still cannot believe really that S has gone, keep going to text her, and cant believe I wont see her again. Its not like we saw each other every single week, but we were friends. Its just so so sad, and part of this shit disease.
Not much else I can say.
Bye bye my friend
Love
Fi
xxxxx
This is my story, as a 42 year old, young woman, living with terminal breast cancer.
Wednesday, 25 January 2012
Wednesday, 11 January 2012
In memory of my friend S
My friend S, died of secondary BC on Saturday 7th January. She was diagnosed after me, is slightly younger than me, and leaves behind the most wonderful 18 year old girl, who just happens to be Suzie's best friend since 1st year at school. And she leaves behind a husband.
This disease is just so so unfair, for those of us who suffer, and for our loved ones who have been ,or will be left behind.
She went very quickly in the end, which in my opinion, is how I would want to go, but not everyone would agree with that.
Suzie and I are just so sad and shocked, I have not cried yet, and dont yet know when the funeral will be. She never said she was having a private service so waiting to hear.
S was a fun loving, Irish woman, with a wicked sense of humour, and faced up to this disease pretty much as I do. She always had a smile on her face when I saw her, and Suzie and I were lucky enough to have 3 nights in London with her and her daughter just at the end of October, and for this I am thankful. She has a lot of friends and family out there who are going to be suffering greatly.
Sleep peacefully S - no more pain
Thinking of you loads and of course of M, your husband, and R, your gorgeous daughter.
xxxxxx
Todays saying...........You can't start the next chapter of your life if you keep re-reading the last one......Live Laugh Love.
This disease is just so so unfair, for those of us who suffer, and for our loved ones who have been ,or will be left behind.
She went very quickly in the end, which in my opinion, is how I would want to go, but not everyone would agree with that.
Suzie and I are just so sad and shocked, I have not cried yet, and dont yet know when the funeral will be. She never said she was having a private service so waiting to hear.
S was a fun loving, Irish woman, with a wicked sense of humour, and faced up to this disease pretty much as I do. She always had a smile on her face when I saw her, and Suzie and I were lucky enough to have 3 nights in London with her and her daughter just at the end of October, and for this I am thankful. She has a lot of friends and family out there who are going to be suffering greatly.
Sleep peacefully S - no more pain
Thinking of you loads and of course of M, your husband, and R, your gorgeous daughter.
xxxxxx
Todays saying...........You can't start the next chapter of your life if you keep re-reading the last one......Live Laugh Love.
Monday, 2 January 2012
Its a New Year
Well, here we are, 2012, and who would have thought I would still be here and 'well'???
Its amazing really , when I think back, and I know I have said it before but I really am grateful.
So what is this year gonna bring for me?? No doubt in my head, more worries about the cancer, but apart from that, who knows. Just gonna try and enjoy, as I have been doing as much as possible.
I went to McNasty's to see the New Year in, with Suzie, RT and of course lots of other friends from the pub. Had a great night, with lots of laughs, and when it came to 'the bells', they had a piper. Since the mets dx, I always feel a bit 'funny' when the bells strike, and this year was no different. Its not that I am not happy, but just weird not knowing what the next year is gonna bring. Had tears in my eyes, but held them back. Anyway, the piper was really good, great atmosphere, but just a tad emotional.
So thats all the festivities over for another year, took the tree and decs down on 27th, nice to get back to 'normal'.
Today is the official start to my gluten free diet - trying this to see if my horrible bowels improve - hoping this will be the answer, rather than relying on drugs, so have to give it a good go. Going out for lunch tomorrow so that will be trying - hopefully they will know whats gluten free and not. Also starting a healthy eating plan today as I simply have to lose weight - my aim is at least 2 stone, which I know is not gonna be easy. Not joining any sort of club, I know what I should and should not eat, so gonna try to do it on my own, along with gentle exercise. Wish me luck!!!
And today's reading.....
Life in itself is an empty canvas, it becomes whatsoever you paint on it. You can paint misery, you can paint bliss. The freedom is your glory.....Live Laugh Love
Its amazing really , when I think back, and I know I have said it before but I really am grateful.
So what is this year gonna bring for me?? No doubt in my head, more worries about the cancer, but apart from that, who knows. Just gonna try and enjoy, as I have been doing as much as possible.
I went to McNasty's to see the New Year in, with Suzie, RT and of course lots of other friends from the pub. Had a great night, with lots of laughs, and when it came to 'the bells', they had a piper. Since the mets dx, I always feel a bit 'funny' when the bells strike, and this year was no different. Its not that I am not happy, but just weird not knowing what the next year is gonna bring. Had tears in my eyes, but held them back. Anyway, the piper was really good, great atmosphere, but just a tad emotional.
So thats all the festivities over for another year, took the tree and decs down on 27th, nice to get back to 'normal'.
Today is the official start to my gluten free diet - trying this to see if my horrible bowels improve - hoping this will be the answer, rather than relying on drugs, so have to give it a good go. Going out for lunch tomorrow so that will be trying - hopefully they will know whats gluten free and not. Also starting a healthy eating plan today as I simply have to lose weight - my aim is at least 2 stone, which I know is not gonna be easy. Not joining any sort of club, I know what I should and should not eat, so gonna try to do it on my own, along with gentle exercise. Wish me luck!!!
And today's reading.....
Life in itself is an empty canvas, it becomes whatsoever you paint on it. You can paint misery, you can paint bliss. The freedom is your glory.....Live Laugh Love
Saturday, 24 December 2011
Merry Christmas
Hi
Just wanted to come on and wish all my family and friends a very merry christmas and the best of health for 2012.
It has been a mixed week - for me - of unknown illness - possibly viral type infection, or UTI, or both. All I know is I could not get out of bed on Tuesday, even had to call doc in (which is not like me), spent Wednesday in bed too, although sitting up some of the time, and apart from nipping to asda yesterday (which was very hard work), have been resting up.
Christmas Day is tomorrow, and altho I feel better, I am still running on about 75% capacity. Have eaten very little, but still gonna cook for dad and Suzie tomorrow and will try to eat myself.
On the plus side, my New Year diet has been kick started early and I have lost 6 1/2 pounds in about 5 days!! Well needed - but not like that!!! I really did feel bloody awful.
Dad was back in hossie too after having a fall at home, and then getting chest pain - but that was caused by bruised ribs. Its sad, but he is ageing quite quickly now I feel, and I know he worries about me, but sad to see him ageing so quickly all of a sudden to me.
Having a surprise at the sheltered housing on 30th for his 70th birthday, so he had better bloody behave himself and stay out of hospital, which he aint been doing a good job of this last 6 weeks or so.
Anyway, enough of that for now.
Who would have thought I would still be here - I am very very grateful for that.......so heres to another christmas with my family, and seeing my friends over the festive season.
Much Love and Health to all
Me
xxx
Todays thoughts...... The world if full of suffering. It is also full of overcoming...... HELEN KELLER
Just wanted to come on and wish all my family and friends a very merry christmas and the best of health for 2012.
It has been a mixed week - for me - of unknown illness - possibly viral type infection, or UTI, or both. All I know is I could not get out of bed on Tuesday, even had to call doc in (which is not like me), spent Wednesday in bed too, although sitting up some of the time, and apart from nipping to asda yesterday (which was very hard work), have been resting up.
Christmas Day is tomorrow, and altho I feel better, I am still running on about 75% capacity. Have eaten very little, but still gonna cook for dad and Suzie tomorrow and will try to eat myself.
On the plus side, my New Year diet has been kick started early and I have lost 6 1/2 pounds in about 5 days!! Well needed - but not like that!!! I really did feel bloody awful.
Dad was back in hossie too after having a fall at home, and then getting chest pain - but that was caused by bruised ribs. Its sad, but he is ageing quite quickly now I feel, and I know he worries about me, but sad to see him ageing so quickly all of a sudden to me.
Having a surprise at the sheltered housing on 30th for his 70th birthday, so he had better bloody behave himself and stay out of hospital, which he aint been doing a good job of this last 6 weeks or so.
Anyway, enough of that for now.
Who would have thought I would still be here - I am very very grateful for that.......so heres to another christmas with my family, and seeing my friends over the festive season.
Much Love and Health to all
Me
xxx
Todays thoughts...... The world if full of suffering. It is also full of overcoming...... HELEN KELLER
Friday, 9 December 2011
Bowels
Dont let the title put you off - lol.
I have been bothered with my bowels being very very loose for a long time, it has made me feel ill and sick, getting worse.
I finally had enough a few weeks ago, and even more so about a week ago, so phoned my GP again. I was started on Codeine Phosphate - which you may or may not know is a pain killer, but it is one that is know to 'bung you up'. Since starting it, my bowels have improved greatly, I have just had to play about with the dose to get the correct balance, and I seem to have reached that.
I cannot believe I have put up with this for so so long, but at least I seem to be getting control now - long may it continue.
Its now only a couple of weeks or so till xmas - not really feeling festive, but sure I will get there. Still cannot believe I am still here and still so well :)
Mentally I am still doing fine too - quite upbeat most of the time which is good, and have had a few things on with friends so its all good.
Todays writing......
Learn to calm down the winds of your mind, and you will enjoy greater inner peace...... Live Laugh Love
I have been bothered with my bowels being very very loose for a long time, it has made me feel ill and sick, getting worse.
I finally had enough a few weeks ago, and even more so about a week ago, so phoned my GP again. I was started on Codeine Phosphate - which you may or may not know is a pain killer, but it is one that is know to 'bung you up'. Since starting it, my bowels have improved greatly, I have just had to play about with the dose to get the correct balance, and I seem to have reached that.
I cannot believe I have put up with this for so so long, but at least I seem to be getting control now - long may it continue.
Its now only a couple of weeks or so till xmas - not really feeling festive, but sure I will get there. Still cannot believe I am still here and still so well :)
Mentally I am still doing fine too - quite upbeat most of the time which is good, and have had a few things on with friends so its all good.
Todays writing......
Learn to calm down the winds of your mind, and you will enjoy greater inner peace...... Live Laugh Love
Friday, 2 December 2011
Thoracic Surgeon
I cannot remember if I wrote before, think I did, but after my last scan, I enquired about possibility of having the small bit of cancer in my left lung removed, as it appears (altho there could still be microscopic cancer elsewhere we just don't know about yet), that this little bit of cancer is the only active bit.
I saw a thoracic surgeon on Wednesday. He was very nice, altho there was a wee bit of a mis communication. As well as my scan being discussed at x ray MDT meeting, when I got referred to thoracic surgeon, I was also discussed at the lung MDT meeting, so he thought I was there to hear about the surgery, and was ready to whip me in before xmas to get it done!!!! I was like - WOHHHHH , slow down, I aint even decided if I am having it removed now.
After I came out of there, and weighed everything up, I was erring on the NO side - as in not opting for surgery. I have left him saying I will discuss with oncologists when I see them in January.
I think people who don't have medical background are thinking - whip it out if its the only active bit. I had a long phone conversation with my chemo nurse yesterday - D. And for various reasons, I am even more erring on the NO side now. Trying to sum it up - basically there is greater risk of 'stirring up the cancer cell hornets nest' if they go in and disturb things, than leaving it alone and keeping an eye. They will not scan me earlier than a year. Also, if I got the surgery, the oncologists would definately give me chemo - to 'mop up' and stray cancer cells that may have been disturbed. I am fairly well just now, and should I go ahead with what could turn into a major op, I could be left with permanent nerve damage and pain, AND if the cancer was stirred up, I would be far less fit to tolerate chemo than I would be if things stirred up on their own right now.
I need to write down pros and cons, but have already done that mentally, and I have only come up with one pro so far - and that is - technically I would have no active cancer - but thats all to do with my brain - can I live with cancer in my body - well I have been for lots of years now, and yes can live with the knowledge that its there. Even though they removed this bit, I would still be classed as having metastatic disease.
Still pondering things over, but still keep coming up with NO.
D said, he, and the oncologists just cannot believe I am in this position to be even having to consider this - they , as I did, had me dead and buries years ago. As he reminded me, I was admitted to hospital after I got the mets diagnosis, with headaches, vomiting etc, and in his words - looked awful - they all thought the cancer had spread to my brain and that I was on my way out, cos of how I looked, and how aggressive the cancer was - now look at me!!?? As he said, I , and this cancer, have never done things by the book, and they are all astounded - but happily so.
I still have triple negative cancer, and they know if will kick off again, and when it does, it will probably be rapid, but there are still 4 other chemo's they have waiting in the sidelines, so all is not lost even when it does.
Suppose I always have been a stubborn little bugger :):)
Love
Fi
xxx
Todays saying........
May my heart be kind, my mind fierce, and my spirit brave....... Live Laugh Love
I saw a thoracic surgeon on Wednesday. He was very nice, altho there was a wee bit of a mis communication. As well as my scan being discussed at x ray MDT meeting, when I got referred to thoracic surgeon, I was also discussed at the lung MDT meeting, so he thought I was there to hear about the surgery, and was ready to whip me in before xmas to get it done!!!! I was like - WOHHHHH , slow down, I aint even decided if I am having it removed now.
After I came out of there, and weighed everything up, I was erring on the NO side - as in not opting for surgery. I have left him saying I will discuss with oncologists when I see them in January.
I think people who don't have medical background are thinking - whip it out if its the only active bit. I had a long phone conversation with my chemo nurse yesterday - D. And for various reasons, I am even more erring on the NO side now. Trying to sum it up - basically there is greater risk of 'stirring up the cancer cell hornets nest' if they go in and disturb things, than leaving it alone and keeping an eye. They will not scan me earlier than a year. Also, if I got the surgery, the oncologists would definately give me chemo - to 'mop up' and stray cancer cells that may have been disturbed. I am fairly well just now, and should I go ahead with what could turn into a major op, I could be left with permanent nerve damage and pain, AND if the cancer was stirred up, I would be far less fit to tolerate chemo than I would be if things stirred up on their own right now.
I need to write down pros and cons, but have already done that mentally, and I have only come up with one pro so far - and that is - technically I would have no active cancer - but thats all to do with my brain - can I live with cancer in my body - well I have been for lots of years now, and yes can live with the knowledge that its there. Even though they removed this bit, I would still be classed as having metastatic disease.
Still pondering things over, but still keep coming up with NO.
D said, he, and the oncologists just cannot believe I am in this position to be even having to consider this - they , as I did, had me dead and buries years ago. As he reminded me, I was admitted to hospital after I got the mets diagnosis, with headaches, vomiting etc, and in his words - looked awful - they all thought the cancer had spread to my brain and that I was on my way out, cos of how I looked, and how aggressive the cancer was - now look at me!!?? As he said, I , and this cancer, have never done things by the book, and they are all astounded - but happily so.
I still have triple negative cancer, and they know if will kick off again, and when it does, it will probably be rapid, but there are still 4 other chemo's they have waiting in the sidelines, so all is not lost even when it does.
Suppose I always have been a stubborn little bugger :):)
Love
Fi
xxx
Todays saying........
May my heart be kind, my mind fierce, and my spirit brave....... Live Laugh Love
School Reunion
Well we had the school reunion on Saturday 26th, and think I can confidently say it was a huge success, both in terms of turnout, people enjoying, and extreme generosity.
A, D and myself, were kept busy from the time we went in to set things up at 630, until about just before 11pm when we finally finished the raffle draw, then it was time to dance, something I don't usually do, but I kept getting dragged up.
We were raising money for Aberdeen Breast Cancer Research Fund, and with donations, gift aid, ticket sales and raffle and silent auction - we raised an astounding £4379!!!! Totally humbling and amazing, especially given time of year, everyones finances etc. BIG BIG thank you to everyone who donated, helped and especially D and A. I even managed to do a speech, after which, a few strangers in the bar came up to me and said well done and great speech!!
Anyway, had a fab night, although I/We did not recognise everyone, most we did. Intend to make it an annual fundraiser, with hopefully mini get togethers in between times.
Todays saying.....
Anyone can give up, its the easiest thing in the world to do. But to hold it together when everyone else would understand if you fell apart, thats true strength..... Live Laugh Love
A, D and myself, were kept busy from the time we went in to set things up at 630, until about just before 11pm when we finally finished the raffle draw, then it was time to dance, something I don't usually do, but I kept getting dragged up.
We were raising money for Aberdeen Breast Cancer Research Fund, and with donations, gift aid, ticket sales and raffle and silent auction - we raised an astounding £4379!!!! Totally humbling and amazing, especially given time of year, everyones finances etc. BIG BIG thank you to everyone who donated, helped and especially D and A. I even managed to do a speech, after which, a few strangers in the bar came up to me and said well done and great speech!!
Anyway, had a fab night, although I/We did not recognise everyone, most we did. Intend to make it an annual fundraiser, with hopefully mini get togethers in between times.
Todays saying.....
Anyone can give up, its the easiest thing in the world to do. But to hold it together when everyone else would understand if you fell apart, thats true strength..... Live Laugh Love
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